16 May 2013

175: The Implication of Needing Assurance

In this last year, I saw myself coming to a point where I was accepting myself as who I am. Meaning - I have not been wearing make up for quite some time, or if I have it has been very minimal and very rare, which is cool because I once placed much value on the way that I looked with make-up and even, can you believe it, defined myself as 'needing' to wear make-up - hmmm, I wonder where I got that idea? Anyways, I really started challenging myself in terms of what I had accepted of myself and through these acceptances, how I defined myself. So I stopped wearing make-up to embrace myself 'naturally'. It has been a cool process and I can honestly say I don't 'need' it, I don't really miss it and that is very cool considering how much I once enslaved myself to make-up. The point ultimately was to find out who I am without it, if I can actually care about myself without it, if I can actually embrace myself without it, realizing that the use of it was self interest only as needing other's approval of me and also depending on that approval to be ok with myself.

I saw this point of starting to stand up straighter, keeping my focus on my here, breathing - stopping the eternal search in the mind of thoughts to generate positive feelings, stopping the memories that trapped me in the past, and stopping the imaginations and future projections that created hope. I was starting to embrace myself as breath, finding real acceptance with myself here, alone, pushing myself to live daily in a way that I see is best for all and myself, so really enjoying being with myself, walking through my days without the 'need' of some other person or situation to feel ok. It is very cool to be able to be anywhere, with or without someone and say I am ok with myself. I can be alone. I can be with people, it does not change me in where I am or with whom I'm with, I am always here.

And within this - I 'thought' I started seeing self confidence, An assurance within myself that I had never experienced - where I was willing to assert myself as who I am as self acceptance, trust myself in what I speak or share, willing myself to communicate with others in confidence and without fear of how others will see or perceive me. And so I 'thought' I was actually standing within self trust as self confidence, confident in who I am and the principles in which I live by and the perspective I have to share. This was a point that I saw to be grateful for, as I can see throughout my life how much I created a dependency on others to tell me how I should feel about myself - if I did not have their approval or acceptance, then I did not accept myself. I placed the power outside and separate from me here.

Yet what I am now seeing is that this idea of myself as confidence or trusting myself or accepting myself was exposed to not be standing on stable ground - as yesterday I saw and in general I have been seeing this point of self doubt. Doubting myself in communication and in relation to another. It's like the power I had to be sure of who I am and what I share has completely diminished and in this I see that it's because I have valued another more than myself. I have seen another to be 'better' then me, and have a 'better' perspective, and somehow this being is superior to me. And so through this comparison, I have accepted myself to be inFEARior in thinking and believing that what I see/share - or who I am is not good enough or worthy enough and this is where the fear come in as the doubt I experience as myself when in communication.

It's like all of a sudden I am faced with another being that reveals to me that the acceptance and trust and assurance and confidence that I thought I was standing within/as was not actually real, because if it were to be real - I would have not changed. I would not have been moved. I would not have questioned myself in fear of being wrong when speaking to this other being - instead I would be silent and here and directing as what I see is best.

So there is a few points I see here within this experience that exposes that I must still ground myself within the stance of who I am as trust, confidence, acceptance and assurance. Yet - even here the assurance, I see it is like "assuring myself that I am ok" - so ah, revealing that I don't actually accept or trust myself as I have to assure myself that I am ok - when if I were standing for real, as who I am as a living expression of self trust and self acceptance, then I would not require assurance, from myself or anyone else, obviously.

Also within this I see that because of the separation and the not standing as these points within/as myself - I seek for another to be/give these to me. In that, the doubt I experience is actually the experience of this being NOT giving to me what I think they must, that which I have not given/gifted to myself. And so even within this I see that what I am wanting from another is the assurance that I can trust myself, that I can accept myself and that I don't have to doubt myself - wanting them to tell me these things, depending on them to DO this for me. WTF. So this is not cool as obviously now I have accepted myself as a slave to them in essence, as I am saying that I cannot be these things on my own, I need you to do this/tell me this and then I will believe it.

So see here I must be willing to do it/give it/live it/be it for/as myself because obviously I cannot receive it from another. Because even if another were to give it to me, I would then constantly require that points to be giving to me and thus always subject and ultimately limited in that other being being able to provide me these things that I so clearly see can only be giving by/to my-SELF. And so this is where then fear is created, fear this being WON'T be this for me, give this to me and thus I will always be without it, as they will not see it within me. So quite a fuck up, as then I am waiting for this other being to give me that which I believe I don't have, and that is only existent within 'them' - yet it can be corrected. I can ground myself in stability as self trust and self acceptance and I do NOT have to limit myself to another as being something/someone that is a source of my self acceptance and self trust, which will obviously then flow out to be self confidence, as I will then be confident in my standing of who I am as self trust and self acceptance.

Cool - will continue this investigation with blogs to follow...


Featured Artwork By: Rozelle de Lange

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