Kristina's Journey to Life

I have opened up this point - of finding out I am the bully that I feared - and while I am busy walking through it - I see thoughts and back chats coming up as reactions to it - not wanting to 'do it' - or complete it - like just wanting to 'free write' about my day or not give myself direction basically in actually sorting out what is here as the memories I have placed - as the whole personality I have developed that is still existing within me of being a bully - so it's like I see this point as "too big" and will take many blogs to complete and yes, so not wanting to actually direct myself, commit myself to actually walk through what I have allowed myself to see. This is not cool because obviously it's an attempt to ignore what is here, and what I have specifically, physically placed for myself to write - so I will apply self forgiveness and corrective statements for myself here as to no longer allow the resistance to walking this point direct me, an

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests 185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority We will go straight into self forgiveness here: Allowing myself to be influenced by the girls I defined as 'superior' to me in order for them to like me and accept me and so that I could hang out with them/be friends with them I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within defining two girls in my class as superior to me and thus me as inferior to them, standing in fear of not being 'as cool/equal' to them - from fear move into desire as wanting them to like me and accept so and thus allowing myself to be influenced by them and myself in accepting and allowing myself to make decisions that were not best for all, but only best for me in how I perceived what was bes

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests Defining two 'other' girls in my class as 'cool' Defining the 'cool' girls as superior to me and Cristina I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define two girls in my class as 'cool' and within this attach superiority to them as being 'cool' in seeing them more then me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being 'cool' as being superior and better than others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from girls in my class in seeing them as 'superior' to me as within the definition of being 'cool' I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the validity of such a definition

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking: 181: The Birth of a Bully 182: The Birth of a Bully part 2 183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1 In yesterday's blog, I laid out for myself all the dimensions within myself that I found in the memories I wrote out - in investigating myself in an experience/reaction I had and have had throughout my life. So here I will go into self forgiveness as releasing myself from the past - from this memory where I acted in a way that was not self honest, was not best for all as it was purely based within my own self interest and did not see/consider how this has a consequence in/as this life for myself and others. Let's begin: "Bonding with my friend because we 'share' the same name - defining that as something 'special'" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine a 'bond' or friendship with another according to their name and to with

Ok so I am continuing from the previous two blogs, The Birth of a Bully Part 1 & 2 , in identifying this 'bully character' from memories that I found in investigating myself as this experience I've had throughout my life of fear of others 'bullying' me. What I will do here is take the first memory, from the first blog I wrote in this series, and lay out all the mind-dimension that are present in the memory - as a guideline for myself as I walk through the memory, placing myself as 'who I am/was' in that moment as the memory, in order to release it from myself, with self forgiveness and self corrective statements/application, in no longer being influenced by 'who I was' in my past, and instead be here, free, without memories directing me within who I am now - or what I will no longer accept and allow myself to be. Looking at the first memory, this is what I find: Bonding with my friend because we 'share' the same name - defining tha

This is continuing from yesterday's blog: Day 181: The Birth of a Bully So yesterday I wrote out a memory that I saw existing within me in relation to an   experience/reaction I was having within myself. It was this fear of being, how I would defined being 'bullied' - that fear of another is 'messing' with me, is not being real with me, is joking/playing around with me at my expense - basically like thinking they are just fucking with me to get a laugh, like deliberately nasty in pretending to be 'cool' with me when they actually are not. So I saw a couple memories connected to this - where I had actually done this in my life and thus now fear it being done to me. So yes, the first memory I wrote in yesterdays blog. The 2nd memory I will write out here. This second memory was from when I was in High School, maybe 10th or 11th grade. I was friends with  a girl, we will call M. She had dated a guy a couple years prior who was now dating another girl, we

Last night I was doing my own personal writing, I came across an interesting point. The experience I was writing about was this point of fear - fear of someone making fun of me, laughing at my expense, not being 'real' with me in terms of they were fucking with me - basically pretending to be 'nice' or 'cool' with me but secretly they were making fun of me. I have seen this point come up within me before - but this time I found the memories that were sustaining it. It was so clear - two distinct memories that allowed me to see and realize WHY I was experiencing this point within myself. I found them in asking myself ok, why would I experience this? Where in my life perhaps have I done this to someone or where in my past have I experienced this before. Basically just directing myself through my mind in looking for anything that 'came up' within me in relation to this. And yes, there they were - just waiting to be dealt with. So I will write out th

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to apply self forgiveness here and so instead just want to write, yet within this writing without applying self forgiveness - I find the physical goes into a discomfort wherein the words are not 'here' as me, the expression becomes forced and I see this clearly indicate an image/presentation I am trying to display as a way to deliberately avoid myself, as the reality of myself that is here and instead pretend 'all is well' in not actually taking a look at what is going on and what I am attempting to hide from myself I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide from myself when I come here to blog in not wanting to apply self forgiveness and instead just want to write and within this defining my writing as better then self forgiveness, as I have allowed many times the ego to come out to play, sort to speak, within my writing as a way to display myself as something ot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, even within the realization of the nature of myself as self interest, in where I am constantly seeking and seraching to find ways to ‘fill myself’ with a reward for the being in which I display myself as, still exist as the starting point – in still allowing myself to move from/as self interest as who I am instead of stopping and breathing and moving myself from the awareness of what is best for all as I see /realize/understand that to move from/as self interest in not best for all – it is in fact greedy and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as greed as self interest in where I just want to get anything I can to reward myself as a form of validation for ‘who I am’ not realizing that the ‘who I am’ that I am trying to reward is my ego that has been constructed and programmed into me since birth, in where I was taught ‘how to be’ in order to survive in this world and in this world of compa

I am continuing here from Day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance and yesterday's blog, 177: Who Defines Me as Acceptable or Not? What I have been seeing is the self abuse I inflict on myself in seeing myself as inferior to another being - in how I go into self judgments and worry and doubting myself because of how I see/define another being as superior to me. So I want to just go into self forgiveness for the experience I had that opened these points up and see what else is here: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being in seeing them as superior to me and within this define myself as inferior to them and through this acceptance of seeing/perceiving - allow myself to go into fear when communicating with this being - wherein I will judge myself as not good enough and not smart enough and not worthy enough and so within this go into fear of doing something 'wrong' in it not being what I am suppose to do