11 March 2013

123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2

This is a continuation from Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritations part 2

The next day, after I saw myself react to A – I saw the polarity personality in relation to her. A became ill and was in bed all day with stomach problems. A then developed a fever. While I was at work, and not at home with A, she was texting me asking if she should be worried because she had a fever of almost 102. This is where I then experienced emotion of fear and worry for A and began thinking about no one being there for her and wanting to go home and take care of her. Fear of A being older and her body unable to support her in this illness/dis-ease she was experiencing. I was afraid for A, afraid for myself, fear of losing A and being without her. So quite the opposite experience in relation to/toward A then I had experienced in the previous day.

So looking back on the day before, where I reacted with emotions (negative experience) towards A:

Within this is how I have experienced A in my past, so memories of A always telling me to “clean my room” and “you need to do this… and you need to do that…” always within a position of telling me what to do. In this case, A displayed this similar expression towards me and I in turn experienced a reaction towards her. First, A came out of the house telling me, “let the dogs out when you go inside” – and my immediate reaction was, “why can’t you do this yourself” and I spoke these words to A. Within this is a memory of being younger and when ordering food to be delivered to the house or needing to make a call for some kind of service– A would always make me call them. I wondered why A never wanted to call, and she would never give me a reasonable(in my opinion) answer to why she would not call – A would just say, “I don’t want to.” Over time, and through this pattern playing out enough times, I can see I developed a resentment towards A– feeling like because of whatever A's reason for, how I perceived it as ‘fear’ for not doing something, they would ‘make me’ do it. And I would always do it. So here I see my responsibility, because instead of standing within the moment, and saying “no – I will not do this, you are more than capable of doing it yourself” I would always go ahead and do whatever it was A was asking. So was there fear of saying no to A? No - - no fear, just I guess a feeling of “no choice”, like A was an authoritative figure and I had to do it. So I did. But secretly judged A as not willing herself to just do it herself, as A was more than capable. And for allowing whatever the reason A made the decision to not make the call/do something, instead of pushing through and not allowing it to direct her.

The next point I reacted to her was when A was cleaning the leaves from my car. Within this is many memories of times when A would be ‘nagging’ me to clean my room, and I always experienced myself as ‘not good enough’ within A's standard of ‘cleanliness’. Like it/I was never good enough, clean enough, perfected in how A saw I should be living. So while A did not speak directly the words of, “you should clean this”, A's physical action of removing the leaves from my car was a trigger and so I experienced it as it would be the same as if she said the words themselves. A was indirectly telling me these leaves should not be here, it is dirty, you should remove them, at least this is how I perceived/interpreted her actions. Again, I can see how this is attached to reaction of A ‘always telling me what to do’, wherein I would be told to do something that A did not want to do themselves. So the emotions within this were: anger, irritation, annoyance. I was also within the experience of judgment toward A– for how A was moving themselves and for how A was not doing that which she expected of me.

Ok, so here I have some memories attached/fueling this point of reaction I experienced and so in the post to follow, I will identify the other mind dimensions found in this moment that directed me to react to her.

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