From the first blog I started in this series - I see the balancing act I was writing about is how I have balanced the polarity of the negative and positive being that I am in defining fulfillment to be something that which I find externally - in what I do in this world, my actions and responsibilities. So that is interesting and cool to see, that I am walking the tight rope of my own creation wherein I fear the negative and so lean towards the positive as a way to run from myself as the negative experience and definition I give to myself and then when I see this - leaning to one side as the positive, I fall as I have created an unstable grounding/foundation - instead I have created a line as a rope that I must walk on, yet always falling because I am trying to balance out the polarity by suppressing the negative as going into the positive. So why not remove the rope that I was on, suspended in mid air, and instead ground myself, with two feet on the ground, walking in/as/on this earth with/as breath.
Yesterday's blog was very cool in terms of getting a closer look at the person I have been living as, as a polarity - where I, in the past was, to quote myself here, "I was a walking zombie with no responsibilities, taking no actions and not giving myself any purpose yet seeking fulfillment." I identified this as a negative experience in myself, while living such a pattern and see from here went into living the polarity as the positive experience being that I wanted to take it ALL on, but never questioning the starting point as the search for fulfillment in what I do in my life - the consequence is coming from who I am as the negative and thus end up going right back to where I started,- in taking on all the responsibilities - as defining that as what will fulfill me - I must realize it's not what I do - it's who I am. And so prove to myself through how I am unable to effectively walk each responsibility as it does not fulfill me and so I give up and thus end up back in the negative experience of 'not doing anything' and accepting the experience of being unfulfilled.
So the past me was not fulfilled and was seeking this fulfillment separate and outside of myself, from me here and this was not a cool experience. I felt lost and discouraged and no where to go. I wanted to live life, and I thought by going out with friends, drinking, partying, having relationships - this was living life, trying to fill myself with anything that could mask this emptiness I felt.
So I will just jump right into some self forgiveness and see what else is here:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fulfillment to be something outside and separate from me here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that fulfillment as an expression of who I am is found in actions I take or responsibilities that I have, wherein when I lived such a life where I did not dare to do anything in terms of challenging myself or educating myself or pushing myself to try new things in/as expanding myself - I judged myself as not fulfilled yet did nothing for myself to find a solution - instead i sat in my shit, feeling unfulfilled and not giving myself direction and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept the experience of feeling unfulfilled without finding solutions to my experiences - without trying new things and pushing myself and MOVING myself to give myself direction to find out who I really am and what i am really capable of and what it actually means to live self fulfilled
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I was in the past as one without self direction, self motivation and self will - where I basically wasted away my days in waiting for something to outside and separate from me here to move me, to stimulate me, to push me into something where I thought I would find fulfillment
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I had something to push me or move me or stimulate me into doing something with myself then I would experience a feeling of fulfillment in my life
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fulfillment is a feeling - instead of realizing it as a living expression of who I am or simply a physical action of filling myself with substance as what is required of my physical body and to instead seek an idea as a feeling of what fulfillment is, separate and outside from me here
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word fulfillment to be within a positive energy charge associated with 'doing things' in this world, like going to school or educating myself about our world or working - where because I was not allowing ymself to do these things, I thought I was not fulfilled and thus not satisfied with myself and experienced it as a negative point in my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fulfillment to be that of something I will find with another in a relationship - where my ultimate search was for a partnership in which I beleive would fill in the emptiness that I accepted as myself in judging myself as unfulfilled because of the lack of self motivation and self will to actually give myself direction within my life and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships with others within self interest in filling myself with an experience that masks the reality of myself as feeling empty and so not really interested in the other and the relationship - but only how it made me feel - what it could provide for me and me alone
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define actions that I take and responsibilities I take on in my world to be that of fulfilling - instead of realizing the ability I have to fulfill myself here in every single moment I allow myself to breathe, filling myself with the life that is equal for all - the air I breathe in which gives my life - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never realize that I am fulfilled in each moment as the breath I breathe as life gives to me that which allows me to be here and so I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me here as life fulfilled as each breath in separating myself into my mind in search of something external to fill me up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn outward in search of something to fulfill me inward, instead of realizing I must go inward to the origin of the emptiness to see who I am, as what i accept and allow as the belief that I am not fulfilled
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgments for who I was in my past as not 'doing anything' instead of being grateful for what I have walked in this life, as I see/realize/understand that where I am now, here, is the only place I want to be in becoming aware of what it actually means to be here, to be fulfilled, to live life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to find fulfillment through friends and partying and drinking - thinking that being around others will give me a sense of being fulfilled, as apparently I have friends and my life consists of at least doing something
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and beleive I need a reason and purpose in life as actions and responsibilities that I live in order to be fulfilled
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that this world offers fulfillment in the form of money, entertainment, sex and relationships - wherein I accepted the norm of the eternal search of fulfillment as the pursuit of happiness- looking outward at what this system provides, instead of turning inward, in getting intimate with myself in learning what it actually means to be fulfilled, as substance, as life as a foundation of what is real and not in an illusion that is only temporary in giving us a quick burst of stimulus that never lasts but that we must continue to attain in order to keep ourselves full
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my life as unfulfilled
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define life as unfulfilled instead of realizing the life that is full within all yet not realized or lived in/as this world/reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this life is about finding fulfillment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question this belief that I am not fulfilled
I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to realize that life fulfilled in within the honoring and support of living life and not surviving life, as this current system accepts - where life can/is fulfilled when each are honored with the ability to live - to fill themselves with food, water, to shelter them from the weather - to have an actual choice in what they do in this life and not forced into slavery as having to do something in order to attain something and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept this world the way it is, as I have accepted myself the way I am - accepting the belief that I am unfulfilled instead of finding ways to fulfill myself in practical, physical reality that is equal for all and thus give this to others as I give it to myself, such as a system that gives life
Will continue this tomorrow...
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