166: Filling My Days to Feel Fulfilled

Here I am continuing from yesterday's blog where I opened up this point I see I am wanting to correct or adjust in my life. The point was balance and how throughout my life I have been very unbalanced, where I put all of myself into just one point in my life and do not pay much attention to anything else - and this is where I see my addictive personality come into play because it's like I consume myself within just one point and completely disregard what else is here, just as REALITY - like every thing that exists here within me and as me and around me - like my physical reality and all the things that allow one to live, practical reality points that require my direction and attention. Obviously it's different for some, whereas we will take on different points of responsibilities - yet I can see for myself where I have been walking quite a cool process with myself this last year in really zeroing in on 'how' I want to live, which is determined by 'who I am' in each moment and as each responsibility. So now I must become responsible in sorting out the 'who I am' in my life, as I have seen this pattern of becoming all too consumed with one thing and letting go of everything else in my life. So this is where I would like to live balance. And the balance realization I had came yesterday after doing a little free writing to get the point flowing - to see what was here, this is what I wrote:

**Ah Ha! So getting this blog here ready for publication - it hit me - walking a balancing act is like walking a tight rope, and if I do not remain stable, here, equal in my standing within/as myself, like not breathing and going into my head with thoughts and feelings and emotions and imagination and memories and future projections; wavering myself with the movement of energy- then I lean more to one side or the other... and I fall. And all things fall with me. So cool to see this point for myself in seeing more directly what I am facing in terms of trying to balance myself yet not being effective, as I lean to one side or the other in terms of giving my attention away from me here, instead of standing/walking stable, direct, one foot in front of the other.

So this is what I would like to see for myself, in how I would like to walk effectively in my life. Taking on responsibilities such as work and projects and school and just things in general that challenge me and provide me with things that I can push myself to expand within.

There is this point of wanting to say  'living in ways that will keep me busy or move me' - so this is interesting, because I could potentially see this point of feeling like I want to have all these responsibilities as a way to keep myself busy in fear of 'not doing anything' - as that is how I basically lived my life before - not at all applying or pushing myself to actually live, would start things and not finish them, wouldn't even dare to challenge myself, was living pretty stagnantly and without direction and purpose, besides the drive to 'find' purpose. So perhaps here I can see I am living the polarity - where it's like I want to 'take on' as much as I can as a way to 'make up' for who I have seen myself to be in the past. And maybe here fear of not having anything to do, in fear of how that defines me - or fear of realizing how I defined myself before as a loser for not giving myself any direction or things to do in life - self judgment for not ever considering that I could actually DO SOMETHING in this life - make something of myself - get real and get to business in taking care of myself and our world for real.

Ok - so hmm.. here I see self forgiveness could be applied in this point, and perhaps that is the place to start in that I am looking at this point of balancing myself out, in becoming equal within myself and within all things in my life and so yes - to start would be to balance or equal out this polarity I have been living of where pre-desteni I was this lazy, procrastinating, unwilling slug that did not want to do anything or go anywhere, except for where I could get the most energy buzz - anything to feed my self interest - yet when it came to education or work that is of actual substance that support myself to become self honest and create a self honest reflection in this world - that I would never consider. And now post-desteni I see I have flipped the switch in where I am now in the positive polarity of wanting to do everything and all things just out of this fear of the negative experience I was existing within wherein I would not do a god damn thing and just sit around basically and wait for something external to move me. So while I can see that who I am now in how I live and what i'm doing in my life is cool - it's not cool to do it within the starting point of fear - fear of 'who I was' and wanting to just suppress this person instead of facing it and forgiving the relationship I had created - because in just ignoring the negative experience of how I existed, I attempt to go into the positive experience, yet nothing really gets sorted out, because I did not sort out the origin of this desire now to do all these different things - my starting point is of this negative experience and so I guess it seems like 'what going around comes around' and so I will find myself back at square one - which yes, is basically what I have done to myself. Left a state of being in hopes of something better, yet didn't look at why I left it or why I had existed that way and went out to search for something else yet in the journey I find that the 'who I am' remains and the front of the positive experience comes crashing down and the reality remain - I am still here - with myself, as who I have always been and thus THIS is the point that must be corrected. No more cycling - stopping the origin.

Ok - so I see before I can go into sorting out and balancing/equalizing the relationships I have towards all the responsibilities I have in my life, I must first look at the who I was before desteni and after in regards to giving myself direction where I am coming from this being that did nothing, never moved, never acted, sat stagnant which I define as a negative point of my life, or judge myself within it and thus is a negative charge to seeing the point - and then going straight into this positive experience where I give myself 'credit' for doing so much and trying all these things and taking on all these points in my reality - yet the being remain the same, and so all I have done is tried to create a new character of "doing it all" - thinking that I can before sorting out the relationship to myself within this point - self movement? self direction? self decision - it's like what is this point within myself that reveals itself to me in the behavior I display towards responsibilities?

Maybe here I am seeing this point of fulfillment. I have never felt fulfilled. Currently - I have FILLED myself and my days with shit to do. Like all these external points that I 'must walk' in thinking and believing that within them all, doing them, I will life a fulfilling life and seeing how before, where I was not doing anything with myself during my days, basically wasting away I did not feel fulfilled. Yet all I am doing is trying to fill up the emptiness I actually feel in not really knowing what to do or who I am - as this is who I was in my past. A wandering being that had nothing to do, had no motivation, no direction - just basically sat around waiting for something to put the life back into me. lol - this is interesting and cool to see, uncovering this point.

So it's like I have been walking around like a zombie and now I have gone to the polarity where I am this fucking machine trying to do everything and all things and am not keeping up, christ i'm either the walking dead or a robot - what happened to life and living? - and within it all thinking I NEED it to Fulfill me - instead of me fulfilling me - instead of me living self fulfilled, as giving myself the life that is here in each moment as each breath, realizing there is absolutely NOTHING in this world that can fulfill me. Maybe food to fill my stomach. Maybe water to quench my thirst. And these are equal for everyone. So to think that somehow I have something in this world that will come along, designed only for me, to fulfill me is absolutely ludicrous. I am just a human  being, equal to all others in needing to be fulfilled with food and water to sustain this body that allows me to live life - yet that 'idea' that I need fulfillment in the form of my actions or responsibilities in silly - because it doesn't matter what I do - I can be fulfilled. I can be fulfilled typing this blog or walking the dog or serving tables or washing a car. It's like it doesn't matter what I am doing - there is no one thing I "have" to do in order to fulfill me - I can live this as myself and thus all things will express self fulfillment and I will fill myself with expression in each moment - with all that I do.

Cool.

Okay - so for myself, moving from here - in the next blog I will go into self forgiveness for the 'who I was' pre-desteni where I was a walking zombie with no responsibilities, taking no actions and not giving myself any purpose yet seeking fulfillment. Within this the self judgment I see I still have towards this 'past me' for how I lived. Ok - till tomorrow.

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