31 May 2012

Day 33- Back Chats about School

Class started 2 days ago – and I am already feeling ‘overwhlemed’ and it was based in thoughts of fear “what if this semester is not as smooth sailing as the last one?” “what if I don’t do as well this semester?” “how am I going to keep up with all my responsibilities and school work” “summer semester is more intense, can I handle this?” and then from here – fear and anxiety that ‘I will not make it’ and fear of it not going well. Anxiety and nervousness about not doing well this semester – and it’s only 2 days into to the semester.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not doing well in my summer semester of school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing back chat to influence and direct the experience of myself where I accept the experience of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed after only 2 days of the summer semester based on ideas and back chat that define the semester as ‘more intense’ and thus then fear my ability to ‘keep up’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within school and not being able to keep up within the summer semester, before the semester has even really began

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my back chat of fear that this semester will be hard and I will not do as well and then from this accept the experience of fear and aniety within doing my work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not being able to handel the summer semester of school and all my other responsibilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to fit a picture of perfection within my mind where I have no difficulties within my school work – where I believe everything will come easy to me, and I will produce the work easily and I will sail through the semester getting only A’s – instead of being practical within myself realizing I am in school to learn, realizing there is much I have not allowed myself to learn and thus school will be a challenge and not all of it will come easy to me, thus I realize it takes self direction and self will and self motivation and self discipline to get the work done and not to be afraid to ask if I don’t understand

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an easy experience within school within the fear to be challenged

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire instant gratification as the satisfaction within my mind of having it ‘easy’ in school thus feeding my ego as being better than others where I can define myself as this great student

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and who I am based on me being in school and thus desire ‘good grades’ and an ‘easy time’ within school to define myself as being something great

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that school is practical in that I realize I must stand equal to what is here in order to be effective within this world, realizing only through the current systems in place will I be able to stand up within/as equal to in order to implement real change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not capable of being an effective student and thus allow fear to direct my experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to quit in the midst of the allowance of self judgment of not being able to effectively complete my requirements within school – I realize I am able to as I have done it before and thus I allow myself to stop all back chats of self judgments and move myself with every breath to effectively live and participate in my world – including school –taking it one point at a time like one breath as a time until I accumulate my completion of school

I commit myself to stopping all back chats of self doubt and self judgment and trust myself to move myself directly in order to do what is necessary to be done within school and to complete it with the effectiveness I know I am capable of

I commit myself to stop using school as a way to boost my ego and self definition of who I am as I realize school does not define who I am – who I am is defined within every moment and thus if I am allow the ego of the mind to influence and direct me and tell me who I am - then I know I am not life – I am in separation of myself as life and thus commit myself to stop this in each moment

I commit myself to realize and remind myself every moment why I am in school – to bring about effective and real change within this world realizing we will do it through the systems already in place – all it takes is for individuals such as myself standing within the principle of what is best for all to stand within the systems to bring about this principle to all forms of all systems so that we then produce a change practically for every form of life on earth – this is why I am here