27 May 2012

Day 30 - Pattern of Fear and Resentment Play-out at Work Part 1

Tonight at work – I saw an experience of fear, justification and resentment play out.

I was on a closing section – and so my responsibilities are to make sure everyone else is responsible for their specific responsibility during the work shift. Yet – I have always had difficulty ‘standing up’ and speaking up about these points – as authority has never been my ‘thing’. I fear people judging me for attempting to assert my position of authority – because that is what I do to others – judge them or have back chat about them for attempting to be an ‘authority figure’. Not always – but I have and can see why I fear people doing this to me – because I’ve done it.

Usually when I get to work – I start doing what needs to be done to cover everyone, and myself so that we have everything we need. “setting up for success” as we call it in our business. While doing this – I saw the list was up already for who was responsible for what during the shift. I mentioned to a couple of people, “do you know what you are responsible for tonight” – but did not say it to all – and I was saying this because I have found in the past, people are not direct with these responsibilities, and when I see they need to be done – I do it. Yet, I don’t say anything, and end up resenting them for not doing it. So tonight – based on this, attempted to take ‘control’ with asking some if they were aware of their responsibilities. Within this – I experienced fear – fear of how they would react, fear of them judging me for asking… like I’m not suppose to, fear of them thinking I am on a ‘power trip’. Why not simply let it be what it is – me taking responsibility for my responsibility – ensuring all are taking responsibility for their responsibility…. Instead I had all sorts of ideas about myself within this position and others within their position and allowed extensive back chat to direct me.

So during the shift – I noticed things here and there that could be done… as they were not being done. So – I have 2 choices in these moments, I can either do it myself, or let the person responsible for that specific task know that it requires to be done. I usually end up doing myself with the justification that “If I have time to tell them – I can do it myself” Yet what ends up happening… I do this the whole shift. And the others then are not being held accountable for what they are responsible for. And this creates a pattern of no one taking responsibility, no one is being held accountable, and I go into resentments and back chats about judgments in regard to ‘why can’t they just do the one thing they are responsible for’.

After doing some of the responsibilities myself – I considered, as a way to not have to face what I was experiencing as being an authority/leader figure – I said to myself, “I will ask them if they can do it or if they need me to do it.” – Yet I still didn’t do this… I ended up doing it myself.

By the end of the night, after a night of back chat such as “Why is it so hard to just do the one thing you are responsible for?” “why are they so lazy” “why can’t they be more directive in their job” “people talk to much to each other instead of doing their work” – lol, it’s funny to see these back chats, as I realize this are all projections – projections of myself for not being DIRECTIVE within MY responsibility… to simply hold others accountable for their responsibilities. Instead, I went into blaming ‘them’ for what ‘they’ are doing or not doing, instead taking self responsibility for what I was allowing. Fear and worry to direct me instead of me directing myself to be directive with others and stop making/taking things personally. It’s not personal when I say, “Hey – can you do your responsibility? It requires to be done”. It’s that simply, no need to make it more then what it is.

So I have the situation laid out here in writing, tomorrow I will take it on with self forgiveness and self corrective application – to give myself the solution to stop living in fear and become directive within myself and my world and with others. To BE the change. Thanks.