Kristina's Journey to Life

January 15, 2021 - For those that don't know, I'm pregnant! As I write I am just about 27 weeks pregnant and just about to enter into the third trimester. I have been sharing weekly pregnancy updates since probably week 7 - with all the various changes one goes through, mentally/emotionally and physically. Today I just recorded my week 24-26 update and noticed a clear difference in my experience.  First of all it took 3 attempts to get the recording... I tried out some new lighting in my partner's studio that I didn't like so I decided to record again in my normal spot in the house. We got a new mic situation but I forgot to turn it on so there was no audio on the 15 minute recording. Finally, I got the third recording done, in the spot I wanted to record in, with the new audio working and as I uploaded the video to my computer to start the editing process... I hated what I saw. A dimly lit, "fat and ugly" me.  I am not as eager to share this recording. I will...

Continuing from my last blog ... the next day I noticed the point mentioned previously was still present within me. There was spite existing within me in relation to this person that "took their frustrations out on me." The next day when communicating with her, I hardly spoke. This is often my choice of punishment towards someone I think have wronged me. I shut down and stop engaging with them. Or the classic silent treatment as my partner would call it.  That's what I was doing - I was giving this person the silent treatment because they "wronged" me. I knew while I was allowing it that is was really unacceptable - because I realized the frustrations they were having wasn't personal, it wasn't about me  YET I took it personally, made it about me, victimized myself within it and decided to punish them with my silence. Apparently I believe this will "teach them a lesson."  Really all it does is perpetuate a state of conflict, a state of victimiz...

Today at work I had an interesting experience with someone. I work from home at the moment, for a law firm and I am constantly communicating with other law offices/legal assistants. This particular email communication with another legal assistant from a different law office was interesting because in almost 4 years of working in this firm/industry, I have yet to have someone be so outwardly rude to me. After her, I will call "outburst", I responded simply and to the point what our objective was and left it at that. But within me there was much more happening. Working in law one learns to stick to the point, communicate directly, don't included unnecessary information in the discussion and so that is what I did. But inside I was so shocked and surprised in a way. And after the communication ended I kept thinking about her email/outburst.  And 10 minutes went by and I was still experiencing myself as startled and even assaulted in a way. There was this humming of a vibratio...

Today I noticed a point within me wherein I saw something to express - something to say, a perspective to share, a consideration to explore and once I put it out there I slowly but surely began to question and doubt myself. My heart began to race, my mind started to worry... was what I said okay? was it right? will it be challenged or twisted or thrown back at me?  What I noticed was this experience/reaction I was having was in relation to whom I was speaking to, or who was there to see/read my words. I defined this person as superior, as "knowing more" or more "intellectual" and so I diminished at the thought of attempting to stand equal to them in conversation. Because I did not simply accept what they were saying - I in fact saw flaws in what they were saying and so I shared my perspective. I was clear when I shared but soon went into fear.  Apparently this person is more of an authority because of... why? who they are? what they do? who their partner is? where t...