Ok, so here I'm following up on the last two blogs, Day 132 - Fear put my in my place and Day 133 - Humbled by seeing and shamed by my blame - bringing the fear back to myself.
So to look more specifically at the point(s) I am facing... a few days before this moment of fear I had with another calling me a name and the defense mode I went into, I was starting to see how in the last few years since walking my process, when communicating to others about desteni and equal money and equality as best for all, I could see how "defensive" I was in always attempting to assert this aggression towards other. It was like I just saw them as abusers and dishonest and was in blame of them for not realizing what I have realized. How convenient it is to focus on others as a way to not take a look/take responsibility for ourselves.
This is quite a fuck up, because I fail to realize that I once too did not care to see what I am now pushing myself to live; I too was stuck in my own mind with my own opinions with my self interested perspectives and I had no solutions to offer anyone, or myself and equality was never something that I considered, as a physical, practical living change/solution to this world. I was/am a product of my environment. Never questioning anything, accepting things as just the way they are. I was on the 'love train' getting high on the positive vibes, man, and I did not care to see how negative this world actually is, I was content with saying it was an illusion; a distraction to keep me in fear and away from feeling good. So how dare I blame anyone who is where I once stood? It took me time before I could see with real eyes what was going on and how equality and oneness is the only solution to radically change our world into a place of worth, that is best for all - in fact heaven on earth.
So - this interaction I had with this guy reacting to a picture I posted on facebook was pretty much 'the experience/character/personality' I had been playing out for some time - where I blamed others for not seeing what I see, not seeing what is best - defining them as 'wrong' and me as 'right' and believing I have to assert myself, always expressing aggressively, instead of simply communicating/sharing/expressing myself here, as equals. Realizing that the message of desteni that I share and walk is nothing that has ever been presented in this world and it challenges the very nature of who we are/what we accept as ourselves and this world; it is saying the world is round to those that believed it was flat. So yes, it will take time for people to see/realize for themselves, but that is what i must realize, it's up to them to see for themselves, to make changes for themselves, I can only walk my process and share as an example and support, otherwise I have no control over others. And no words of aggression will change this. So this is cool to see and a gift for me to correct myself.
So some specifics to look at is the point of how I reacted to him calling me a bitch, taking this name-calling personally, instead of seeing it as the system/construct of reactions. And then allowing myself to go into the same reaction, as defense and fear. Defending "my position" as if it were better than his, and I was 'right', and fear of being harmed by him, by his anger towards me.
Another point I want to look at, and I think I side tracked a bit, so back to how I was starting to see this pattern I was playing out, as in expressing myself aggressively towards others - before this moment manifested itself for me to, yes, in fact see this is what I am doing, clearly - I was in fear that I could not love my neighbor as myself. In seeing how I was acting/behaving/expressing myself aggressively towards them(others) in my words, as the blame I was expressing, I feared that in this I was not in fact standing equal, loving them as myself, I was only separating myself from them. Wow - what a realization, this is totally what I played-out with this guy regarding the picture. I was 'afraid' of him for expressing 'aggressively' towards me and what this would lead to, and also blaming him for not seeing what I was sharing. And so now I can clearly see that what I was NOT seeing is that I was doing this myself; expressing aggressively towards others, almost like hostile. And within the moments leading up to this play-out, I was going into fear of starting to see this behavior within myself and feared I was not loving my neighbor as myself, I was ashamed that I allowed myself to act in such ways, to communicate without awareness.
Ok, ok - patients please, I realize I have repeated myself a bit here/up to this point, but forgive me - it's just me grasping this point/specifying what it is I am now seeing/realizing for myself. Bringing this point back to myself, as in it's really not "his fault", he is a gift in mirroring to me what I HAVE been doing. So thank you neighbor.
To sum this up for myself in supporting me to apply self-forgiveness and correction statements to these points in blogs to follow, here is what I must become responsible for:
-Reacting to being called a bitch, a physical reaction of my heart racing and my hands shaking
-Taking personally being called a name
-Blaming another for not seeing/realizing what I was sharing/separating myself from others in not standing in their shoes as in 'where they are' within their own process/Not loving my neighbor as myself
-Reacting to anothers anger towards me, not seeing/realizing the anger I was projecting onto others (Expressing aggressively towards others, as blame, for not seeing/hearing my words as the message of desteni instead of realizing it took me time to see/realize/grasp equality as a solution and what that means as a practical, physical, living change)
-being angry at myself for not seeing/realizing the solutions that are best for all as a living change
-defining others as 'wrong' and me as 'right' and then attempting to justify my position (ego)
-fearing that I was not/can not love my neighbor as myself in how I was seeing myself expressing so aggressively towards others
Ok that is what I can identify thus far - will continue this tomorrow.
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