This is a continuation of Day 122- Walking Through a Moment of Irritation part 1 and Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2. Please read for context.
Now that I have the memories associated to this experience – I will identify the other components or dimensions existent within this situation. Specifically what I am doing is looking at "who I was" in this moment I have written out - looking at what was going on "inside of me" in that moment, such as what was I thinking, how I was feeling and what kind of experiences did I have. This will thus support me to see where self forgiveness is required, as I was not directive in the moment of/as myself, but instead directed by my mind; the thoughts, memories, feelings/emotions and experiences, thus allowing myself to be a slave, a reaction, instead of response.able - being here, present, stable - where I respond to the moment within self honesty, without resentments from the past or hidden grudges that I have not sorted out within myself and instead use against others as a form of war.
Back Chat/Internal Conversations
“Why can’t she let the dogs out herself” “She always does this” “She is so annoying” “she’s always in the way” “She can never stand still” “she is always having to do something” “why cant she just relax” “She’s never willing to help me” “She’s got such a bad attitude” “If she will have an attitude towards me then I will have one with her” “She thinks her children are her slave” “Why did she even have kids” “She can’t treat me like this” “Just because you had children and raised them, doesn't mean we owe you anything”
So here we can see quite the noise happening in the mind, yet not spoken or exposed for others, but instead kept quiet as a form of secrecy - quite deceptive and dishonest.
Me telling her that her kids are not her slave and that I think that’s the only reason she had kids
Anger, annoyance, irritation, blame, judgment
Physical restriction in my body as I see her, physically moving away from her as she stands closer to me. Match her physical reaction back to her, in that shaking my head and having a look of annoyance, raising my voice
Speaking within energy, creating conflict with another, feelings of guilt
Clear to see that I was not at all directive in this moment, without 'control' of myself, as I gave my power and authority over to the movement in my mind and continued to justify it as being valid. What I have realized in this process that I have been walking, is just how abusive one can be, yet it's not ever seen in self honesty. Instead we have a tendency to suppress, deny and ignore what is really going on within us, and perhaps this is why we as humanity do not want to face the reality of our World, that is equal for all of us, because we do not want to even face the reality of ourselves.
Be the change - face yourself within and without.
In the next blog I will walk the self forgiveness, and self corrective/commitment statements for the memories and dimensions identified, to take responsibility for myself in that moment, for not standing up as accepting and allowing myself to participate in war in my mind, blame, resentment, judgments and all points of separation that cause further conflict within self and another.
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