04 April 2013

Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself

Here I am continuing from the previous blogs:
Day 132 - Fear put my in my place
Day 133 - Humbled by seeing and shamed by my blame - bringing the fear back to myself.
134 - The Anger I fear in Another is the Anger within Myself

Here I identified points within myself that require standing responsible for:
-Reacting to being called a bitch, a physical reaction of my heart racing and my hands shaking
-Taking personally being called a name
-Blaming another for not seeing/realizing what I was sharing/separating myself from others in not standing in their shoes as in 'where they are' within their own process/Not loving my neighbor as myself
-Reacting to another's anger towards me, not seeing/realizing the anger I was projecting onto others (Expressing aggressively towards others, as blame, for not seeing/hearing my words as the message of desteni instead of realizing it took me time to see/realize/grasp equality as a solution and what that means as a practical, physical, living change)
-being angry at myself for not seeing/realizing the solutions that are best for all as a living change
-defining others as 'wrong' and me as 'right' and then attempting to justify my position (ego)
-fearing that I was not/can not love my neighbor as myself in how I was seeing myself expressing so aggressively towards others

I'm going to try and start from the 'beginning' of this whole play-out starting with which would consists of these points:
-Blaming another for not seeing/realizing what I was sharing/separating myself from others in not standing in their shoes as in 'where they are' within their own process/Not loving my neighbor as myself
-defining others as 'wrong' and me as 'right' and then attempting to justify my position (ego)
-being angry at myself for not seeing/realizing the solutions that are best for all as a living change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when expressing myself as the words here in communication with others on various social networking sites wherein I share my process and the process of desteni as the equal money development, to always stand within the position of 'defense' as if believing I have to defend myself and the message I stand for/as/within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am defending the message that is best for all when I am in this defense mode against others in communicating online, instead of realizing that what I am defending is my own ego as the self definition of who I am as what I represent and to within this attempt to hold onto and keep alive that part of me that requires an image others will accept and so within thinking they will not accept me as the message I share and the process I walk, take on the defender character as if I am going to war with others, never stopping and seeing that I am creating this perception within myself based on the belief that others will not 'hear me' when in fact I am not 'here' as instead I am in the mind as the character that requires to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within myself as the need to protect myself, in fear others will attack me for the message I share or the process that I walk and so within this fear and need to protect myself, in fact accepting myself to play this role as the attacker - actually becoming that which I fear

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will attack me for the message that i share and the process that I am walking

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become that which I fear of others, the attacker that judge and abuse others in the sake of ego as needing to defend myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for holding onto their position as who they believe they are instead of realizing that when communicating with others online and in my world about the message of desteni, my process and equal money, I assume the role of defender of my position, wherein I will fight against others in anticipation of them attacking me for what I share and thus only attacking them within this anticipation of how they will react to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react within the fear of how others will react to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expressive myself aggressively to others who do not at first 'hear' what I share or understand what I say, within realizing that I did not at first 'get it' and so within this I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to be patient with others as I have had to be patient with myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself as I am hard on others

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not hearing/understanding/realizing what is required to change within/as this world within/as me and so within this judge others as well

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself unto others in not seeing/realizing/understanding that what I was doing to others in how I expressed myself within how i shared my process and the desteni message and equal money, is actually the relationship I have with myself in regards to these points and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aggressively judging myself for not completely and totally understanding and within realization of the process I am walking - expecting instant results and gratification from change, instead of realizing that what i am busy walking is the eradication of the ego as the self of the mind and it has taken 27 years for me to design such a system/construct of 'who I am' and thus patience is key to walk out of this, realizing that in space and time, moment by moment, breath by breath is the only way to sort out myself and so I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to live patiently and unconditionally within/as myself as my walk my process, in being gentle with myself and not pushing myself as a way to judge myself or punish myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to punish, abuse and judge myself for not realizing/seeing/understanding the practical living solutions of what is necessary to be done/lived/changed within as myself and without as this world, instead of trusting myself to walk the journey to life, accumulating within myself self love, acceptance, disciple, diligence, integrity, honesty, expression... realizing that it will take time to rediscover who I am and what I am capable of and with the tools I have, I can walk each moment and so I forgive myself that I have not slowed myself down to walk each breath as each moment I am here to really see who I am in each moment as the process of correction that is here as each breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to abuse myself and judge myself and punish myself is the way to force myself to change - instead of realizing I am only diminishing myself and not loving myself and thus unable to love my neighbor and so not realizing that this process is to give as I would like to receive and so I give myself that which I would like to receive from others and through this establishment of self trust and self giving, for-giving, I can then give to others that which I have given to myself, which is then a real unconditional giving/expression of who I am without expectations in return

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give to others that which I have given to myself within dishonesty, in not being patient with myself, being diligent with myself, accepting of myself, trusting myself that through time, as I push to stand in each moment as each breath within self honesty, i will get it and so within this, giving this to others as well, patients, trust and acceptance within realizing that this process we all walk, the process of life purified is equal for all and will take us time, as time moves through space and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see the gift I have here as the time defined by each moment is really slow and so able to be walked slowly but surely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that how I interact and define others is a reflection of how I interact and define myself and thus I forgive myself I have never allowed myself to see this and realize that to change the relationship with myself I change all relationships I have here with/as all existence, equally as one

So here we have gotten to the point - the relationship with myself, in how I have judged others and been aggressive with others is an actual mirror image of how I have judged and been aggressive with myself and so the consequence is that the responsibility is mid-directed, expecting others to change instead of changing myself. Really cool to see this and find this within myself and now I am able to move myself from/as this, in no longer allowing this of myself as I now see/realize/understand that the starting point of how I interact/communicate/see/define others is in fact, always in all ways me. The equality and oneness of life.

When and as I see myself judging others for not 'hearing me' or understand what i share within my process and the process of desteni as the equal money system, and then go into the defender character of believing I must attack before being attacked, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that this is a projection of myself and so I bring myself back to myself, back to the responsibility I have within/as myself to sort out Me, the relationship with me, the self of me that is here reflected in everything that I see, that I can interact with here in physical reality, and so I commit myself to walking this journey to life, in getting back to life that is best for all within equality and oneness as me, myself standing responsible for my-self that is here in/as the relationship I have with/as myself with all of myself within and without

When and as I see myself attacking and judging myself for not 'getting it' or 'seeing it' as in things I am not totally clear within or understanding, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself here as my body and the physical breath as I see/realize/understand that 'here' is where I have patience and I realize patience is the key to walking this process out of the mind and into life and I am actually re-learning how to live again - how to live for real in taking into consideration all that is here as me and so I commit myself to being patient and gentle with myself in not judging myself for not 'getting it' right away, but instead gift myself with diligence and discipline to keep on walking; keep on applying; keep on pushing myself in realizing that if I walk, eventually I will get it, and I will live it and it will become who I am

When and as I see myself focusing or distracting myself within 'others' as who they are, how they express - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realizing that this is me, and so I take a look at what I am trying to escape from within myself as I see/realize/understand that to focus outside and separate from me here, as in focusing on others what they 'they' are doing, is just a reflection of myself and the relationship within/as myself and so I commit myself to bringing myself back here, bringing it all back to myself realizing that I am the cause/source/origin of what is here as me, within and as this physical existence and thus I commit myself to stand/walk/live the responsibility that I have within who I am within/as life to no longer abdicate this responsibility to others, but instead to be the change I want to see in this world as I realize I can only do this within/as myself - the only thing I can change is Me.

Ok cool - so I will continue with this tomorrow.




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