170: A Consequence of Who I am as Words: Fulfillment
I can see how when I started walking with desteni, it was this point of "yes - finally, now I have something to DO in this life" and so can see I was excited about walking this process and participating within all that we do within/as a group pushing for a world that is best for all - and how I saw my responsibility to educate myself, to be active in my reality - to participate with others and find out for real what is going on and so obviously there is much to do in this life. Yet - who I was within this was one using these actions and responsibilities to essentially make myself feel better, to define myself as living a 'fulfilled' life, to define myself as doing important things - to feel special actually in how I defined myself as "so busy" and I have SO MUCH going on and look how special that makes me, I have things to do and places to be and people to see. So definitely a point of fueling this ego point of superiority which in the end gives me this 'feel good' positive feeling about myself as I actually see myself as 'more' then others. Not cool with no equality.
Obviously I realize this is a cover up - covering up the fact that I felt unfulfilled and so used external actions and behaviors and responsibilities to make myself 'feel' fulfilled. In turn this creates a dependency upon these external points wherein I create a relationship where I believe I 'need' them - I need to be busy and doing all these things in order to live a fulfilling life and if I don't, then I find myself within the negative definition I have giving to the word and no way I can experience that, I actually feared that and so attempted to do whatever I could to fill myself with feeling good about myself, about living a fulfilling life and not stop and ask, "but who I am"?
It is clear the dishonesty within being such a way - using external stuff to use as a means to define myself, and in actuality it is self abusive - because I am not allowing myself to realize that I am fulfilled - me, here, as I breathe, as I eat, as I drink, as I live in every moment - I am able to live/be fulfilled and I am not subject or dependent upon something outside of me to give to ME what I am looking for - I can simply give it to myself. So even a taste of self interest in thinking and believing and within the starting point of giving to me and only me what I need, such as a fulfilling life. Obviously with such a starting there is no consideration of giving to ALL a life fulfilled and so we can see why such a reality that is currently here exists.
And to from here, the consequence I have created in defining myself as dependent needing these external activities in order to keep myself busy, I find that I don't get what I am looking for - I do not get that 'feeling' of being fulfilled, or I do for some time, but it does not last - it is not eternal, it is not real, because obviously it doesn't exist outside of me, and so when I face this, the truth that what I am looking for I cannot find outside of myself, I 'fall' in the sense that I let go of all the responsibility I have taken upon myself to walk and let everything around me crumble, because 'they' are not giving to me what I am looking for and so I basically say 'fuck it'. So quite a fuck up in that I create consequences from simply who I am and what I accept and allow to be the definitions of the words I live.
So cool - I will follow this blog tomorrow with self forgiveness and see what else we can open up.
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