20 May 2013

178: The Hidden Truth of Inferiority

I am continuing here from Day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance and yesterday's blog, 177: Who Defines Me as Acceptable or Not?

What I have been seeing is the self abuse I inflict on myself in seeing myself as inferior to another being - in how I go into self judgments and worry and doubting myself because of how I see/define another being as superior to me. So I want to just go into self forgiveness for the experience I had that opened these points up and see what else is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being in seeing them as superior to me and within this define myself as inferior to them and through this acceptance of seeing/perceiving - allow myself to go into fear when communicating with this being - wherein I will judge myself as not good enough and not smart enough and not worthy enough and so within this go into fear of doing something 'wrong' in it not being what I am suppose to do in order for this being to like me and so within this, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define another being as superior to me as in having the say of 'who I am' in a moment, wherein I will trust the perceived polarity of superiority/inferiority to be 'the way it is' and thus accept myself to exist within fear as judgments of myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself in the polarity relationship I have created towards another as being superior to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in the moment of communicating with another I define to be superior to be - doubt that I am saying the 'right thing' or expressing the 'right way' to within it, attempt to fulfill my self interest of them 'liking me'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place the power and authority into another being to define whether I am acceptable or not - within thinking and believing that how they perceive me is more important that how I perceive myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to trust another's perception of me instead of how I see myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the responsibility to stand as self trust within accepting myself in every moment - when and as I see myself allowing another to be superior to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within standing as inferior to another being in seeing them as 'more then me', and not at all considering equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another as superior to me because of they way they express themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask myself as who I actually am in this point of being inferior to another - wherein I think and believe I am a victim because I am placing myself as inferior and then will go into all sorts of reactions and comparisons instead of realizing that what I am ACTUALLY doing is attempting to manipulate myself and another to be that which they will like, so that I get a feeling that will reward me in defining myself as 'ok' - instead of realizing this is a deliberate act of self dishonesty in where I do not take responsibility for who I am in each moment in not allowing myself to play the polarity game as seeing another as more then me, as I have come to see and realizing that it is NOT real, that I am equal to all beings in that we all exist currently as a mind of self definition and it's only through our ACCEPTANCE that we do not see/realize/stand within/as equality and oneness and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play the part of being a 'doubtful being' wherein I will deliberately doubt myself in attempting to get what I want - fuck that is like so abusive and dishonest

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within the experience that I ALLOW as inferiority to another being

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I am inferior to another being, then my experience is valid in terms of accepting that I am a victim to another's superiority - instead of realizing I AM creating it ALL within my mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within polarity as my mind wherein I will see separation between beings as some being more or less then me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to change myself according to who I am with or communicating with - in realizing that to change who I am is always a deliberate decision of what i am allowing, as when I allow inferiority, I think and believe that I am a victim to the experience and in a way judge the other as being responsible for what I am experiencing - instead of realizing that it is me and what I am doing is quite abusive as I am attempting and trying to manipulate for an expectation - where I expect a being to give me specific feedback that 'makes me feel better' instead of realizing that I DO NOT require that, I can simple be here without the need of another's feedback, without the dependency, without the self interest - as I see it is just a game I play, as I am not actually inferior, it's make believe - believing that I am

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the doubt I experience when communicating to another that I have defined as superior to be

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the fear I experience when communicating with another that I defined as superior to me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to trust the need for acceptance I experience when communicating with another that I defined as superior to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the definition I have giving to another as being superior to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use others within my world/reality for my accepted belief that I need them to accept me or like me - instead of me accepting me and me liking me so that I do NOT expect that from others, as in doing so I see/realize/understand that I am then only using another for self interest, to give ME what I want, that which I believe is not me or see it is me but not living it as who I am and so again, see it is a deliberate decision in what I accept and allow

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I see myself as inferior to another, then I am allowed to have experiences of doubt and worry about myself, instead of investigating what the hell I am allowing as I see it is all ego - defining myself and another within my mind and separating myself from the REAL reality of two physical beings communicating within the substance of reality that is equal for/as all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a way to use another to validate me and accept me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a way to present myself in a way that I think another will like and accept me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use another for that which I have not giving to myself and in this way, saying that I cannot or that I wont and so thus seeing that it is a deliberate act of not changing

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not stand self responsibility in moments of communication with another wherein I will allow the separation as the definition of superiority/inferiority to exist within my mind and thus allow it to influence who I am in the moment of speaking/sharing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason that I have not accepted and trusted myself as 'who I am' in communication with others is because I have NOT lived/existed in ways that are acceptable or trustworthy - as I see I have always existed within self interest alone, wherein I do/live/act in ways to fill my need of feedback that feeds my ego of being validated and accepted and worthy and so within this, proving that I cannot trust myself as I have manipulated and abused others for my own personal gain, wherein I think I am gaining something by being a certain way with others, or a specific being, such as acceptance so I can clearly see why I do not trust/accept myself because I have yet to live in ways that are acceptable and trustworthy and so I commit myself to releasing myself from the self interest as the ego of my mind that plays games to get what I think I want, such as validation and acceptance - I commit myself to walk my journey to life and the process of self honesty as self change as writing myself out, facing the self interest nature of myself as the mind, forgive myself for what I am accepting and allowing and provide myself support in which I will live to actually change, as correcting myself in the moments of no longer allowing separation as inferiority superiority and instead equalize myself with all that is here - not allowing myself to be influenced by the self interest of "how can I get what I WANT" and instead live in ways in which I can eventually give as I would like to receive - realizing that to take and take and take is selfish and that is who I am within my mind and so I commit myself to give myself back the responsibility to become acceptable and trustworthy in life - in no longer accepting and allowing myself to play games with myself as deliberately choosing to not change, to abuse and to exist in ways that only consider myself and not what is best for all - I commit myself to become worthy of/as/for life


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