01 June 2013

188: Who I Am within the Decision/Choice I make

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking:
181: The Birth of a Bully
182: The Birth of a Bully part 2
183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1
184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests
185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority
186: Seeing Equality Through Polarity & Dumping Life for Illusion

Continuing with self forgiveness:

Fear for having to tell Cristina I would no longer be her friend and thus desiring to 'get it over with' so that I could move on with my 'new' friends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as fear as the decision I made to 'dump' Cristina, as to no longer being her friend in defining her and myself as inferior and thus wanting to be 'superior' as how I defined the two girls in my class and so even though I 'thought' I was making the 'right choice' - not wanting to actually face what I was actually doing and thus fearing it as I realized, within self honesty, what I was doing was not cool and yet I allowed my self interest to reign and decided to dump her anyway, so that i could make myself more and better than how I defined both her and I

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face the decision I was making to dump Cristina because i knew in self honesty it was not cool, yet I did it anyway and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest with myself in seeing/realizing that the decision I was making, within self interest, to 'dump' Cristina was not cool and was not self honest, yet I did it anyway and so in a way, did not want to face it, did not want to actually be responsible for the decision I had made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, once deciding that I would 'dump' Cristina for the superior self definition I desired to have withing being friends with the two girls in my class, fear having to tell her, in fear of how she would react as I within self honesty can see who I would be in her shoes and thus within this decision as my self interest, fear having to face how she would react - not wanting to face myself as her as who I would be in such a moment and instead just want to get it over with as to move quickly through the decision I made to dump her so I could move on with my life, and forget about what I was actually doing as a way to suppress myself and my self honesty in not considering her as me - as an equal - as a human being that should be honored equally as valuable as how i perceived my precious ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the fear of having to actually physically tell Cristina I no longer wanted to be her friend, move within this starting point into/as desire to 'just get it over with' - because i did not want to face the reality of myself and what i was actually accepting and allowing, I just wanted to follow through within my self interest to 'get it over with' so that I could have new friends and a new definition of myself that I defined to be better than the one I placed on both Cristina and I and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgo the self honesty I saw within the decision that I was making, and allow fear and thus desire to instead move me through actually living out the decision of self interest I had made of 'dumping' Cristina for me own perceived personal gain, believing I was gaining more than what I was letting go of

When and as I see myself moving within fear and thus desire within a decision I make, I stop and I breathe and I assess who I am as the decision that I make and ask myself if it is best for all or whether it is self interest, as I see/realize/understand that to move within fear and thus desire to 'get over' with a decision I have made, that is a red flag for me to look and determine whether I am being self honest or not as I see that to rush through an action that I do not want to face out of fear reveals I am not clear within my decision and thus attempting to hide something from myself and so I commit myself to become self honest with myself in each moment I see I go into fear and then attempt to move into desire as 'getting it over with' - whatever decision I make, to ensure that I am moving within the starting point of self honesty as what is best for all and not attempting to hide or suppress the truth of myself as to why I am wanting to just get it over with

Thinking and believing I had 'no choice' in that I 'had' to dump Cristina so that those I saw superior to me would be my friend, and that is what I wanted

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had no choice in the decision that I made to 'dump' Cristina, thinking and believing that I 'had' to 'dump' her in order to make myself more, instead of realizing the abuse and limitation and lies I was inflicting on myself and on others, in defining myself as an idea in my mind of being less than others, and thus from here wanting to be more and so within this, validating the ego of self definitions that allow separation and inequality to exist - think and believe that this choice was clear, I had to 'make myself more'

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allowed myself to question myself in who I was accepting and allowing myself to be in the moment of deciding to 'dump' Cristina, and just accept that it was what i 'had' to do - instead of realizing that any thoughts or back chats does not actually exist as free will as they exist as the influencer of 'who I am' and thus I am not directive principle - I am not actually 'free' to make my choices, as I make up my mind about 'what is best' and what is of value, yet it always LIES within self interest and so I forgive myself that I did not accept and allowed myself to realize that the belief that I had 'no choice' in 'dumping' Cristina so that I could be 'friends' with the 'cool/superior' cools was actually revealing the truth - that i was not actually free in my choice, I was forcing myself to fall in line with the current acceptances of this world withing/as social structures - thinking and believe that I was inferior and thus had to become superior, instead of realizing this was all an illusion- my own creation and acceptance of what this world currently is where no equality and consideration for actual life substance exists, only ego as needing to be more than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ANY decision I make, whether within self interest or self honesty as what is best for all, is allways a choice I make as a deliberate statement of who I am and what I accept and allow within/as me and thus within/as this world and so I forgive myself that I have not yet taken absolute self responsibility for all choices I have made within/as this world, and within/as me that did not take into consideration the real value of/as life in/as this world but instead always chose to ignore what I was doing as a way to not have to take responsibility, although I now see/realize/understand that every moment I am making a choice of who I am and thus what I will accept and allow in this world and thus I commit myself to walk myself as my journey to life and my process of self transformation to becoming a being that actually care about myself and all life equally to within all ways make choices in this world that have the consequence/outcomes of what is best for ALL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my 'want' as thinking I 'wanted' to be friends with the two girls in my class, trusting that this 'want' was real in terms of self honest, instead of realizing it was within/as self interest - in wanting to deny the definition as being inferior to the two girls onto myself and Cristina and from this acceptance, then WANT to become more than my own creation/acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my wants are of substance, and trusting that whatever comes up in my mind as a 'want' should be lived out and accepted, instead of questioning and investigating where this 'want' is coming from, as how I decided upon this 'want' as being something I required in order to live, realizing that any want is within self interest as an illusion, as any want that is real within substance as what is valuable in this world is what is required of the physical body to be sustained in this life, and that is equal for all and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to value the real wants of this world and instead trust in the wants of illusion existing within my mind that wants only what is best for me and not taking into consideration what is best for all

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I have 'no choice' in that actions or decisions I make, I stop and I breathe and I investigate such a point within myself with writing and self forgiveness as I see/realize/understand that if I experience a 'no choice', then I am existing in back chats and thoughts within my mind, where no choice actually exists, because within my mind I am being told who I am, how to live, what to do and what not to do, and so I instead I investigate myself, in the experience of 'no choice' and bring myself back to the reality of actual free choice, where in each moment I breathe here, without the influence of my mind that i Have come to see and realize in brainwashed and paranoid - I instead breathe and move myself as my own directive principle, without the mind's authority of who I must be in this world and instead stand within my own directive to see and assess in common sense what is always best for all in allways

When and as I see myself participating in a want, in seeing thoughts that say, "I want this" or speaking the words "I want that" - I stop and I breathe and I investigate and check within self honesty who I am in such words, to see if I am being self honest or of self interest in my desire as a want - as I see/realize/understand that wants of value as what is real in this world are within the physical conditions for all within this world, and thus the wants that seek a 'positive feeling' or to make myself 'feel better' or more than others - is obviously self interest and only attempting to sustain a personality/idea/self definition of myself and so I instead push myself to provide myself with REAL wants such as healthy food and clean water and shelter and comfort and enjoy-ability and development as a human to it's utmost potential as the process that I walk, and also walk myself in this journey to give this to all others, as living the principle of giving as I would like to receive which would be the ability for ALL to live in/as this life with all wants provided for, the ability to actually live free

"Realize that You are Making a Choice in Every Single Moment that ANY Form of ANY Word as Thoughts, Word or Deed Moves = You have Made a Choice, and if That Choice Would Become a System that Harms, Simply so that You can Have the Freedom to 'Do whatever you want' that you can have 'the Freedom' to have a 'Happy Life' = that certainly is Psychologically a form of Mental Health Problem that Requires Attention. Give it the Attention it Needs, there is DIP Lite to Assist you and there are Many Journeys to Life to Assist you and there is YOUR CHOICE to Assist yourself. Make Sure you Exercise Your Choice to Become Something that Truly is Based on What's Best for All Life and to Not Just Protect Your Own Self Interest" - Bernard Poolman




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