29 May 2012

Day 31: Pattern of Fear and Resentment Play-Out at Work part 2

Here I am walking myself through self forgiveness of the situation I laid out in writing yesterday, so read for context.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘standing up’ for myself as myself when in positions of authority and responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acting in ways that are best for all such as being responsible and accountable for positions of leadership, wherein I have been given authority to be a leader and set an example, and fall short within fearing how others will see me and fear them judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good with being an authorative figure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good at standing up for myself within positions of responsibility and leadership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect authority and leadership with fear thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself within the limited self definition of being scared of being an authoritive figure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself within the limited self definition of ‘not good at standing up’ within positions of authority and leadership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority and leadership and thus fear myself being within these positions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to others within my peer group as being authoritive and leaders and define them as egotistical and assume they are taking advantage of their positions and then fear them reacting to me the same way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume to know the experience of another when in a position of authority and leadership, instead of simply taking responsibility for myself and my experience within authority and leadership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others within positions of leadership and authority defining them as being superior and then judge them for it – as if my assumptions of their experience is real instead of realizing it is a projection of myself within defining myself as being superior when in positions of authority and leadership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to others when at work and being in a position of leadership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to others at work within a position of authority and leadership

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to live the realization that leadership and authority simply means, “living as an example” and thus no better or worse then anyone, simply giving direction to live and work in the most directive and productive way possible which is what would be best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibility of being a leader and authority figure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others reacting to me as being a leader or in an authority figure at work the same way I have reacted to them, with back chat and judgments within assumptions of how they experience themselves within that position

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own back chat and experience of myself towards others who are in a position of authority and leadership

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see all as my equal and thus stop all judgments of those in a position to be examples, and to stop my fear of being in a position to be an example, as I realize ones that are in those positions are responsible for setting the example, thus living and working within the principles of ‘what is best for all’ require to be the guidelines and thus no judgments should be existent


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the past while at work within the memories of how past shifts has play out and thus bring the same experience to the present work shift, allowing it to influence and direct me within needing to control the outcome of others doing their responsibilities, instead of simply letting go of the past memories of work, and being here with breath where I am then able to direct myself within my position of leadership to be the example and thus give effective direction to others I work with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the same experience during work that I have had in the past wherein I do all the responsibilities because I do not effectively communicate with my co workers in getting them to stay with their responsibilities and thus speak to them during the present out of fear of the past and an attempt to control my experience, based on the past experience and fear of it repeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control the experience of myself at work through communicating to my co workers out of fear, instead of allowing myself to simply be directive with myself and others in holding others accountable as I held myself accountable within this responsibilities to ensure all are taking responsibilities for their job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict and reactions form my co workers if I would to be directive with them in holding them accountable for their responsibilities at work – instead of realizing it is my responsibility to do so, and so as I hold myself accountable – I hold others accountable as well and thus we are equal within our responsibilities to ensure a smooth work experience for all – as this is what is best for all – all individuals working together within doing their part to create a work environment that is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my not being directive with myself and my responsibility at work onto others through judging them for not being responsible for their jobs – instead of taking responsibility for myself and the position I was in as being a leader and to direct myself and communicate effectively with them in keeping them accountable for their responsibilities at work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my fear of holding myself and others accountable within our responsibilities at work through ‘just doing it myself’ wherein I then allow back chat to accumulate to the point where I then resent them for not doing their work – yet I gave myself no solution in standing up within myself as the position of my responsibility to hold others accountable for the same thing thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent myself for not being directing within myself as standing up within my responsibility to hold others accountable for their responsibilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my experience of fear of holding others accountable with their responsibilities at work through saying to myself that “if I have time to tell them, I can do it myself” instead of realizing within this I am simply running away from the accepted fear I have in holding others accountable as being responsible within a leadership position

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a leader

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being responsible as a leader

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of being directive with myself as holding others accountable to instead allow fear to direct my through justifications that I can just do the work myself yet seeing in the end I am not being an example, I am allowing fear to direct me and then end up resenting myself and others for not doing what I see is best for all – being responsible within my position as a leader and thus holding myself and others accountable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the back chat of “why is it so hard to just do the one thing you are responsible for” – instead of seeing and realizing this was me saying to me , “why can’t you just do the one thing you are responsible for” within holding others accountable for their responsibilities, instead of allowing fear of conflict and others ideas about me to direct me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the back chat of “why are they so lazy” – instead of stopping the self talk as hate and judgment towards others and myself and simply direct myself within my responsibility and thus communicate with others in holding them accountable for their responsibility as I would then be equal in holding myself accountable within my responsibility within the group

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the back chat of “why can’t thye be more directive in their job” instead of stopping my projections of myself onto others – realizing I was not being directive within myself in the responsibilities I had at work as holding others accountable within their responsibilities at work so that all benefit from the group effort making work ‘work well’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the back chat of “people talk too much to each other instead of doing their work” instead of stopping these judgments within my secret mind where I can hide my fear and blame others for what they do instead of taking responsibility for myself within directing myself to get the job done and not allow back chat as judgments to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow back chat projected towards others within and as me – Instead of stopping myself in the moment I became aware of the back chat – not allowing it as I realize it is self abuse and abuse of life as I am then separating myself from myself and others through not taking responsibility for myself and the experience of myself and instead putting it on others through blame. I do not accept this of myself – this stops here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my ego as the mind as self talk to direct me within myself and my world/reality – instead of breathing – living here within directing myself to stop the fear of others and being in a position of leadership and simply moving and directing myself and all to be accountable within their responsibilities – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my ego to get in the way of me standing up within myself and in my world

When and as I see myself fearing to hold myself accountable within the position of work as being a ‘leader’ = I stop and I breathe and I direct myself through the fear of how others will see me and simply communicate as this is what is necessary to be done and so stop making it personal and allowing the ego to direct me and directing myself within holding myself accountable for my responsibility at work as holding others accountable for their responsibilities at work

When and as I see myself participating in back chat of blame and projections onto others within my mind – I stop and I breathe and I DO NOT accept this of myself as I realize within these moments I am not being responsible for myself and instead blaming others – so I breathe and bring myself back within self responsibility as self honesty to direct myself within myself to do what is necessary to be done

When and as I see myself attempting to control a situation based on a past experience and fear of it repeating – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within the awareness of ‘what is here’ as the moment to then be able to see and direct myself and my world effectively – not allowing back chat or fear to direct me – but me directing ME here

When and as I see myself justifying and thus accepting the fear I experience within being ‘a leader’ at work through holding myself and others accountable within the responsibilities of the work shift – I stop and I breathe and I do NOT allow this to direct me – I direct me as the breathe here – without ideas or projections or assumptions – allowing nothing to direct or influence me but me in the moment as breathe as this is the most effective way to live/work/express/get shit done!

I commit myself to hold myself accountable as being self responsible to stop the fear I have created within myself through ideas in my mind about others and myself

I commit myself to push myself to be more directive withi myself within standing up as what is ‘right’= what is necessary to be done and thus what Is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the limitation of the definition that I am too afraid to stand up and speak up

I commit myself to communicate directly and effectively – not making anything personal, simply living as the directive principle to live in ways that are most effective and best for all

I commit myself to live as an example that is best for all