This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Here I will now walk the self forgiveness and self corrective statements for the imaginations dimension identified in this moment I had as a reaction towards A.
Me telling her that her kids are not her slave and that I think that’s the only reason she had kids
So at this point, A and B had already left, and I was back at home, reacting within my mind and a picture popped up in my head. The image was of me talking to A, telling her that I am not her slave, and that is the reason I think she had children. Within this image of me standing in front of her saying this - I was angry and wanting to get my point across to her, and within this I can recall an experience of being desperate for her to realize what I was saying. I realize this is an accumulative thought that had been brewing for many, many years.
What I can see from this is that I wanted to express to her how I was feeling about her always asking me to do things that I saw she was capable of doing herself and within this that I was frustrated that she was not willing to do these things her self but always came to me to do them. I also realize that in imaging me doing this, as the image I saw in my mind, I am still in a point of blame, misdirecting my anger towards her instead of bringing it back to myself in realizing that I could have communicated this to her. I could have asked her why she could not do it, or what was holding her back. But instead I reacted in anger and blame towards her and then went into the victim mode - ah, which is now clearly shown to be just my ego - because within this I can see that I am making this about me, instead of considering her in her own life and what she is dealing with within her own self/mind/being-ness, and what might be holding her back from doing certain things. So interesting to see how self-indulgent the mind can be in making everything about ourselves, where we do not dare consider another, stand in their shoes, open up communication to find out - instead become defensive within ourselves as our minds and then believe we must protect ourselves as if someone is deliberately abusing us.
Ok - so let's forgive this...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, after the moment of reacting to A for asking me to do something for her, and based within past memories of how I defined her as "always doing this" - participate in the picture as imagination in my mind where I am standing in front of her telling her how I experience this, that I am angry and frustrated that she is not willing to do some things for herself and always expects me to do this and so within this participation throughout the years, come to a point wherein I blame her for how she treats her children as defining her to treat them like slaves and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this point of resentment towards A throughout my life, instead of never bringing the responsibility back to myself within realizing that my experience towards her in relation to this point is what creates the relationship and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own creation as the experience I accept and allow to/towards A asking me to do things for her - instead of finding solutions that does not involve blame, judgments and anger and instead considers A as my equal and learn how to communicate my own experiences as a way to find a solution together, in consideration of each other
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the imagination of my mind of telling A that her children are not her slave - taking a stand 'against her' as if she was to blame for this experience I was allowing within myself - as how I saw/perceived what she was doing in asking me to do things for her, instead of actually finding out for real, and not assuming through making up my own ideas about why should would always ask me to do things I saw she was capable of doing and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to know how another experiences themselves, always decided that "i know" within my mind, instead of actually getting to know for real, through real/physical communication with another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the imagination of telling A that I am not her slave, accept and allow my ego to make everything about me, in victimizing myself in relation to A, instead of standing in her shoes and asking what was stopping her from doing some things - and to actually will myself to be self honest in a moment if I did not want to do something, instead of doing it, but then secretly judge her for it and so now having to face the consequences of years of accumulated resentments that influence me and the moments I have with her now
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim within the belief that A thinks I am her slave
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself within my mind communicating to A about how I experience her always asking me to do things that I believe she is capable of doing herself, instead of actually/physically/for real communicating about the point with her as a way to find solutions that do not cause conflict and unnecessary abuse and blame towards another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to A and her asking me to do things for herself and so within this separation as defining myself as inferior and unable to say no to her - attempt to assert myself as superior within my mind as the imagination of me 'standing my ground' in speaking the words to her that I am not her slave and that is not what children are born to be for parents
I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to realize the solution in self honest communication with another, in opening up a point such as not wanting to do something or wondering why A could not do something she is asking me to do and to instead internalize the whys and reasons which leads to no solution, only resentments and anger
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to speak up and tell A that I did not want to do some things that she would ask me to do, and instead always agree and then suppress myself within such a moment of not speaking up and within this suppressing, adding layer upon layer of moments as the very same reaction to the very same scenario, until it manifests within myself as my mind of projected anger towards A that I had towards myself for not speaking up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the fears and worries of the mind that hold me back from speaking my self honesty, of communicating with another as opening up a point or moment to find out what is actually influencing the moment and to instead of taking responsibility for this self-enslavement, blame A for enslaving me
Self Corrective/Commitment Statements
When and as I see myself blaming A within my mind as saying she treats her children like slaves, I stop and I breathe and I do not participate in this, as I see/realize/understand that this is MY CREATION, and thus I am the one responsible for what I am accepting and allowing as the experience of blame projected onto another, and so I commit myself to stop blaming A for treating her children a certain way and instead bring the point back to myself, back to my responsibility as I am the one who accepted and allowed years of reactions and irritation towards A for always wanting me to do things for her instead of communicating to her about the point to find solutions that would be best for both her and I and so I commit myself to stop blame, stop the internal excuse to justify my position 'against' her and instead become a physical living being that communicates physically with another, as my words, and find physical solutions that can be lived
When and as I see myself participating within the imagination of the mind as "standing my ground" to/towards/in relation to A, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the superiority desire I am projecting towards her from within the starting point of feeling inferiority to her, and so I breathe and get back to equality that is here, real for all as this physical reality, and so I commit myself to no longer separate myself in seeing myself as inferior to another as if I cannot say no to someone if they ask me to do something, and than attempt to, within my mind, be superior to them as a way to compensate for the inferiority I allow and so I commit myself to no longer accepting inferiority or superiority within my in relation to anyone, I stand equal, here as life, as all as one.
When and as I see myself participating within my mind as ideas about A's experience or reasons to or why she asks me to do things for her, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the knowledge of my mind as the assumptions I make and into physical reality, using who I am as a physical being with physical words to communicate with her in finding out why she must always ask me to do things for her, to get to the root of the situation as I see/realize/understand that to assume to know where A is in asking me to do things for her is based on ideas that have no real substance to them, as they are only filtered through my own interpretations and perceptions which I have proven to myself to be time and time again untrustworthy and always within the starting point of separation as either blame, anger or judgment and so I commit myself to stop the ASS I'm making of myself and another through the assumptions I make as if I know how another experiences themselves and instead find out for REAL - in real communication - opening up the point, asking questions, getting to know for real what is going on and how it can be directed withing the principle of what is best for all
When and as I see myself participating within victimizing myself in my relationship to A, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, as self honesty within self responsibility to realize that this is within self interest, making this moment about me and not at all considering A as my equal or where she is within her own process of facing herself as her mind, understanding what she is allowing to hold her back from doing the things she would always ask me to do, as I see/realize/understand that the experience of being a victim is assuming that everything is about me, and not realizing the other being that is here interacting with me equally and thus I commit myself to stand in the shoes of another and do unto another as I would have done unto me and so I commit myself to also not blame A within my mind as if I am her victim and instead stand as self authority and self power to communicate with her to find out what is going on within her and what is limiting her from doing the things she always asks me to do realizing this is what it means to really get to know another, and develop a real relationship - to look beyond what is presented and become self honest and open in communication
When and as I see myself accepting limitation as inferiority to A as wanting to suppress the questions I have about why she will not do what she asks me to do for her, believing that I cannot say no to her and I have to agree, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to me here, as the physical, equally as the physical breathing, stepping out of the constraints of my mind wherein I believe I have to play the part of the 'good daughter' and suppress myself in such a moment of standing up and saying no or asking why she cannot do it for herself as I see/realize/understand that to suppress myself in such a moment only accumulates more moments just like it, until there is no escaping it, until I must face it and so I commit myself to stand up for myself, for my self honesty in moments wherein i do not want to do what A asks of me and I dare myself to ask her why she is not willing to do it for herself, withing the consideration that she is walking her own process and so I stand equal to her in this process of facing self as the mind and support myself and another through communicating about the situation, being honest with myself and another about 'where I am' and find ways that both can accept that is clearly best for both and no longer supports suppression or resentments or fear
Cool to see some hidden points within these self forgiveness that I did not at first glance see when beginning the writing/self investigation of this moment, such as fearing to say no to another and feeling powerless, which I can see how anger that is projected towards another is definitely just a reflection of myself, wherein I am angry at myself for not being honest with myself in such moments and allowed suppression to exist.
Will continue with the rest of the mind-dimensions of this moment in the blogs to come... enjoy!
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