408: Waiting or Creating

Recently there is this point of like waiting…. Like I’m waiting for this moment in time to arrive so I can start actually living, which in this case me moving to Canada. It’s like I’m waiting for that time to arrive, or waiting for the moment when I can start packing, like ‘not yet’ – it’s not yet necessary for me to start. I had planned things well, and so far, things have gotten done in a timely manner because I am not feeling rushed or overwhelmed. I have directed what I need to direct and so I am walking with enough time and space, so why am I so unsatisfied?

There is this point of me not living my potential. Not using the time I have effectively. Because I do have time for more projects, to be more active in my life, to be more engaged, to write my blogs and create vlogs and to do my own research and investigations and development… yet I’m not utilizing it; I'm not yet developing it to my full potential.

I’m waiting.

What am I waiting for?

I’m waiting for the perfect conditions where I can start to move myself, where there are no distractions, and I am in a way starting from a ‘clean slate’. Like wanting to start over, a completely new start, new beginning and from there, create and change. Though I realize this perhaps is not valid… as I am here. I am here and I am breathing and so essentially waiting, is existing in separation of myself here, of what IS here. There is no reason or excuse as to why I cannot move myself NOW, today, in this moment. Perhaps conditions are not ideal, though I can still move myself. And how are the conditions not perfect? Is this perfection valid? Or accurate? Or based on practical reality? Or more so an image in my mind of how things ‘should’ or ‘could’ go? Obviously I must create the condition in which I am able to exist and move and change and create. And perhaps those conditions will never actually exist.

The condition I see I am wanting is me in Canada.. it’s like ‘once I’m in Canada, THEN I can live.’ Though it was the same while I was in school, “once I’m done with school, THEN I can do more stuff.’ Or ‘once I’m done with serving, THEN I can do more stuff/learn more stuff.’ This waiting is simply an excuse to not move or live or change now, in this moment. You work with what you have, you don’t wait for some perfect scenario to play out because you could wait a whole lifetime and leave this life with nothing but regret. Regret you waited for some perfect condition to manifest. This implies separation, this implies I am not in fact creating my reality and my world, that I am somehow not responsible for myself and my life and things will just magically unfold on their own.

No, I realize I must create this myself. I cannot wait. It’s just another version of one waiting for their Savior, waiting for their Jesus to return, waiting for some sign or indication of ‘what to do’ – it’s the same nature I allowed of myself when practicing Law of Attraction… wait for something to come to you, wait for some signal you should do this or go there or make this decision.

The one point I realized when coming across Desteni, the one point that immediately stood out to me as common sense was this… There is NO ONE or NO-THING that will save me. I am responsible for ME. I create my life. I create myself. And the waiting I was allowing was self-dishonest and an act of self-abdication.

I am here, I am breathing. Today I am awake. So what will I do with myself today? Wait? Or Create? I choose to create. I choose to live… I choose LIFE.

So the waiting must stop here.

More writings and Self-Forgiveness on this point in the blogs to follow...

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