01 April 2013

133 - Humbled in Seeing and Shamed by my Blame - Bringing the Fear Back to Myself part 2

Ok - so continuing on from yesterdays blog, I shared an experience I had as a reaction of fear. While was 'in fear' of posting the blog, I contacted a fellow destonian for a cross-reference. To my gratitude but not at all surprise, I was unconditionally supported to see within this experience/point that which I was not willing to see myself. Maybe it's because I was in it/as it - this character I went into as a victim of "him".

While I was in my fear, and holding onto my fear, and fighting against my fear, I was not realizing the self interest the fear actually was. Within this fear, I was the victim, "he" was the abuser that called me a name and I was innocent in my participation, and only had the fear of him to take responsibility for. It was like I was feeling sorry for myself for experiencing fear, and it was "his fault" that I experienced it, and it was enslaving, so yes, that's all I am responsible for, just my fear. Yet - bringing myself within the realization of what it means to "love thy neighbor as thyself" is to realize that while I am here facing myself as my mind, as who/how I exist here in each moment.... all life is equal and equally walking the same process. And so, within my fear I did not stand in the shoes of another, I did not stand in the shoes of my neighbor, I did not love thy neighbor as thy self in taking into consideration where he was coming from in his reaction. I just blamed him for his reaction.

This is interesting because in my intercultural communications class this semester, we recently looked at interpersonal communication and relationships and how we are so quick to judge people according to one moment in how they express themselves instead of taking into consideration the context or the accumulative history that could have led the being to such a moment of expression that we so self-righteously judge them for.

Yep - guilty as charged.

So 'where I was' within this point was fear of my neighbor not "loving me as himself"; in fear he would harm me in his anger towards me. Yet, when I bring this back to myself, in stopping the blame and the self interest, the REAL point is: fear of not loving MY neighbor as MY self. Not seeing him as my equal, as I once too could not see such images of abused animals - to a certain extent I still cant. And there was also a time where I felt there was nothing I could do about it, it was hopeless, so why torture myself in looking at such images.

We live in a world where no solutions are offered to the mess we see reality is in, we are just told to shut up, don't worry about it, there is nothing we can do, we are alone, we are powerless, best to just try and live a happy life, making the most of it for ourselves while we are here on earth. So I have been there, I can understand where he was coming from, yet in this moment with him, I did not allow myself to live this principle of standing in the shoes of another, instead I went into my own defense mode - where I had to protect myself and what I 'stand for' and justify my position. What is this behavior or way of being? Yep, Ego. You can see it in my words from yesterdays blog, I was attempting to defend my position as I felt he was attacking me for posting just a picture - and so I went into explaining/justifying myself and my reasoning for posting a picture of animal abuse - as if I have to defend the need to face reality or a message that is best for all. No - I was defending "me" as needing to be "right" = Ego, baby.

I can see how even the fear was used as a cover up - or maybe just one dimension of the moment, a way to justify my defense, where I believed I had to defend myself from "his rage". So this is an interesting point that I can see supports me to look deeper within myself, in really 'bringing it back to myself' and what it means to take responsibility for myself. I can no longer blame others for not seeing/hearing me or the message I share or the process that I walk, because I still have much to sort out within myself. It's not "their" fault. We are reactive robots, products of our global society, systems that are designed to defend and separate and diminish each other - to always be at odds so that we never unite in agreeing to a world that is best for all. So unfortunately I played the game, I allowed myself to "play the part" - but fortunately I have tools that support me to stop this and to change this within myself; to empower myself to find solutions and to be a part of a group committed and determined to no longer accept our world the way it is.

The realization that has supported me in walking my process, and perhaps now it's time to live it.... what this world is = who I am. So I must be the change I want to see in this world. I must love thy neighbor as thy self, I must stand in the shoes of another, I must do unto another what I would have done unto me, within myself and without in my world.

I was humbled by this seeing and shamed by my blame and this supports me to keep walking. I will continue with this in the blogs to follow.

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