390: A Life Without Purpose?

Purpose.

This has always been something I felt has escaped me, like I never really had a purpose in life. It was essentially a waiting game wherein I thought that my purpose would some how miraculously appear to me one day, and I just had to be ready for it. Growing up I never really 'knew' what i wanted to do - I knew what was in a way expected from me in society, yet I never had that real drive towards anything - besides a modeling and acting career that after some years of pursuing, I decided was not something I actually wanted to do. This was a purpose programmed through external influences that told me, and I accepted, as being a worthwhile purpose in Life.

So besides the American dream of being rich and famous, I always felt a little lost in terms of what my purpose was. Yet due to my religious and spirituality thoughts and beliefs, I knew there was a purpose for me in this Life, yet I didn't have any fricken idea what it is.

Then I came across the Desteni interviews in early 2009. After listening to the interviews and the words of the beings that spoke, mainly about self-responsibility, self-honesty, self-love, self-trust, self-forgiveness, Equality and Oneness and this world being a reflection of who I was as a Mind - to me I found my purpose. My purpose was to walk this process of birthing myself as Life in the Physical - letting go of the self-defined Mind I had created throughout my life consisting of Characters and Personalities that were designed to stay in separation of what Life really is, how Equality actually exists as all, and to finally let go of my striving to find some kind of purpose for my Life on Earth outside and separate from me Here. To me, I was finally home and now actually starting to Live my Life - my purpose became more visible in a way. This was exactly what I had been waiting for.

So while recently again looking at this word Purpose, and how I relate to it - I can see that while walking my Process of self-change with the support tools shared by the Desteni Group, purpose is still something that seems to escape me. In a way still feeling a bit lost and wandering around like I am looking for and in a way, still waiting for my purpose to present itself.

Yet one thing I have definitely learned since walking the tools of self-responsibility is that I am the only one that can create/design my purpose; that it does not in fact exist outside of me, I will not find it in work or career, it is not in my relationship with others. Meaning - there is nothing outside of me that will determine my Purpose in life, that is something I will have to come up with all by my self.

So I am still in the process of dis-covering my purpose, as delayering myself as the mind and the ways in which I have limited myself and my expression, I am discovering potential and capabilities I never allowed myself to see or be before. So while initially there has been reaction within myself of living a life without purpose, I can see that through self-forgiveness and self-commitment to Principled Living - Purpose is what I can create as myself. Because that is ultimately what I see - that Purpose is not necessary something I do or say or where I work or do for work - it absolutely exists within who I am in each moment, my starting point within each day, for each action, how I relate and interact with others and how I express myself as the Statement of Who I am in This Life and so who I will be and what I will create.

So while I am in the process of creating my purpose, here are some self-forgiveness I wrote in relation to the initial reactions and self-definition of myself as being without Purpose;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose in separation of me here, wherein I see it as existing outside of myself as some external point, such as a field of study or job that defines my purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as without a purpose based on my limited definition of it being in what I do for job/career, and so in not being satisfied with my job/career, feel as if I don't have a purpose, or a purpose that is good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think without a job/career as a purpose, then I have no purpose in life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that purpose can be expressed in all that I do as a statement of who I am, rather than 'what I do for work/money'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define purpose to be how much money I make - as being the ultimate purpose in Life - to make money as the fear of survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost without a purpose that I can clearly see or define

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to how I've come to define purpose as being something that exists outside/separate from me here and so in thinking I do not have such a point, feel lost - instead of realizing that I am HERE and nothing outside of me can determine my experience of myself, or who I am in fact, yet it can THROUGH my acceptance and allowance and so I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to take absolute power and control as self-responsibility within who I am as Purpose, harnessing it within me as the Here-ness of physical life and living and directing myself within the principles of self-honesty and self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that real purpose is based within principled living, and thus exists within every moment of who I am and how I apply myself within such principles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define purpose as a word as something grandeur and bigger than me that I must attain to instead of realizing that purpose exists within and as me as a seed of potential and through nurturing myself and caring for myself it can develop and grow into an expression of me present in all that I do as it is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energy charge to the word purpose and so when one 'find their purpose' - they are fulfilled and their life is more whole and complete and so when I think,  believe and define myself as not having a purpose, feel the opposite energy experience as negative due to me thinking that, based on my definition, since I do not have a purpose, I am not living a life fulfilled or complete or whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my life as incomplete without a purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect one's purpose in life to be this great and magical thing that instantly changes who one is and within this, wait throughout my life for this magic experience wherein my life becomes fulfilled and whole because I apparently found my purpose

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to clearly decide and define who I am as the living word purpose, through principled living, as giving myself direction and directive principle to create and express what is best for all in all ways

Self-Commitments in the blog to follow...

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