So yesterday I wrote out a memory that I saw existing within me in relation to an experience/reaction I was having within myself. It was this fear of being, how I would defined being 'bullied' - that fear of another is 'messing' with me, is not being real with me, is joking/playing around with me at my expense - basically like thinking they are just fucking with me to get a laugh, like deliberately nasty in pretending to be 'cool' with me when they actually are not. So I saw a couple memories connected to this - where I had actually done this in my life and thus now fear it being done to me.
So yes, the first memory I wrote in yesterdays blog. The 2nd memory I will write out here.
This second memory was from when I was in High School, maybe 10th or 11th grade. I was friends with a girl, we will call M. She had dated a guy a couple years prior who was now dating another girl, we will call her N. N was a girl that I had been in school with since at least junior high. In junior high and maybe even before - we were 'fine' with each other, we got along, were acquaintances, friendly, but not very close. In high school we did not talk much. So like I said, N was now dating this guy that my current friend M use to date. For whatever reason this was enough reason for us to 'not like' her. I don't even know how this point came about, I mean I original never had a problem with N - but apparently, and had seen in some of my other friendship-relationships, I would become protective of them and attempt to 'stand up' and defend them or something - like I needed to be their protector and not let anyone fuck with them. This instance, I see it was more of an alliance thing, where I was 'taking sides' with my current friend M, in accepting maybe her jealousy towards N for being with her ex-boyfriend. This could also be an assumption - so will just look at the memory.
Anyways - this one day we were standing in the halls of my school. My school would have a monthly 'donut day' - where we would have some extra time in between classes and they would have donuts for all the students to enjoy. We were standing on the balcony of the 2nd floor and N came walking by us (me and M), or maybe she was standing near us. I am not sure what words were spoken in that moment or if M said anything to prompt me, but I threw my used napkin at N. Like out of no where and I recall giving her this 'dirty look' like showing her, "I don't like you - you are a loser" type of look. God, I even shutter at this memory, like who did I think was? And just a memory because like I wrote in my last blog, I have always experienced myself to be a 'kind/nice/caring' person, that would never deliberately try to harm anyone. Clearly my actions show otherwise.
Another moment I had with N at school was during classes. No one was in the halls and I was walking up the steps and I ran into her. I am pretty sure my friend M was there with me. I exchanged some words to her, like taunting her or something, I can't recall specifically what I spoke - but I do recall her saying, "why don't you just leave me alone."
That was the extent of the mean girl character I displayed with her. But seeing this, and after seeing the memory I had yesterday, it is clear why I would fear/think/believe that one would be deliberately nasty/making fun/fucking with me/bulling me - because this is who I have been - this is what I have lived and without awareness as what I was actually doing/what I actually was and no responsibility - I have created this point within myself of fear it happening to me.
I am shamed by these memories, that I actually had the audacity to act in such a way, and even that I could believe that I was actually this 'genuine/nice' being, when it is obvious in my actions I was not. yet that is the thing about who we are as individuals - we do not take into consideration how we live, our actions - what they actually reveal about ourselves, and obviously we do not investigate the inner self - as the mind, where we come up with all these nasty thoughts and judgments and ideas and opinions about others - we just go into these characters or personalities and live them out without question. Or even investigate ourselves in how we define ourselves or believe ourselves to be so 'nice/kind/genuine/caring' - when the physical living does not show this. The idea of myself was not real - who I was in physical reality, how I acted, what I spoke - that is the true nature of what I have accepted and allowed to be 'me'.
So within this, I can also see how I was 'feeling powerful'. Where when I would 'stand up' for my friend(s) in moments, like with N here - it was clearly not a 'standing up' for anyone, only playing ego games and attempting to project some kind of dominance unto her - and yes, see how within this I felt superior and powerful in how I was treating her - yet still fail to see actual reality because of self interest. Where I recall later hearing how N's mom was hearing about how I was treating her and 'had words for me'. So obviously I was creating some kind of conflict in her and that is not cool. Again - did I ever consider how that experience/interaction would effect her life? Or who she is or how she sees herself? I am not saying this like I have so much power to 'change people' - but we don't consider how we can/have influenced people throughout our lives in not really seeing them as a being, but only as another ego we must fight against or compete again or go to war with - or project ourselves as something better. It is really fucked if you ask me.
I will continue in tomorrow's blog with beginning to forgive myself for these moments in my life, where I did not stand equal to and one with another being, and instead allowed the self defined ego as 'needing something' or 'having power' to influence who I am with others and how I treat them - forgiving myself for not loving them as myself, forgiving myself for abusing them for myself.
It's interesting as well - because the only reason I am now looking at these memories is because I - me, myself, had this experience of fear of something happening to me that I have done to others - and so it's like wtf - I would not have on my own accord looked at these moments and considered what I did/who I was - so even in our process it's about self interest. Perhaps another consequence we must face as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become - and walk this process to ensure we never again accept and allow our self interest/self defined ego to determine what constitutes life and living as an interaction as who we are with/as all that is here.
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