14 March 2013

125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions

Here I will walk the self forgiveness for each dimensions found in this situation, starting with the back chats:

“Why can’t she let the dogs out herself”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment of A asking if I would let the dogs out, respond within my secret mind as back chat as a reaction to her words with, “Why can’t she let the dogs out herself” and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A’s words of asking me to let the dogs out as an automatic response within my mind, instead of breathing here and remaining stable and not allowing my internal reality to react to what is happening in physical reality, as the internal reality participation as back chat is not real, the physical reality is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A asking me to let the dogs out with internal back chat, instead of simply breathing and realizing that I am able and capable to do a task and thus it was unnecessary for me to react to her words in that moment

“She always does this”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and participate in the back chat in my mind of, “she always does this” when A spoke words to me asking if I would let the dogs out, blaming her for past experiences and carrying the past into that moment, showing that I have held onto resentments that influence our communication and interaction in the moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive and release resentments towards A from the past as to ensure that I do not carrying the past into the present, limiting the present as I am then allowing the past experiences to influence me and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by past experiences as resentments towards A for asking me if I would let the dogs out – instead of simply being here, breathing, present and agreeing to the task I was more then capable of doing

“She is so annoying”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards A asking me to let the dogs out as back chats in my mind of, “she is so annoying”, blaming her and judging her for the reaction I am accepting and allowing in the moment and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A asking me to let the dogs out and to from there blame her for ‘being annoying’ when in reality I was ‘annoyed’ with myself for having the reaction in that moment that was in fact unnecessary

“she’s always in the way”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A in the form of back chat as the reaction to her standing close to me and B as he was assisting me with my car, in blaming her for her proximity to me and defining her as ‘not doing anything’ and thus believe she did not have a right to stand so close and thus believe she was ‘in the way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self experience of throughout my life feeling like I was “always in the way” and a bother to others and instead of facing and addressing this point/experience within myself, blame A for being “in the way” and thus I forgive myself that I have abdicated myself in that moment of self responsibility in ‘blaming her’ instead of ‘seeing me’ and what I have lived throughout my life

“She can never stand still” “she is always having to do something”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with back chats in my mind of, “she can never stand still” and “she is always having to do something” as I watched A move towards me and begin to remove the leaves from my car, in that moment judging her for her physical actions and movements – instead of realizing this is a self projection, of how I have lived throughout my life and even currently becoming more aware of how I am unable to simply be here without anxiety or thoughts or feelings directing me to move my body physically as a way to “keep me occupied” within fear of just being here without ‘needing something to do’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the self experience I have/had in my life onto A, instead of taking responsibility for myself in such moments wherein I believe I have to ‘do something’ instead of simply allowing myself to breathe and be here

“why cant she just relax”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat in my mind of, “why can't she just relax” as I watched and judged A for her physical behavior and movements in the moment her and I were standing near my car as B was assisting me with it – judging her for her movements in that moment without realizing it was me I was seeing, in how throughout my life I have always felt tense and anxious and did not allow myself to simply breath and be here without stress as thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me in moments, thus always in a state of anxiety and not allowing myself to let go and breathe here and simply let go and relax

“She’s never willing to help me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat of “she is never willing to help me” when A was not willing to help me get my car toed, reacting within/as blaming her as not willing to help me within the expectation that as a parent she ‘requires’ to help me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that as a parent, A should always be willing to help me with whatever I need, instead of realizing others have to consider their physical reality and assess their self honesty as whether they are in a position to assist another being or not and so instead of considering this perspective, automatically react to her as being ‘selfish’ and unwilling to help me

“She’s got such a bad attitude”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat/internal conversation of "she's got such a bad attitude" in relation to A and thus judging her for her expression instead of simply standing in self responsibility and not allowing my perspective of another influence what is real as realizing that I was the one in the moment allowing a "bad attitude" influence me within/as reacting to A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself onto A when speaking the words "she's got such a bad attitude" as the back chat/internal conversations within my mind in that moment, instead of realizing that what I was actually saying was reflecting myself and so I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that in that moment of speaking the back chat I was actually speaking about me, and to stop it in a moment with/as breathing and not participating as I realized it was a point of separation wherein I was separating myself from myself in that moment and projected myself outward unto A as the "point of blame"

“If she will have an attitude towards me then I will have one with her”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat/internal conversation of "if she will have an attitude towards me than I will have one with her" as a way to justify and excuse my reaction to A in that moment, wherein I allowed resentments to influence myself in that moment within judging her and thus play the game of war of the minds wherein she was clearly reacting to something I said and I in turn participated as well, matching her expression equally as a way to "stand my ground" and "challenge" her in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if another has an attitude towards me, then I am justified to have an attitude towards them, instead of realizing the energy game this is where participants attempt to beat each other as winning through collecting the 'stand' that gives them an energy high as 'being right' and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play this game through accepting the back chat of "if she will have an attitude towards me than I will have one with her" instead of realizing that an "eye for an eye" cause one to be blind

“She thinks her children are her slave”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "she thinks her children are her slave" as reacting to a moment with A wherein I allowed memories and resentments influence and direct me to react to her, as perpetuating the reactions of 'feeling like a slave' in A asking me to do things that I always agreed to but never wanted to and always reacted within, instead of sorting out these points within myself and taking responsibility for my own reactions, instead of allowing blame to direct me within believing it's "her" and what she is doing that causes me to be a victim, when I realize I am not a victim as I equally participated in doing things for her when she asked, instead of supporting her to be able to do them herself and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to A and her asking me to do things for her, instead of taking responsibility for my agreeing to do the things, realizing that if I agree, than that's it, there is no need to allow reactions or judgments about it as I see/realize/understand this creates consequences that I then carry with me as memories to accumulate throughout time until i reach I point where I am stuck in the past, blaming her for the present moments according to memory, instead of allowing the moment to be new, without the past reactions 'here' directing and influencing me

“Why did she even have kids”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat/internal conversations of "why did she even have kids" as a way to validate, excuse and justify my reactions to A in the moment and further enslave myself to the experience I was accepting and allowing of being a victim to her, instead of taking self responsibility, stopping, breathing and NOT allowing myself to justify my stance of blame projected unto her

“She can’t treat me like this”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "she can't treat me like this" as a way to victimize myself in relation to A, instead of realizing in the moment that memories of past experiences and past reactions were accumulated throughout time and I was holding onto resentments and thus use this back chat as a way to further validate 'where I was' in relation to this moment, excusing the reactions and blame, not at all realizing that the words within myself as my mind and these back chats reveal a treatment of another I would not like to be done unto me, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat another without consideration, and equality wherein I stand in their shoes and stand within self responsibility within myself, realizing that any and all experiences, thoughts, reactions and movements within me in relation to another are always my creation and thus my responsibility

“Just because you had children and raised them, doesn't mean we owe you anything”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "just because you had children and raised them, doesn't mean we owe you anything" as a way to completely abdicate my responsibility to myself and instead allow myself to be a victim to her in this moment, accepting separation within myself wherein I project my self responsibility unto another as the cause/source/origin of my experience, instead of realizing I was allowing it in that moment, and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this back chat as a form of war, blaming another for my experience and thus victimizing myself instead of realizing that I am allowing myself to be a victim in how I see/perceived her asking me to do things for her, when I could have stopped any and all reactions about that and simply say yes or no, no ideas or judgments would be necessary and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within myself and with another through judging another and their actions or non-actions and simply participate, here in the physical, as saying either yes to her or no to her and leaving it at that without the internalization within my mind about "what it means" and then go into the whole cycle of blame and judgment


In the next blog I will continue this process of taking responsibility for myself with/as self forgiveness for the other dimensions found in this moment.


Featured Artwork By: Andrew Gable and Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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