20 March 2013

128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination

So here I will continue the self forgiveness and self corrective statements for the dimension of reaction identified in this moment I have been busy walking through.

Reactions
Anger, annoyance, irritation, blame, judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an automatic reaction robot in a moment with A, wherein I reacted within and as anger to/towards her for her movements and words, realizing that it was all based on past experiences as memories with her and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the past experiences as memories be stored within me as my mind and influence me in moments with A as the presence, keeping me from being here unconditionally with her as who I am as life, but instead allow the past to direct me in 'how to behave' to/towards her according to specific words and body movements that trigger this reaction, revealing no self control, but only programmed responses as reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within/as anger when being around A, instead of taking responsibility for the anger I become in moments with her as I see/realize/understand that the anger is a consequence of accumulative moments that I allowed to bother me yet did not bother to sort out within me and thus have allowed it to continue to direct and influence me without my awareness but still with all of my acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react automatically within and as annoyance when being around A, when she says specific words that I have programmed within myself to trigger specific experiences within myself, such as annoyance instead of realizing the separation I am creating through allowing the moment to be tainted by past memories with her and un-investigated feelings that I have simply accepted and allowed to define the relationship I have with her and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the triggers I have created within me that automate a certain/specific reaction when in her presence or when she speaks certain words or moves a certain way thus allowing myself to be a robot that has been programmed to act and feel and think certain things in moments with her, instead of standing up within/as me to direct myself in moments and not allow the past to determine who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within/as irritation in this moment with A where I reacted to her words and her body movements, completely internalizing what she was doing and saying with what I have seen in the past and have continued to hold onto as a way to hold it against her as if I am protecting myself, instead of realizing how I am only limiting myself in not setting myself free from the past as memories stored within my mind that are programmed to be set off in certain moments with her, all she has to do is say the right thing, or move in one direction and the program I have created ignites and I am completely consumed by the internal experience of reactions, memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions - completely separated from physical reality as the present moment, as my breathing, into/as the mind as the alternate reality where only I am seeing/experiencing the reaction and yet hold onto it as if it is real and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the internal reality of/as my mind wherein I am completely separate and distracted from the physical reality based on movements and words A expresses, where I have accepted myself to be/act/feel/behave in a certain way - according to her and thus a slave to her and the reactions I have accepted to be me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards A when in a moment with her where she speaks specific words and moves a certain way that I have accepted to trigger certain responses within me and always 'falling' back onto judgments towards her as a way to deliberately not have to take responsibility for myself, because within the judgments I make myself believe I am free from responsibility because the blame is on her, yet not realizing that in the blame I am responsible, within the reaction, I am responsible, within the moment I am all ways, always responsible for who I am and what I participate with, within myself and without as my physical environment and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to myself in moments with A wherein I accept reaction as judgment to be my experience, never considering to stop accepting and allowing the judgments and instead ask why I am believing myself to be a victim when I am in fact creating/accepting/allowing the very moment with her and how I experience it as

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider who I am in the moments where I find myself saying, "I'm sorry, I over reacted" or questioning why I respond certain ways to certain moments with certain people in certain places, never considering these automatic responses as the reactions I allow - that I could actually take responsibility for them, for their creation and for stopping them... that I don't have to be a reactive robot that has rules to follow any time a specific word is spoken or a certain person is in my presence - I don't have to change 'who I am' in any moment, but can remain stable as who I am here as life, equal to and one with the expression of life as the physical process of breathing. Always here, always constant, always trustworthy. And so I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to align myself to the expression of life that is real and true and best for all, as the breath; never with judgment or anger or irritation or annoyance - yet always the same system of support for all, always giving, unconditionally, life to each moment.

The Corrective and Commitment Statements will be in the blog to follow. Thanks.



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