07 April 2013

137- Learning how to Love My-Self before I can Love my Neighbor

And so I continue from where I left off:
Day 132 - Fear put my in my place
Day 133 - Humbled by seeing and shamed by my blame - bringing the fear back to myself.
Day 134 - The Anger I fear in Another is the Anger within Myself
Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself
Day 136 - Deceptive Denial of the Change Required

Getting straight into it:
-fearing that I was not/can not love my neighbor as myself in how I was seeing myself expressing so aggressively towards others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing within myself the part I was playing as expressing myself aggressively towards others through various channels of communication online, become ashamed within seeing that I was not standing as what is best for all, and instead within blame and anger projected towards other and not taking responsibility for this existing within me as the relationship with my-self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to fear within seeing that I was not expressing in equal consideration with others in the past few years since walking with desteni; instead have always existed within a defense mode as needing to attack before being attacked and so within seeing this, fear I could not change this, as I could clearly see that I was in extreme blame towards another and how this was the very act of separation in not loving my neighbor as myself, and instead blaming my neighbor for not seeing/hearing/understanding what I shared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself as how I saw who I was within communication/interaction with others and so within this react to myself within fear that I would not be able to stop this character of myself that goes into war whenever anyone communicated with my online about desteni and equal money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because I have not allowed myself to live/be/express/communicate in ways that are best for all as standing in the shoes of another and seeing/realizing the equality that is here as life, that I will never be able to as if my nature can never be changed, instead of realizing that I have already changed parts of myself while walking this process and so I know it's possible, and I know what is required to make it real, I simple just breathe and live the tools and principles and knowledge I have acquired in correcting myself in each moment I am able, and so realizing that to react to myself for not standing up for what is best in each moment, simply flag such points of investigation and walk the process, as I am here, of self forgiveness and self correcting, in supporting myself as giving myself the ways in which i will change myself in similar moments that arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I fuck up in one moment, than I am forever bound by that one moment, instead of realizing that I am the one bounding myself to myself as a moment through creating another relationship dimension to it as seeing it 'more than me' or attached with feelings and emotions where I give it power to consume and control me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will instantly change in a moment with all points I am currently facing within myself and within my world, instead of realizing that some have taken years to be created, while others do not have such an intensity or addictive attachment and so I change in the moments I see I am able, and use writing and self forgiveness and self corrective statements to support myself in creating the change for these other moments wherein I believe I have no control over myself or my thoughts or my behavior, within realizing that as an addict it takes self will and determination to constantly say no, no, no I will not go there, I will remain here, directive of/as myself in this moment as I breathe in and out and no longer allow the energy influence I have created through/as the mind to direct me to change who I am, I remain who I am for real, which is constant and here as the breath of life, as the substance of this earth from which I come

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only way to love my neighbor as myself is to treat myself the way I wanted to be treated by others, in taking into consideration myself, my self honesty, self acceptance, self love and I see/realize/understand that the only way to gift this with myself is through self forgiveness, writing, breathing and self correction as the changes I make as a decision of who I am in each moment; whether I will be a slave to the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/beleifs/opinions that are always based within self interest, or to simply be a breathing being here equal with all others here as well and so within this I realize that the only way to love my neighbor is to start loving me, getting to know me, finding ways to support me to in turn be able to give to others what I have given to myself

When and as I see myself not loving my neighbor as myself, in standing in defense of them, or attacking them, or speaking without considering who they are or 'where they are' within their own process of facing the mind, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself - back the origin of this outflow as the relationship with myself as I see/realize/understand that who I am with others is who I am with myself and so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself as the relationship I have with myself/how I relate to myself so then in turn be able to relate to others in ways that are best for all as I commit myself to continue walking this process of removing the separation of self interest and getting back to the equality of life that is here as all

When and as I see myself reacting to myself in what I allow in moments, specifically when I see myself not standing up/standing equal in their shoes as 'where they are' within their own lives, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to react to myself, but to instead investigate myself, to see within myself what I have/am accepting and allowing as I see/realize/understand that to react to myself is to create further conflict within myself and only delays the inevitable process of facing myself/my creation/my consequences and so I commit myself to walking the process of self investigation as self writing, to get down deep into myself in seeing what is the driving force of who I am; finding that which changes me in moments wherein it seems I have no control or authority or direction over myself in what I think, say or do and to further commit myself to stop believing that I cannot change the fuck ups I have allowed, and instead see all the changes I have made, and am making and will continue to make as I walk my process out of the mind and into life as the process of self dis-cover-(me)-y



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