226 - Me In Time
For the first blog in this series I am having a look at a memory from when I was in 1st or 2nd grade. I can recall clearly sitting at my desk and looking at a round clock on the wall and being puzzled as to what it 'said'. Around this time we were "learning" to "tell time". This means that we were learning the hands on the clock and how to read what time it was. This was my first introduction to the concept of time, as far as I know or from what I can currently remember.
I can recall the experience of myself within this time of my life - lol. I was frustrated. Frustrated because I did not grasp right away how to 'tell time.' It did not click right away and I recall it being a struggle for me to finally grasp the ability to be able to read time. Obviously one can look at a clock that display the numbers on it and it clearly tells you the 'time' of day. Yet specifically my experience was in relation to the clock that are usually circular and have the numbers displayed in a circle and in between each numbers you have the dashes representing the seconds and the two hands. The long hand and the short hand. And the ability to read this was a challenge for me. I remember focusing myself on this - willing myself to understand how to 'tell time'. It was like such a big deal that I could not understand or when looking at the clock, not being able to 'see' what time it is. Which is interesting in itself as already at that age I was learning to define time according to a piece of technology that was constructed by man. A clock on the wall was the determining factor of being able to know what 'time' it is. It was how one calculate oneself in the day - as if knowing what time it is is so valuable. Obviously how we have constructed our living systems on earth, time is something that is practical - yet it's also a point we have separated ourselves from - Time. We have defined time to be these numbers that walk us through a timeline throughout the day and according to what time it is we must do certain things.
My understanding/view/perception of time has changed since I started walking my Process and tools provided by the Desteni Group - where I understand more now that time is in a moment - in a breath, the in-breath and the out-breathe make up a moment in time. Time is not necessarily numbers that indicate the length of the sun being in our visible sky or not - but it is a space in which we walk through, breath by breath. I am still re-defining my relationship to time in this process, yet this is what i have come to realize thus far.
Back to the memory.
When I could not understand what was being taught to me - how to 'tell/read' time - I was frustrated yet also determined to get it. Once it 'clicked' and I saw that I could understand what the clock was showing me - I felt as if I had aligned more with life, like I was initially on the 'outside' as not being able to tell time, but now I was in the 'club' with the rest of life in knowing how to read a clock/tell time. There was a relief even in that now I was not missing something, or I now had the knowledge that the rest of the world had and so somehow I become worthy. Also I can see how I saw myself as superior to others in my class/grade/age range that perhaps could not yet tell time - like I was better than others because I had finally understood how to tell time/read a clock. So this indicate that before I was able to do this I felt inferior - I felt like I was less than others because I did not have this ability and thus yes, I can see that I was in fear of others knowing that I could not tell the time, that I had not yet understood it and was ashamed in my lack of understanding.
This is an interesting point I have just placed in the previous paragraph because i can still see how this very experience of myself exists within and as me in my life today. I still have that experience in relation to things where I think "I do not understand that - I cannot grasp this - I am not good enough, I am inferior and less than others" and it's not just related to time, obviously as now I am able to read a clock and know what time it is - but as an overall experience of myself IN TIME - as in 'my life' - I have this experience of myself as being missing some sort of information or knowledge that others have and through this compare myself to others and fear others knowing this and think that I am inferior to them and thus desire to attain this knowledge/information that apparently missing and believe that once I do, somehow magically I will 'fit in' and be worthy and good enough and not left out. So that is quite interesting because the more I write this out - the more I see just how much that experience within myself influence so much in what I do or don't do in my life - so a relationship I have created with myself in TIME - in/throughout/as my life.
Fascinating stuff here - will continue in the blogs to follow.
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