172 - Fulfilling Self Interest in Relationships
So quite a fuck up as I wasted my life in waiting for this being that never came. Even when I thought they came, and I filled my life with only the relationship, as the only thing I cared about, things did not fall into place, I was not happy and satisfied, I was always in fear, conflict, insecurities. I had placed all of myself into this other being - in a relationship - to determine my life being fulfilled, I become dependent on the relationship and the highs and lows as a way to keep busy with 'what was happening' between us. It was like the only thing I 'saw' in this reality to have real value, yet at the end of the day - I was always feeling like something was missing - it was not going as I expected or how I 'thought' it 'should be' in that it was not smooth sailing and there was no happily every after. I was never fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my fulfillment to be separate from me here within/as a relationship with another being
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be in a relationship with another then my life is fulfilled
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself form my own self fulfillment and place this power within/as another being as in a relationship with them, trusting and believing that 'they' will somehow give me what i have been looking for in life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself as keeping myself busy to feel fulfilled when in relationships with others wherein I participate in fear and desire and worry and discomfort and conflict and insecurity and within this believe I am fulfilled as I am keeping myself preoccupied with a state of mind that is so blind to what is actually here as reality and who I am within such a relationship
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ONE person in this world out of 7 BILLION people that is here specifically, and purposefully for me and me alone and within this believe that i am special to have such a point - instead of realizing the judgement I cast on every other person in this world through accepting and allowing and believe that there is only one person that can fulfill me as fulfillMEnt - instead of realizing the only ONE that can - is typing these words
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept what media and entertainment has portrayed as there being one person in this world that will fulfill myself and my life and within this to then sit and wait, patiently for this being, hoping that it is true but never investigating, asking common sensically if this is actually real
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by fairy-tales and Disney movies that tell me there is a prince charming within this world that will save me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in such a way where I accept myself as 'needing' a savior such as a man in a relationship instead of realizing the self abuse I allow within this acceptance - not giving myself any awareness, attention, love or care
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be fulfilled in relationship with another and when I do not experience this fulfillment, become hopeless in thinking and believing they must not be 'the one' and thus desire to seek another point within my life that will be 'the point' that will somehow fulfill me - never asking can I give this to myself? Aren't I the ONLY ONE that can give it to myself - isn't that the only way it is real?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself to be subject and dependent upon another to be in relationship with me to feel fulfilled
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe fulfillment is in a relationship with man
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as empty without a relationship - with no fulfillment in my life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the self interest and abuse of another when entering a relationship within the desire for fulfillment in expecting the other to give me this, instead of realizing that I am dishonoring myself and the other as life as what is possible in not needing or depending on another for my existence, but to stand absolute as who I am here, in each moment, as each breath, in self awareness of the gift I can give to myself- to be constant, stable - to stand allone
When and as I see myself using and abusing myself and another for my own self interest belief that I require another to be in relationship with me in order to feel fulfilled, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow this of myself as I see the dishonesty as seeing/realizing/understanding that what I am and have always been looking for is here as me and until I take responsibility as facing myself to turn inward and uncover the layers I have created around me as my protection - I will never find out who I really am, as the real expression of myself as Life, as being able to stand absolute as who I am, within/as the awareness of equality and oneness as Life here - and so I commit myself to remove the layers of belief that i have laid over myself to blind myself from the reality of myself and this world- the truth of myself - that I am always, in allways allone - here and so I commit myself to stand as myself, allone, as all as one as equal, in who I am in self honesty in stopping the external search for myself as fulfillment, and I fill myself with/as breath with/as Life to do what is necessary to be done in this world and stopping all ego that believes somehow I will be saved by another as being special - I commit myself to save myself from the abuse I inflict on myself as such an idea
I commit myself to living a life fulfilled for/as myself, as who I am here, and to walk the process to become/create this as myself with the journey to life - with writing, with self forgiveness, with self honesty, with self corrective application and self commitment - to always commit myself to do what is best for all realizing that it is best for me and so I commit myself to realize that to look for 'the one' is self interest in judging others and looking for my own fulfillment and so I commit myself to remove all self interest as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and thus realizing that only once I do this am I able to do this for others and so I commit myself to walk the process for myself and so for others in creating and implementing a monetary system that ACTUALLY values LIFE and honors all Human Rights - the Right to Life.
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