25 May 2013

183: The Bully Character in all it's Dimensions: Memory #1

Ok so I am continuing from the previous two blogs, The Birth of a Bully Part 1 & 2, in identifying this 'bully character' from memories that I found in investigating myself as this experience I've had throughout my life of fear of others 'bullying' me.

What I will do here is take the first memory, from the first blog I wrote in this series, and lay out all the mind-dimension that are present in the memory - as a guideline for myself as I walk through the memory, placing myself as 'who I am/was' in that moment as the memory, in order to release it from myself, with self forgiveness and self corrective statements/application, in no longer being influenced by 'who I was' in my past, and instead be here, free, without memories directing me within who I am now - or what I will no longer accept and allow myself to be.

Looking at the first memory, this is what I find:

Bonding with my friend because we 'share' the same name - defining that as something 'special'

Defining my friendship with Cristina as 'special' because of our common interests of dance

Defining two 'other' girls in my class as 'cool'

Defining me and Cristina as inferior to the two other girls in our class

Defining the 'cool' girls as superior to me and Cristina

Allowing myself to be influenced by the girls I defined as 'superior' to me in order for them to like me and accept me and so that I could hang out with them/be friends with them

Wanting to be 'cool' as how I defined the two girls in my class

Wanting to experience something better then what I defined/accepted of myself - so experienced myself as inferior to the two girls and so within this, wanted to experience the polarity, as being 'equal' to their superiority in which I defined I would find in 'being their friend'

Deciding to 'dump' my friend Cristina out of fear of not being 'cool' and thus desiring to be 'cool'

Fear for having to tell Cristina I would no longer be her friend and thus desiring to 'get it over with' so that I could move on with my 'new' friends

Thinking and believing I had 'no choice' in that I 'had' to dump Cristina so that those I saw superior to me would be my friend, and that is what I wanted

Raising the tone of my voice because Cristina did not believe me - so raising my voice as 'getting more serious' so that she will understand that I will no longer be her friend

Ran away from her after it was done, like trying to 'get away' from the whole thing and what I had just done - a form of suppression

Adrenaline/shaking in my physical after running away from her - in seeing what I had just done, a lot of energy as the fear rushed through my body for actually doing something I thought I could never do - that I 'faced' her in that moment

Relaxing/calming when I reach the girls as they were laughing and so within this saw the 'approval' as now I can be their friend

*This is not in the memory/written out, but as I write here, I see there was sadness within me for what I had just done, that I could do that to another being, that I could do that to my friend, and ultimately I knew it was dishonest, but my fear of not being accepted and thus desiring to be accepted was stronger then my concern for her and so I suppressed the sadness

Relief the moment was over

"Dumping" Cristina for my own self interest

Years later - seeing anger between us

Being a bully/bullying Cristina

Ashamed that I did this to Cristina

Fear what I did to Cristina will happen to Me

Not considering the consequences I created in my actions toward Cristina, not standing in her shoes, considering how she would experience/define herself after this moment with her

Not caring about Cristina in that moment or how 'who I am' would affect her

Thinking I 'needed to survive' as 'dumping' Cristina to be able to hang out with the 'cool/superior' girls

Reacting to seeing this memory, in seeing 'who I would be' if I were to stand in her shoes in that moment as the memory - feeling ashamed

Cool - so this is what I found in looking back at the first blog in this point and so as I continue, I will take each point laid out here and apply self forgiveness as taking responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and from this moment, as the seed in which I planted as myself - what grew from it, a rotten experience/acceptance of self.

To be continued...

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