683: Pregnant, Feeling Fat and Cutting Myself Off from a Whole Reality

January 15, 2021 - For those that don't know, I'm pregnant! As I write I am just about 27 weeks pregnant and just about to enter into the third trimester. I have been sharing weekly pregnancy updates since probably week 7 - with all the various changes one goes through, mentally/emotionally and physically. Today I just recorded my week 24-26 update and noticed a clear difference in my experience. 

First of all it took 3 attempts to get the recording... I tried out some new lighting in my partner's studio that I didn't like so I decided to record again in my normal spot in the house. We got a new mic situation but I forgot to turn it on so there was no audio on the 15 minute recording. Finally, I got the third recording done, in the spot I wanted to record in, with the new audio working and as I uploaded the video to my computer to start the editing process... I hated what I saw. A dimly lit, "fat and ugly" me. 

I am not as eager to share this recording. I will because I am determined to transcend this ego of mine where I define myself according to how I look. but I'll tell ya, it's not easy. Obviously, pregnancy comes with a lot of changes - including weight gain and that's not just in the belly area. I mean maybe for some it is, but it's not for me. I am gaining weight all over my body and despite knowing my body is doing everything it's supposed to be doing to ensure a healthy and alive child, I am still in judgment of it for the way it looks. 

Which is actually quite shameful. 

While my body is doing all the work - growing and stretching and making room and allocating the resources to ensure the baby has it's oxygen and blood supply and food supply - I am cringing at how my face/body looks. Clearly this is not conducive to who I want to accept and allow myself to be and that's why self-forgiveness is necessary. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as fat and ugly in my pregnancy update vlog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about the way that I look in my vlog then who I am in my vlog and more importantly who I am in relation to my body which is doing all the work to ensure the human developing within me is healthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of the way I look at the moment in my pregnancy wherein I define myself as ugly because I've put on weight instead of removing the value from how I look and putting it where it belongs in who I am, as my thoughts, words and deeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe others will see me as fat and judge me as ugly in my new pregnancy update vlog instead of realizing that I'm actually the one judging me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count so much on how I physically look as a defining point of who I am - to actually want others to see and think I'm pretty as if that matters one bit in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in make believe such as the way one looks matters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining weight and being defined as fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that my relationship to my physical body - the way it looks and it's size, and thus the value I put on that is completely preprogrammed according to the society and CULTure I live in - it is not even my own choice to exist this way, I was programmed to exist this way, to value this and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question and challenge this delusional thinking that is irrational and has no place in actual reality as far as what really matters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care at all about what I look like instead of investing all of myself into who I am and ensure that who I am is of integrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see such a small reality of what my body actually is as it's size and how it looks instead of realizing and seeing and becoming aware of it's entirety being an actual universe unto itself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I've cut myself form the actual reality of my physical body as a physical universe and all the dimensions and functions and purpose of it because I only consider the 1 dimension of how it looks/the size

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself through judging myself as my body and locking myself out from the actual reality of my body in every moment as what it actually does and how it actually exists and what it is actually expressing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see DEEPER than the surface of my physical body - to see what exists beneath the top layer that shows such a small fraction of what is actually here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-limitations of who I really am unto my body by seeing it in such a limited reality instead of its full potential and expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am in relation to my body is who I am in relation to myself and what my relationship to my body is showing me is that I have abused and neglected and diminished my true potential and capabilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and limit myself according to ideas about who I am 

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see the REAL me, beyond the surface, beyond the image, within myself as the very essence of who I am as that which is the LIFE of me which can be found/aligned with through/as breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align myself with actual LIFE through breathing and rather give attention and space to my mind as thoughts, pictures, ideas, definitions of who I'm supposed to be according to the society and culture I was raised in

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove every single aspect of me that was programmed as that which I never decided on my own to be but simply accepted as myself because I was told "that's how it's supposed to be" or "that's just the way it is"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a society where it judges people according to the way that they look 

When and as I see myself judging myself as fat or ugly or having any reactions towards the way I physically look, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is such a limited existence I am accepting and allowing and that my body is SO MUCH MORE than what I see and that I am in fact projecting my own limited self-definitions onto my body and so I commit myself to take self-responsibility for my own self-imposed and self-accepted self-limitations and to NOT project it unto my body and to rather practice seeing my body for REAL which is all dimensions, all functions, all purpose and all effort it is giving unconditionally to give me the opportunity and space to BE HERE and REALIZE my mistakes and the potential to change my ways. 

I commit myself to take the opportunity my body as provided me by removing all that which is programmed from my CULTure and society and to decide to express only that which is actually best for all 

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to my looks and to rather work on myself as my thoughts, words and deeds as what actually MATTERS

I commit myself to challenging and questioning any thoughts/reactions within me that suggest I am somehow limited or defined by a look or image

I commit myself to walking through the fear of others judgments in realizing it's coming from myself

I commit myself to spite my judgments by sharing myself openly 

I commit myself to not fear being seen in any way as I practice seeing myself for real

I commit myself to expanding myself as the reality of me and so seeing and understanding the reality of my body

I commit myself to honoring my body of what it actually is and what it actually does

My YouTube Channel

The Journey to Lifers

Take Responsibility for what is HERE in/as this world, within AND without:
Desteni

DIP Lite Course (FREE)

DIP Pro

Eqafe (Self-Perfecting interviews, books, music, etc)