Day 92 -Self Value in Polarity

This point is in relation to how I had lived my life before, wherein I would replay the thoughts that "I'm not doing anything with my life - I am a loser, and a failure, someone, please give me direction!" Which is obviously within a negative context - yet no solutions were ever lived or changes made, I would just basically sit in my shit and complain and whine and moan about how I was a failure at life, allow myself to judge myself, yet never realize the simplistic solution to DO something about it. Now I seem to be living the polarity. I am busy these days, with school, and work and tutoring and my participation with desteni. I have taking on many responsibilities and commitment - and I am grateful to be doing what I am doing, as every moment of each task is the opportunity to in fact face myself and change the patterns I have seen myself live out. Yet - within this, I have accepted myself to go into the 'positive' side of it as, "Look at all the things I am doing within my Life - i am busy and I have direction and I am 'doing something good' with my life because of it."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, judge myself and exist within back chats of, "I'm not doing anything with my life - I am a loser, and a failure, someone, please give me direction!", constantly perpetuating the existence of myself of not moving myself or making any sort of decisions within self direction to change how I was living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do not do in my life, wherein I have defined not being in school, and just working, as something negative or 'bad' that then defines me as a 'bad person'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do within my life, wherein I have defined being in school, working, tutoring and participating within the process of desteni as something 'positive' that then defines me as a 'good person'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation of myself wherein I seek outside sources as a way to validate myself and my existence in determining whether I am a 'good or bad' person - based on what activities or responsibilities I have in my life - thus separating myself from my own self value and placing it into outside/external forces, wherein if I were to lose or gain something based on these definitions - I am either a winner or a loser - clearly accepting this within myself creates and accepts this within this entire world and thus we have separation, inequality, competition.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my self value according to being in school, working and tutoring

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need things outside of myself, as 'keeping busy' as a way to define myself FOR OTHERS - as a way to present myself as something of worth and value in this world

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest of how others see and perceive me according to my definitions of being 'worthy or not' based on what I do or do not do in my life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within polarity - separation - haves and have not throughout my life, constantly existing in highs and lows according to what I'm doing in my life - instead of being stable, as breath, and finding solutions that stop the back and forth withing myself, constantly swinging on the self limitations as definitions according to outside sources

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based/created my desire to 'show others' that I am of value and worth according to the responsibilities in my life on my own self judgments and acceptance of what makes a human being 'valuable'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more busy I am with responsibilities and commitments - the better human being I am, instead of realizing the value of what I do is defined within who I am, as I see, realize and understand that if I am coming from a starting point of self judgments and attempting to make up for these negative feelings with positive feelings, then I am not living unconditionally, and instead conditionally, as my acts are based within self interest in making myself more, instead of doing what I do as what is best for all - and this is realizing that what i am currently doing is to direct myself to create a system of value in this world that is best for all, and not one of false value placed on ideas or self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within positive and negative back chats according to what I am doing within my life, instead of realizing that within this very act, I am separating myself from that which I am doing in my life, in creating and defining it as either positive or negative - something that either makes me look good or bad, and thus only living a limited presentation of myself and not at all here in the moment, as myself with awareness as the breath, moving and living and physically participation with reality

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life always exist within self interest - wherein everything that I do has been based within 'how it makes me look' in judging it as either 'good or bad' for my precious image as ego of personality

I forgive myself that i have never allowed myself to just be here - unconditionally and without ulterior motives - yet always seeking ways to win and be better then others and better then how I have defined myself, revealing that I have always only been attempting to be more then myself

When and as I see myself reacting to myself within what I am doing within my life in relation to being in school or not, working or not, tutoring or not, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that within the ideas and thoughts and self definitions I allow within my mind, I am separating myself from living unconditionally and limiting myself within the small space of polarity, having to only be 'this or that' and not allowing myself to simply be here, doing what I do within the decision and direction of what is best for all and only what is best for me within attempting to preserve the prison of personality of my ego as who I am attempt to portray myself as to others

I commit myself to stop separating myself from reality through thinking and judging and having opinions and ideas about what i am doing in my life - and instead I commit myself to breathe with and as each moment of every day I have here, being equal and one with and as each moment I Have here, LIVING for real as each moment as awareness of who I really am as Life

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to outside sources as what I am doing in my life according to work, school and other activities

I commit myself to stop limiting myself within the polarity pendulum wherein I exist only as positive and negative and always attempting to find the balance, and instead breath as living stability and real consistency and true self will to actually live

I commit myself to stop judging myself for what i do or don't do in my life and instead commit myself to see within self honest always, to see my starting point for all decisions and actions I live and to always correct myself within aligning myself to remove that which is self interest within me into what is best for all

I commit myself to stop presenting myself as an image for others and instead live unconditionally for myself

I commit myself to stop placing valuing in separation of myself here in outside sources

I commit myself to live in ways that I see are within my responsibility and capability in implementing a system in this world that is of support of what is best for all - realizing I must first create this within and as myself

I commit myself to the realization that what this world is, in all it's ways, is a reflection of who I am, and how I live and thus I commit myself to live my self responsibility within this world of self honesty, self forgiveness and self correction - to change myself into that which is best for all

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