06 April 2013

136: Deceptive Denial of the Change Required

So continuing on from the previous posts:
Day 132 - Fear put my in my place
Day 133 - Humbled by seeing and shamed by my blame - bringing the fear back to myself.
Day 134 - The Anger I fear in Another is the Anger within Myself
Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself

Ok, yesterday I began the self forgiveness process of the points that I identified from a moment of reacting towards another. Was cool to see through this process of the 'point' within/as the relationship with myself that I was acting out towards others, in how I was judging myself for not 'getting it' - certain points within my process as/and bits of knowledge and information - how within this, judging myself and actually being angry at myself for not in an instant understanding/seeing/realizing the complexity and simplicity of such points, within myself and within this world. So cool to 'bring it back to myself' in seeing that how I was existing within/as the relationship with myself, I exist as equally with/to/towards others. And here lies the self responsibility, to always be 'clear' in who I am to ensure that I am not projecting myself and my own relationship that is clearly not yet best for all, unto others... instead, do unto others as you would have done unto you.

So I will continue with the other points brought up within all of this. Yesterday specifically I was going to walk through the point of:
-Blaming another for not seeing/realizing what I was sharing/separating myself from others in not standing in their shoes as in 'where they are' within their own process/Not loving my neighbor as myself

-defining others as 'wrong' and me as 'right' and then attempting to justify my position (ego)

-being angry at myself for not seeing/realizing the solutions that are best for all as a living change

While I can see I applied self forgiveness and self corrective statements for the point of being angry at myself for not seeing/realizing the solutions that are best for all as a living change, I did not go much into the blaming others for not seeing/realizing what I share and thus separate myself from others in not standing in their shoes as in 'where they are' within their own process, which is ultimately not loving my neighbor as myself as well as defining others as 'wrong' and me as 'right' and then attempting to justify my position as I can clearly see this is my ego.

So I have seen/realized/understood that the points listed above are outflows of the starting point as the relationship with myself in regards to how I was judging/blaming myself for not 'seeing/hearing/understanding' myself or using myself even as support to really investigate myself, bringing my focus back to myself, but instead always existing outwardly in looking at others and 'their flaws' as what needs to be corrected by THEM - not ME. This is interesting as well, because a few blogs ago, I brought myself back to this point of self agreement - self intimacy, taking on this point of investigating my own self relationship, as I was able to see how much I used outside distractions (sex and relationships mostly) as a way to not have to see me and ultimately to not have to take responsibility for me or change me. And so here I am, testing this point in seeing if I am actually willing to live the commitment I made to myself in investigating myself, my self-relationship, my 'who I am' within/as all that is here in each moment. And so this is a very cool support point of showing to me what it means to investigate myself, and what it means to take responsibility for myself, and what it means to 'bring it back to myself' and what it means to do unto others what I would have done unto me - it's the real hard labor of the physical breath by breath moment, realizing there is no instant, quick fix or magical moments wherein self is all of a sudden free and clear of all the bondage we inflict on ourselves, oh no - this takes a step by step, point by point, breath by breath, day by day journey to self pushing self beyond what self thought was possible/capable of doing. And so grateful for this Journey to Life and the willingness of myself to live the commitment I have most recently made. You can check out the blog I am referring to here.

Ok - so let's get to the point!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within/as/from the starting point of my own self-relationship of blame and judgment and anger, project this onto others in how I interact with them, wherein I will blame, judge and express myself/my words within/as anger as defining them as 'not hearing me', as I was not hearing myself; and for not seeing me, as I was not seeing myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express my self relationship that is clearly not best for all unto others as if they are responsible for standing as a point of change - waiting for them to change, instead  of changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others when communicating with them through various social networking sites, as in seeing them separate from me as the 'one' required to hear/see/change themselves and thus exist in this expectation from THEM, instead of seeing/realizing the self projection I was placing unto them of/as myself and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand self responsible for myself in each moment as I interact with others online and on various social networking sites, and being the change I want to see in this world instead of expecting others to be the change I want to see in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand here unconditional and equal to others that I communicate with online about desteni and equal money through existing as the self relationship I had with myself as blaming and judging myself for things I was not yet clear within and so projecting this unto others and thus not able/willing to 'hear' their words, to see their words in seeing where they were coming from; from what perspectives they could or could not see/hear what I was sharing and so not blaming them, but realizing/seeing/understanding that they are within their own individual process and like me, it will take time and patience for them to come to their own self honest realizations for/as themselves and I can in no way do that for anyone outside of myself and while I am busy trying to do that for others, I am missing the whole point that is right in front of my eyes... that I have NOT yet done this for myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not yet allowed myself to walk my process, within patience, in trusting that within the applications of writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self corrective application, self commitment statements and breathing, I will be able to change myself into a being that lives/act/exist/expresses always what is best for all and that is equality and oneness as all parts are of/as the same substance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this separation I accepted as the communication with others through various social networking sites, define others as wrong and me as right and within this attempt to express myself as superior and better in full blown ego-mania, which only reveals how we use our minds/our egos deliberate to deceive ourselves from not seeing/taking responsibility for ourselves and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as my ego and use it for purposes of deliberate denial of myself here, as where I exist as the starting point of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - LOL, WOW =not live the principles in which I was preaching to others, in not breathing, being here as the moment as directive principles equal to and one with who I am as a human physical body, and instead attempt to assert my ego as the self delusional character of being "right" within the knowledge and information that I have yet not a living application that can be tested and trusted and so always, and again showing myself knowledge is useless if it cannot be lived - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand as a hypocrite in telling others 'how they must be' in seeing/hearing what i have to share, yet not living this as an expression of myself and so NO WONDER why conflicts would arise when I have not yet stood as this point of self-change within myself to then be able to support others within clarity to do the same and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to change others before changing myself, expect others to change before I change myself, blaming others for not changing when I have not yet changed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yell and scream solutions to everyone else that I have not yet applied, lived, become as a self expression and statement of REAL CHANGE within and as myself/my life

When and as I see myself focusing on others within/as blame or judgments for not 'hearing/seeing' what I share, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that this is me that I am not 'hearing/seeing' and so I commit myself to walk the self responsible process of self investigation, through writing, seeing what it is I am not yet willing to see within myself yet projecting it outwardly unto others as I commit myself to always bring these points back to myself to sort out the relationship I have with me as I see/realize/understand that the relationship I have with me in the relationship I have with all as me and so I bring myself within the commitment to sort out me, to change me, to ensure I exist within the consideration of what is best for all life in each moment as then I will be able to support others unconditionally

When and as I see myself expressing myself in communication with others as the ego's need to be 'right' and defining/accepting/allowing them to be less than me, I stop and I breathe and I DO NOT allow this of myself, I stop myself in that moment with/as breathing and push myself to NOT continue until i am clear and 'here' to be able to then 'hear' them clearly without the filters of me wanting to win, as I see/realize/understand I will then be able to support in sharing myself in standing equal to/as them, in just simply being a human physical breathing being, and so I commit myself to simply be a human being, here, breathing and communicating with others human beings, without separation of defining one more or less than another, but instead my equal, equal as life, equal as the mind, equal as substance;equally here facing our creation as who we are

When and as I see myself separating myself from others as in not taking into consideration 'where they are' within their own lives and processes  and instead expressing aggressively as a way to force knowledge and information unto them expecting them to 'get it', I stop and I breathe and I bring myself 'back here', back to the realization that as I walk my process, so to others walk their process and so I instead commit myself to stand equal to/one with others in the process that we walk as we are all facing our minds, our knowledge and information that has become useless, our self interest and the separation we exist within/without and so I commit myself to take into consideration others as my equals, as equally walking their own process and so I stand with understanding that one will see or one will not see, yet that does not determine who I am in my own process and so I commit myself further to no longer take personal responsibility for others without first taking responsibility for the person that I am here

When and as I see myself preaching to others solutions I have not applied and corrected within my own living, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to me here without knowledge and information of the mind that is used to distract from actual physical living, as I see/realize/understand that knowledge is useless if it is not lived and so I commit myself to no longer living hypocritical in telling others 'how it's done' when I have not yet done it for myself, for real, in all areas of my life and so I instead commit myself to living/being the change, utilizing the tools of writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective/commitment statements and breathing as the knowledge that is able to be lived to create real change within myself and so become a living example, instead of one who speaks empty words that cannot be backed by the substance of how I live.

Will continue this in blogs to come...




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