19 May 2013

177: Who Defines Me as Acceptable or Not?

Ok, so going back to day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance, I basically opened up this point of self doubt that I was seeing within myself in moments of communication with another being.

What is interesting about this point, is that I have been walking for majority if the last year or maybe 8 months, with this 'standing' of 'self confidence' in where I actually would surprise myself in how I saw a change within myself, like for instance being at school and communicating with other students. I was comfortable with myself, i was comfortable being with them, I was open and I was directive and I was willing to 'be with them' in the moment as just 'being here', breathing, communication and actually enjoying myself. I saw this as well in my interactions with my family - where I was not so moved by reactions, but simply here, directing myself in each moment, sharing with them, interacting with them, communicating with them, opening up with them and actually enjoying being with them.

The 'surprise' of these moments comes because throughout my life I never really enjoyed being with people, or enjoyed the experience with myself when with other people because if I were with people, there was always this fear lingering in the back ground, like a self judgment or a worry about 'who I am' and not being good enough, or not interacting in the 'right way' and thus would always be 'cautious' of myself as forcing myself to be a specific way as in suppressing my expression as simply just being in the moment. And so for this last year, seeing myself being able to let go and simply interact without worry, and actually seeing myself assert myself in communication, directing conversation, being willing to share was very cool. And I was grateful for this, and I can see how it's been developed through the process/journey I have been walking in apply tools that are based within principles - where I simply be here, do what is necessary in each moment for myself to create a stable life that I can walk, and enjoy myself in these moments I have throughout my days- with everyone or no one, the point being self acceptance, self comfort, being able to enjoy myself within all situations or environments.

So now why this point has been opened, is because this experience I saw within myself of being comfortable, confident and trusting myself as the moment of interacting/communicating with others - was challenged, it was shaken up and I lost my grounding within these points. So while I might have 'thought' that it was not a 'real standing' as who I am as self trust and self acceptance which lead to self confidence, I can see it is simply support for me to specify myself within my stance. To ask myself, ok - what has changed? Why do I think I have lost this point - what triggered the doubt?

It was in the face of a relationship with a nature that is somewhat different then other relationships within my life. This is where I went into doubting myself in moments of communication and I see within it is because, as I mentioned in the previous blog where I opened this up in, I define this being as superior to me. So then I must ask myself - the comfort-ability I saw within myself with my family and schoolmates - was that because I felt superior? And now when faced with being inferior - I have changed? So that is interesting and another dimension I must investigate, as I can see that perhaps the reason I 'felt' confident is because I saw/experienced myself as superior and thus 'felt' as if I could be more assertive, and directive with myself. But I do see, in self honesty, that majority of this confidence and comfort-ability I felt/experienced with others, was within simply being here as myself and willing myself to enjoy being with others, meaning - actually being 'here' in/as the moment as my phsyical reality - stopping the mental reality where I separate myself from my reality and all those around me and actually BEING HERE - that is how/why I was able to enjoy myself, because I was stopping the internal mind chatter that judged everything I said or did.

So that is cool to see. And thus brings me back to this point of the specific being/relationship that is what is triggering this inferiority within myself in which I then go into doubting myself. So back to the point - I define this being as superior to me, as knowing more then me, and being more 'aware' then me, basically I see this being as simply being better then me and so standing 'in relation' to this person, I experience myself in all ways diminished. And this is NOT cool because obviously this being is my equal and support in revealing to me points within myself that i have not stood equal as one with.

So instead of judging myself as being inferior, and less knowledgeable and less smart and all things negative which actually is within the fear of this being not LIKING me - ah, ok so that is the point - fear of not being liked by this being - why not see the gift here in now being able to bring these points back to myself - realizing that I am the one not 'liking me' - as I am the one judging me. And direct myself to getting to a point/stance within myself in communication with this being where I am 'here', comfortable with who I am, where I am in my own process and allow myself to enjoy myself as my own expression, my own perspective, my own understanding, my own being and thus be able to actually enjoy the communication - instead of suppressing myself and forcing myself into a submissive role where I do not want to say something inFEAR that it is 'wrong' or 'not cool' or that this being will judge me, because obviously I have judged myself. And as I do to myself, I expect others to do to me - and in some extreme cases throughout my life and even in relationships as a whole in this world, we can see that what we do to ourselves, we will allow others to do to us, and thus accept such fucked up relationship, interactions, dependencies and all around relationships that do not support anyone within it.

And so must take responsibility, now for myself, in limiting myself as placing myself as inferior to this being, to define myself as either 'ok or not' in how another sees/perceives me - to see where I define them as 'more then me' and gift myself with the ability to stand as their equal - standing up within this fear of not being good enough and instead assert myself as simply here, without judgments - without doubt - without fear. Fuck - actually LIVING. Stop myself from giving another the power to define who I am and whether I am acceptable or not.

Will continue this in blogs to come...


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