Kristina's Journey to Life

Here a point of seeing when I want to create/make/produce more of something as a point of quantity over quality and what actually is then sacrificed in that stance... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to produce quantity over quality I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's more important to focus on the quantity of what I produce rather than the quality of what I produce I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I exist as the nature of capitalism wherein it's become more important to produce a lot to sell, buy and consume rather than produce quality products that last the test of time, that exist to support and not to exploit I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the nature of capitalism wherein I would rather produce a lot that is easy to consume rather than produce what really matters where the quality become...

A point here of realizing the extent to the addiction and automatic habit I've created out of smoking and within that, the realization of the power I have as a creator because as a creator, I've enslaved myself into my own decision and choices. Throughout the years I made a decision in many moments to smoke which created it to become automatic to the point where I don't have to decide anymore, the body/mind/being smokes without the decision needing to be made. It's an established and accepted habit. Now - in making the decision to stop, I have to go against my very own programming that I designed... and finding that very difficult yet also very revealing... a creator trapped in its own creation ... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to reward myself with a cigarette after I finish an activity - as if smoking is the reward I get for completing a task I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the habit through...

One of the aspects of stopping smoking for me is stopping suppressions. Smoking was a way to deal with myself in many moments of different experiences and now that I'm not smoking, I am having to learn how to cope with myself in those moments. And so for me, learning how to try something new, willing to reach out when I really want to suppress, and understanding that it's going to take me doing something different to get different results. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more proactive when I see I am experiencing emotional turmoil and instead want to just 'wait it out' and see if it subsides I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to communicate with others when I am experiencing emotional turmoil as wanting to keep it inside and not share it with anyone and not ask for support when I see I need it I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself to do something different than t...

Continuing from the previous blog in looking at the relationship I have towards smoking and time, what I can see is how there is a definition of purpose defined within smoking. Where in these in-between moments when I would usually smoke, now they are vacant and I see a void of purpose... not having any direction or meaning to myself in those moments. It's like smoking once gave me a reason and purpose at that moment... to smoke... and now that I am not smoking, what is left? Where am I? Who am I? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose and meaning within/as smoking as the moments where I would smoke, now that I'm not, feeling lost and without a reason or purpose I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to those moments of smoking as having something to do with myself and not actually having to face myself as the question of 'who I am' without smoking... without an idea or belief or de...

It's been more than 7 days since I last had a cigarette. I have been a smoker for more than half my life and I've attempted to stop only a handful of times, unsuccessfully obviously. The last time I tried was about a year and a half ago and I quit for 3 months. A lot of the same factors as my reasoning for stopping are part of this attempt but this time I had an opportunity to have a little help to get started. I had a couple wisdom teeth removed and both times previously I've had teeth pulled, I've given myself dry-socket from smoking right after. This time I decided I would give my body the proper time off to heal as effectively as possible and so I thought well if I won't be smoking, why not use this as an opportunity to stop for good. So that was the initial consideration for the timing to stop. The other factor is money . I spend a lot of money to smoke and I am having a hard time these days justifying smoking my money away - especially when I can't ...

One aspect of my agreement with my partner that has become glaringly obvious and oh so troublesome for us is the fact that we seem to not work together as a team, but rather end up working against each other - like we are actually competing, each trying to win over the other. We both are aware of this, and how silly it is, and how problematic it is when it shows up in certain aspects of our lives. For me it started out in thinking we just can't work on projects together but I know this is like giving up instead of being willing to look at myself and see where I can change to actually make it work... where can I change to allow us to better work together? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner where it's like we are on separate teams, playing a game , and there can only be one winner instead of realizing we are actually on the same team, with the same goal, and it can be a win/win situation I forgive myself that I have accepte...

Agreement. What is an Agreement? To me, in the context of how I've been living it, it's a point of understanding the time and space needed and required to actually change. My partner and I agreed to walk this life together - to learn how to live and exist as equals, to work and live as partners in life. What I've realized recently is it's about actually agreeing, UNCONDITIONALLY, to walk the time it takes to actually change. And when I react to things 'not changed yet', even though I see the determination and commitment, it implies I am not unconditional in my agreement. The agreement is agreeing to walk THIS LIFE, until it's done. If it takes 90 years to change ourselves - is it worth it? Yes, because Life is worth it. And within that - it's not about waiting for the other to change.. the agreement is about SELF. ME changing ME. My partner is here within the same stance and that is what we agreed to. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allo...

Art By: Paulo Zerbato A point here of some fear I am experiencing in relation to those who see these blogs, and what they think of these blogs aka me, and my words and my process to Life. What I realize is that in my fear of what others think of me is the absence of my own self-created self-definition wherein I have not yet made a decision about who I am, particularly within these blogs, but overall in general and so in that void there is room for others to add their own interpretations and to me, this is where I see the fear is coming from. What if I filled that void myself? What if I decided who I am and made clear within myself why I do what I do - would I fear others adding their own observations? Would it matter where they stand in relation to me if I had established my own standing? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear some to see these words - to fear to see my self-forgiveness and the living commitments I make in my daily living I forgi...

A point here of feeling like nothing is normal - I am currently healing from a couple wisdom teeth being removed and so it's completely shifted what I've been doing the last few days, what I am able to do, what I can eat and can't eat - totally changing my routine and within that, within me, there is a yearning for "normalcy" as a point of the external environment being my point of stability - the normalcy keeping me feeling normal. The realization that it must come from within me and this exercise in being outside my comfort zone as my routine being completely shifted shows a deception within me where I created stability to come from outside of myself as my daily routine instead of from within/as myself as who I am... I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my physical condition as 'just wanting things back to normal' and to within this, force myself and my body to be normal even though I am causing more harm than good ...

It has been now over 2 months of writing a blog daily for my Journey to Life . Tonight was the first night where I was actually not going to write, I would say with a valid excuse, but I am choosing not to because this is the first time I have been able to commit to this point and to walk it with a consistency of ease and I refuse to stop for a moment. The daily writing has been so supportive for me. I was looking at this point the other day of how I felt like I was finally moving in my process - how I actually am making strides within my process and I considered that because of the daily blog. And then I had the thought "my blog is not really walking my process" as thinking it's a point I'm defining outside of myself - something I am doing rather than changing who I am. But this daily blogging is precisely me changing who I am and that who I am is determining what I do and what I am doing is this daily blogging as my Journey to life. This is my Process... this ...