10 March 2013

122 - Walking Through a Moment of Irritations part 1

I saw irritation directed towards a family member. We will call them A. There are two others referenced in this post so we will refer to them as B, and C.

A and B were assisting me with my car – and while I’m not aware of the moment I was triggered as irritation toward A– I saw the back chat and the physical behavior as the reaction I had in that moment towards A.

A came out while B was busy putting my battery back in the car. A was smoking and moved close to me where I was standing, next to B, and leaned in and started cleaning the leaves from my hood. This irritated me. I moved and was ‘annoyed’ that A went to clean my car - one of the reasons was because A has always done that throughout my life, implies I am ‘dirty’ and is telling me to clean up, so this act was like A saying those words to me, “this is dirty, you need to clean it” – another is because I judged A for ‘having to do something’ – like A couldn't just stand there, A had to move in and act upon something. Also I had the back chat of, “A is always in the way, A is always having to do something”

Oh, before this moment, A came out of the house telling/asking me to let the dogs out. I asked A why they couldn't do this (again, there was judgment towards A because they always tell me to do something when they are more than capable of doing it themselves– later after both A and B had already left, I had the back chat of blaming A for treating me like their slave and said(internally/in my mind) that I am A's responsibility, not their slave and blamed them for making me just to ‘do things for them’ like when they get old, they expect me to take care of them, and justified my anger towards this because I did not ask them to bring me into this world (lol - obviously my attempt to 'hide' who I am referencing escapes through the content, oh well), so just because A cared and did things for me while I was growing up doesn't mean I have to do the same for them.

Back to the moment at the car, I was annoyed that A was cleaning leaves out from my hood. And was in judgment of A for ‘having to do something’ as if they couldn’t just stand there, they had to ‘be in the way’ – so judging A as ‘being in the way”? I have had this experience within myself throughout my life – always feeling like I was in the way of others, a bother to others - so a projection here onto another instead of seeing it in how I have lived this throughout my life and taking responsibility for it.

A then, once I asked them what I should do about toeing my car to the shop, with an attitude A said, “well I guess you can use my Triple A” but before A could complete their sentence, I matched them in the energy of ‘attitude’ that I saw and reacted equally to say, “well C said I could use hers if it’s such a problem” as a way to spite A and blame A for the annoyance she displayed. I felt guilty about this almost immediately because I knew I was reacting to A. And in that, accepting and allowing separation within myself. And blame towards her.

There is more to the story, and I will continue walking through this moment and investigating what was 'here' as myself in the moments as to take responsibility for myself in posts to follow.

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