10 April 2013

141- part 11: Memories Binding Us to the Past

Ok, so resuming the previous point I was walking through with self forgiveness and self corrective statements, this is continuing from these previous blogs:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination
Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
Day 129- Part 8: Correcting the Reactions
Day 130 - part 9: Forgiveness & Correction: The Mind Moving the Body
Day 131 - Part 10: The Consequences of What I Allow in a Moment

Since I have walked through the various dimensions I had identified in this moment with A, what is left is the memory in which was feeding and fueling this reaction within me, so specifically from Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within as holding onto the memories within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within as holding onto the memory of A asking me to do things for her such as making a phone call for a service, and within this my own experience of reacting to her as judging her for not being able/willing to do this for herself and so holding onto this judgment throughout the years that I have still allowed to influence me in my present moments, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past judgments of A in a moment of her asking me to do something for her, instead of releasing the judgment as to not carrying the past into my present, as I see/realize/understand that to judge her for who she was in the past only influence and direct me within who I am now and thus limiting myself from being fully here and present with myself and instead existing as only a memory that I allow to activate a certain response, proving then I am only a memory and not real as I define my existence, when in her presence, according to this past memory with her within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define A according to a past experience with her that is now stored within/as me as a memory, forever condemning her to her past actions/choices, instead of letting go unconditionally in no longer judging her but supporting her to change as I support myself to change in not using past experiences as a way to define her within realizing that I would not like it if someone were to define me according to who I was in the past and thus I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to stand in A's shoes as giving to her what i would like to receive in not defining her according to a past experience I had with her wherein I judged her for not doing something for herself and instead asked me to do it, as I would not like to be defined according to my past experiences with others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to A what I would like to receive as allowing her to change as I would like the ability to change, and to hold onto a memory in seeing her a certain way, there is no room for me to see any changes, as I then see through the filter of the memory that then define what I see and thus seeing here then I am not even directive within how i see A and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see A within the filter as limitation as the memories of her in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to use a past experience with A as a means to abuse her in seeing her in separation of myself as an equal, in only seeing her through/as an image in my mind as a memory, instead of standing here as her equal in realizing that we are equal; she breathes as I breathe, and together we share this physical reality, and are of physical substance and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the equality that I am with/as others in every moment of every breath in accepting memories to be the view from which I see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of A telling me what to do such as cleaning my room and doing the dishes, and within this memory my reaction towards her in relation to this, wherein I experienced myself as a 'slave' to her in 'having to do' what she says and asks and to within this carrying this experience with me as memories within my mind and thus always influencing me in moments with her, triggering the same exact experience any time she asks me to do something and so never actually free here, but always bound by my past as the memories I have stored within/as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A according to memories within my mind, reacting to something that is not even REAL, but a picture stored within my mind as a means to direct me in acting a certain way and experiencing myself in a certain way in relation to A, revealing the relationship I have created with A is built upon an image, a recollection - collecting energy as the experience I generate within the reactions I have within the memories i have within my mind, never here, never breathing, never seeing/standing within/as substance, but instead in the illusionary world of the mind as images and pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a relationship with A based on separation wherein I have defined her and myself according to memories of past experiences with her, wherein I reacted towards her and thus allowing it to influence me here, years later, never allowing myself to unconditionally let it go, and allow change to take place and realizing that I cannot see for real if I am only seeing within/as my memories of defining myself and another according to the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see through/as memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and others according to my memories

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to delete all memories within me that contain the energetic reactions that i continue to allow to influence and direct that which I see and who I am in each moment as I attempt to play out the character in which I believe I must be in moments that I see relate/are similar to the past memories i have stored within my mind thus constantly cycling the same situation, the same behavior, the same reactions, never living for real, free, here, new life in/as each breath and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cycle through the same patterns as the relationship reactions I have accepted according to memories within/as my mind and never allowed myself to release myself from the cycles of self abuse as the accepted definition I have given to myself and A according to these memories

When and as I see myself reacting to another in a moment, I stop and I breathe and I look within myself in that moment to see what memories is fueling this reaction  and I in that moment of breathing in, stop and delete it and allow myself to breathe out as birthing new life without the influence of the past as memory fueling a reaction as I have seen/realized/understood that if I am reacting, it is because of something I am holding onto as a relationship to myself or another in the form of a picture/image/memory within my mind and so I commit myself to investigate all memories within me, as I walk my journey to life, that do not support me within living here, self honestly, as each moment, in/as each breath

When and as I see myself participating in a memory as a way/means to see another as defining them as 'who they are' according to that memory, I stop and I breathe and in that in breath, I delete this memory and do not allow it to continue existing/influencing me within my life as I see/realize/understand that to see another according to a memory is to see within the filters of the past and not seeing here, for real, in/as the moment that i stand and so I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to define another according to past moments with them, as I give to another what I would like to receive  as I would like to not be defined according to who I was in past moments, but to instead commit myself to release them through self investigation, finding out the relationship I have created towards it in separation, and self forgiveness in letting it go and correcting myself to no longer exist in seeing through only a picture/image/memory that only keeps my cycling in the same habitual patterns and behavior but instead give to myself and another that which I would like to receive  which is an opportunity to change, to start over, to create something new that is worthy of life and not bound by past experiences but instead here, new, free, stable in each moment as each breath

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