248: Sinking into the Sickness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within myself when I am feeling physically weak or tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately fall within myself when I am physically sick, weak or tired - to see that I have already created a consequence as being physically weak or tired but here seeing who I am within such a consequence/experience - where I will just 'give into' the experience and use it to fall within myself - to say within myself "I AM" this physically weakness and tiredness and I give up - and want to just fall into and as it within victimizing myself, pitying myself, and thus actually relishing in the experience of "I am falling" because of physically how I feel instead of realizing that even within being physically sick or tired or weak, i can still breathe and not accept and allow myself to internally experience a point of 'giving up' and 'falling' where I simply allow myself to 'not care' to apply myself in such moments, but instead really go into this point of feeling physically weak and tired

So just a point I saw within myself today, my head was achy and my nose was stuffed and I was sneezing - basically my allergies acting up and within this, slumping my shoulders over, no longer walking straight, shoulder's back, self directed and here but an actual 'falling' into myself like "I will no longer breathe and apply myself, I give up"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'fall' physically within being physically sick, where I will no longer direct myself or apply myself within self movement or self direction but instead allow myself to sink into the sickness manifested within/as my physical body and want to just 'sleep it away' and although this might be supportive for the body - the who I am within this manifested sickness of my body is that of a giver upper where I go into a "I don't care, I'm sick, I don't have to care, I don't have to apply myself, I am free for the moment" which is such an interesting statement one would make "I am free for the moment....... to not care and allow my mind to give me direction, to be it's slave and not be self directed of how I experience myself"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom to be within the experience of giving up - giving into myself as a falling into myself of 'no longer caring' to apply myself, which implies I don't really care about myself, I don't really care about life, I only care about how I experience myself - and thus revealing self interest and where I place the value of 'what life is' and thus don't want to care enough to stop and change but instead perpetuate the state of my existence as being 'not caring' to stop, breathe, stand up and become self directed in each moment

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use physical sickness as a reason and excuse to go into this point of 'not caring' and justifying with it as to why I don't have to 'stand up' and can basically fall within myself in not directing myself in each moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose sickness over health as the mind over the body as my experience over what is real as life, what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sickness as a means to feel sorry for myself and to victimize myself within feeling like "I have no control" and thus allow myself to submit to this "I have no control" experience within me instead of stopping and breathing and looking at how I can support myself within such a point such as investigating why I am feeling like "I have no control" and why I feel I must "give up" and why I think it's "easier" to fall then to stand and so

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate myself fully within every moment in terms of asking why I experience myself the way that I do, why have I manifested such a physical experience and why do I accept and allow myself to 'fall' in such an experience instead of standing within the physical experience as what my body is actually supporting me to see, realize and understand - that perhaps I required a slowing down and a more care-full consideration to my relationship with my body - where I am not supporting it effectively or where I am allowing myself to still fall within my mind that lead to the manifested consequences of this physical discomfort

What I see is that my allergies have been acting up quite a bit this season and really, after sleeping for a few hours, I woke feeling much better and stable and cleared up within my sinuses but I still see the initial experience of myself within this sickness experience today was as if I totally caved into the experience, I fell and didn't bother standing within myself to stop and breathe and not give into the experience of being physically sick or tired - where it's like I was feeding myself with these thoughts and emotions of "being sick", so like actually 'playing the role' as how one must act when one is feeling sick - instead of simply breathing, being here with the physical experience of my body as physically weak and tired/sick instead of creating a whole personality within it of "I'm sick" and thus sinking into this sick feeling. It's not bad that I was sick - yet the correction required is the who I am in such moments/experiences.

Thus - when and as I see myself experiencing a physical sickness/discomfort within/as my body, I stop and I breathe and I make sure I stand here with/as my physical body and do not allow myself to go into a "I am sick" character where I will physically stop directing myself, slump my shoulders and literally 'fall into myself' as no longer standing straight up, standing here - yet allow myself to fall into the experience of 'being sick', as I see/realize/understand that the physical manifested consequence of being sick is an accumulation of who I am in relation to my body and thus my responsibility to not continue to allow separation and the mental reality of me to influence or direct who I am and thus I commit myself to when and as I see myself becoming or experience discomfort and sickness/tiredness/weakness within/as my physical body - to remain standing, to breathe, to stand straight up here and find ways to support myself physically, whether it be with sleep or medication - the point being I commit myself to not 'fall' into an experience of 'being sick' but to remain constant as who I am and this process I walk of becoming self directed in each moment as who I am and to thus support myself and investigate the whys and hows of the sickness I have manifested - to look at what this experience of being physically sick is showing me and thus always finding the specific support here for me as my body in each moment and also I commit myself to investigate where I am still allowing myself to give up, to feel as if I have no control and to not care in thinking it's 'easier' to fall then to stand and thus walk my process of daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements and applications as the process of changing who I am within each moment to no longer accept and allow myself to be a slave to my experience but to instead become self responsible for who I am in each moment, willing myself to become self directed and standing here to be a pillar of support for myself and others as I see is best for all

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