The experience I was writing about was this point of fear - fear of someone making fun of me, laughing at my expense, not being 'real' with me in terms of they were fucking with me - basically pretending to be 'nice' or 'cool' with me but secretly they were making fun of me.
I have seen this point come up within me before - but this time I found the memories that were sustaining it. It was so clear - two distinct memories that allowed me to see and realize WHY I was experiencing this point within myself. I found them in asking myself ok, why would I experience this? Where in my life perhaps have I done this to someone or where in my past have I experienced this before. Basically just directing myself through my mind in looking for anything that 'came up' within me in relation to this. And yes, there they were - just waiting to be dealt with.
So I will write out the memories here and continue in blogs to come with the self forgiveness.
The 1st memory was from when I was in 4th grade. I had a friend, her name was also Cristina. I am sharing her name here because I am no longer friends with her and have no idea where she is in life and so am assuming that she will not read this, lol. Also I want to share because I see it as valid that we shared the same name, it was like a point we bonded over as creating the friendship and also what this memory revealed also is linked to why I have carried it with me and turned it into a fear, as I can see I identified myself as 'her' because of her name. Anyways - We got along and I remember it was still at the beginning of the school year. My family had just moved to Minneapolis from a slightly smaller city and so it was a new area and I had to make friends as I was no longer in school with the friends I had growing up. So Cristina was my friend and we got along nicely I recall, we had some other similarities as she and I had both taken dance classes growing up. So yes, we had some common interest, a common name and we were friends.
Then, there were two other girls that were in our class. They were how I defined 'cool'. Already I can see that I saw myself and Cristina as inferior to them and saw them as superior us. So this is the background information because the moment as the memory stored in my mind is what I can vividly see within me, not so much about my experience meeting Cristina and the time in between the memory. Ok - getting to the memory now...
I must have began interacting with the two 'superior/cool' girls in our class. They convinced me that I should no longer be friends with Cristina and that I should basically 'dump' her. I don't recall if I reacted to this, but I know that I wanted them to 'like me' and to 'accept me' and wanted to be their friends/hang out with them and so we devised this whole plan in how I was going to tell Cristina I was no longer going to be her friend/hang out with her. It was recess and we were all on the playground. Cristina was sitting at a lunch table, with me - it was just the two of us. The two girls were 'hiding out' in a bush next to this small type of building in the middle of the big school yard. They were like behind it but I knew where they were and I knew they were watching me - my back was to them. I remember Cristina did not believe me at first and I had to become more 'serious' and I raised my voice for her to 'get it' - so she would understand that I was serious, I was no longer going to be her friend.
I told Cristina I didn't want to be her friend anymore and I wasn't going to hang out with her anymore. I basically 'dumped' her as a friend. I don't recall her response or reaction in that moment - but fuck, when I opened up this memory for myself I can see EXACTLY who I would be in that moment if I were to stand in her shoes. So I told her and then I ran away from her, I ran to where the two girls were hiding out and waiting for me. They were laughing and I was in this experience of like adrenaline - like I couldn't believe I did that, like I couldn't believe I had the nerve to actually do that, because I recall now fear in the moment of having to tell her - almost like I had no choice - this is what I had to do in order for the two 'superior/cool' girls to like me/hang out with me and I wanted that. I wanted to be 'cool' and friend with them because I defined them as better then me and I wanted to be better then how I defined myself.
So I ran to them, they were laughing and I was like shaking with adrenaline and glad that moment was over. Cristina and I were no longer friends after that, I don't even know if we spoke. She actually went to school with a friend of mine, and so I 'ran into' her again, like maybe 4 or 5 years later. I remember there was anger/hate between us. I know that I didn't 'dump' Cristina because I 'hated' her, I did it purely out of my own self interest - to make myself better by who I associated myself with. But I definitely recall anger between us when we saw each other again.
Yes - so that is the first memory I saw when investigating this experience I had, of fearing/thinking/believing that someone was making fun of me, of using me/fucking with me just to get a laugh, or like deliberately deceiving me, like not being 'real' with me. And this is how I would define being a victim of a bully - a bully being one that is deliberately nasty to another - laughing at them at their expense. I can clearly see that that is 'who I was' in relation to this moment with Cristina. I did not at all consider her, her feelings or what kind of experience/self definition that would have created within her - like looking at this memory still with me now, playing a role/influencing me in my experience of myself because it's like what I did to her, I fear is or will be done to me. So like I have this memory here as me and this is how it is effecting my life - what about Cristina now? How did that memory mold her into how she experiences herself today? Like - what the fuck, I did not consider the consequences of my actions, of my self interest, of my lack of caring about another human being - I was just so wanting to no longer feel inferior and so did whatever I could to 'survive' - as thinking I 'needed' to be friends with others that I defined as superior. So this is quite fucked up and when I saw this last night I was ashamed because although I recall this memory from time to time - I NEVER considered myself to be a bully. But clearly I was. I did harm to another being and that is something that I cannot take back. So I must forgive myself for this lack of care, lack of compassion, for not standing in her shoes and asking myself, 'would I have this done unto me'?
There is another memory connected to this point, but I will share that tomorrow and then begin the process of forgiveness - in forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to value more the self definition of myself - which is NOT REAL, then another human being, that is real, that is of substance, that is me in fact as an equal.
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