31 March 2013

132 - Fear Put me in my Place

Putting on pause the previous blog series so that I can have a look at an experience I had today within myself.

Last night I posted a picture on Facebook of victims of vivisection, cats specifically. If you don't know what vivisection is, see here. It was a graphic picture of many cats that looked abused and tortured. Why would I share such a picture? Because it is here in our world, it is happening everyday; innocent animals being abused for the sake of human's greed and desire for profit. This is our reality - so why are we not seeing it? Why are we not taking responsibility and sorting it out? These are not images or news stories we hear much about, no no no, we would rather look at pretty pictures that make us happy, feeling good, following the latest celebrity gossip to keep us busy and entertained; anything that makes us uncomfortable or have to face the truth of our world (which is not pretty) is something we would rather not see. "Keep me in my bubble of happiness, please, I don't want to see this reality, thank you very much."

So while we are busy feeling good and looking at bright, colorful pictures and desiring the life of the rich and famous, innocent animals are being abused, not to mention humans that are also victims of our greedy money hungry system of "life". SO I share this because I see our reality, I have taken off my blinders. I cannot hide from the fact that our world is not nice, not at all cool and I care about what is happening. I share to get people to take notice, to see what is going on in this world and for what unjustifiable reasons we accept it, in hopes that enough will dare to care and stand for change, because if we are not ashamed by what this world is, we are not paying attention.

And so I posted this and finished up my usual evening tasks and called it a night. In the morning, again I did my usually morning tasks and ended up back online. There was an inbox message waiting for me and a comment on the picture I posted. This person (who posted the comment and also private messaged me) was not happy that I posted such a picture. He asked me to remove it. Of course I wouldn't, because people need to see, and the cats have a right to be seen as what is happening to them. I asked him what made him more upset, the fact that this exists and is happening in our world or that I posted it on Facebook  He replied that he didn't give a, and I quote, "flying fuck about what he cannot control" and I should just deal with the fact that cats get eaten in other countries. He then proceeded to call me a bitch (in the private message). I ended my interaction with him there.

What I realize is that he is not angry at me, he is in fact angry at this world, and angry at himself, as his words imply, he feels as if "he has no control" over such a thing. I suggested that we do in fact have control and even support it's existence as we participate/accept/allow and in no way dare to question the current economic system that produces such evil things. And so the solution is to be the change, stand for a solution that is best for all and where NO HARM is caused to another - ANY BEING - due to human self interest, lack of consideration for ALL life as equals, or even our own ignorance. We do have control over what exists in this world, as we have the responsibility of what we accept, allow and participate within. We have control over who we are and what we are doing in this life. It's whether or not we realize our ability to take responsibility and change us/it once and for all.

While this realization and clarity came to me later in the day, in the moment of reading his words, "BITCH", I reacted... extensively. My heart started pounding and I started to shake. I really had to breathe to slow myself down, to calm myself because I knew that to move from this experience would not support me. Even the automatic response as the reaction of my physical body/state it went into was not healthy as it was straining the physical, existing in pressure. So I breathed and brought myself back to stability. Yet throughout the morning, long after I had left the moment of this reaction and attempted to continue on my day, doing the tasks that I still required to complete - "it" was still with me. "It" as in the experience, the reaction.... the FEAR. I went into fear after this moment, and the images kept coming up. Fear of him being really angry at me and what this could bring unto me. This person is someone that I know and lives close to me and within this, I feared something happening to me. I feared that he was so angry and I caused such a reaction within him that he would do something to harm me. While I saw these images arising, I tried not to participate or validate them by allowing them. I breathed and said stop each time I saw them coming at me. So this is definitely a point I want to investigate more and apply self forgiveness for, as I realize that fear is enslaving, and I refuse to enslave myself - to my own fears within my mind or to another person. In my past, I would have allowed such a reaction within me to direct me to stop participating in that which I thought would cause reactions with another - I would avoid conflict and put myself 'in my place' in fear of how others saw me, how they felt about me and in no way could I accept another being angry at me.

While I realize fear can be within common sense as a way to direct self not to bring unnecessary harm unto self, this fear was existent as images in my mind, future projections of things happening to me by this person, so these are systems/constructs that require to be dealt with and removed for me to be able to stand up within myself in no longer allowing fear to influence me within my life. So in the blogs to come, I will look more into this point while applying the tools to support me in releasing this fear, as self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

**In addition - there is even fear of posting this blog, fear of this person reading it and becoming more angry at me and again will cause some kind of harm to me. So I will post this as I realize this is irrational. I will not allow fear to control me. To be continued...

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