Kristina's Journey to Life

A point I would like to give direction to is 'who I am' at work. Specifically this is in regards to the communication - or rather the spew that comes out of my mouth and others while "communicating" at work. I see how much lack of awareness and self responsibility exists, within me, when I am at work. The words that come out of other people's mouths and my own is astounding. It's like there is absolutely no consideration for life or humanity existent within our words, let alone awareness of what our words actually imply and how they so nicely reflect the reality of ourselves as what we have created and allowed ourselves to become. I saw the point of responsibility to 'put a guard' over my mouth before I speak and for awhile there I was actually walking this application and would not allow myself to participate in certain types of conversations - such as gossip or back chat dialogue - where it's like whatever comes up in people's mind, usu

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on the responsibilities and commitments I have made I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on certain responsibilities and commitments in my life because a new 'focus' has recently opened within my life that I define within my mind as 'better' and thus desire to give it more attention I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point as more than the other things in my life - where I judge things in my life according to the experiences I allow within myself that produce good or bad feelings and so according to this reaction - to an energetic reactions based on definitions and perceptions in my mind - determine what I will give my attention and focus on and within this define some things as responsibility and commitments in my life that I have been walking as not good enough, in producing the 'feel good' feelings that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a limited version of myself wherein when I am faced without a basic human right , such as electricity - to exist within loneliness and isolation and not once consider this as the reality for many other people currently existing on this same planet as me - wherein they constantly go without basic human rights, such as electricity, and that is "just the way it is" and so within this - never question and wonder or contemplate why the hell I would have this type of right and others do not and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider electricity a basic human right as a comfort and practical tool for efficient living on earth once it is removed from my reality, where I no longer have access to it, and only then consider this is the same for many others who are not in the same position as me - where I am comfortable within the current economic system as I have

June 23rd, 2013 - Another night without power in the house Alone in the Dark I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to go home because there is no electricity and the darkness reminds me of loneliness I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone without electricity – because within this I feel alone, I feel lonely I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize the loneliness that exists within me and only now see it triggered through an outside/external force that reveals to me the loneliness I have within me – realizing that it’s not my environment that ‘causes’ the loneliness, but it is in fact existent within me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on my routine, which is supported with electricity/power for when I come home – within this, defining the things that I do as a normal routine as my comfort and companion and to within th

*This blog was actually written the night of the storms, Friday, June 21st. Let's be honest. Not only do I require to stop this fastness character at work because self honestly - that is not the only place this character exists. Obviously, I am this and it's not actually the environment - it is me. I have written a bit about this speedy being I have a tendency to go into, and what I now realize is that it's only something I am now becoming aware of. Meaning - I have always existed as this 'fastness character" but only now am I seeing the patterns and cycles of it and the points that trigger it's activation. My fastness comes from an extreme energetic high. When I perceive or react to something within my reality as something 'good' or 'positive' - or to be self honesty, the one thing I have always believed I wanted in life - then I am like on cloud nine, way ahead of myself, on top of the world and flying like superman at lightening speed

I am typing these words at a coffee shop next to my school. I cannot recall writing even one of my blogs at a coffee shop. The reason I haven't is because I have internet at my home and so in the comfort of such space and the protection of money, I am able to sign online at any moment I choose and move about how I would like with 'free' access. The reason today I am sitting in a coffee shop to write this blog is because last night my city was hit with two extreme storms. It did not last long but the effects are still being felt today. Winds tore down trees, power lines, street lights. The city turned to black and the night was just starting. I awoke this morning in hopes the power had returned. It had not. Daylight revealed the effects of the storms to be much more clear. Street upon street have been blocked off; trees on houses and in middle of intersections. More than 200,000 Minneapolis residents are without power today, and the news is telling us some may not have

This is a continuation of the previous post in regards to the 'fastness character' I must embody while in my work environment and how I saw myself carrying it into a moment that it was no longer required. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive principle of myself when/as I see I must embody the 'work character' in which I must 'be here' and move quickly and swiftly and absolutely clear of any thoughts as distractions in my mind as I see/realize/understand the necessity for a smooth and effective work shift that allows me to support myself financially, yet I also see realize and understand that this work character must be able to be turned off when I am no longer in that environment and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to be directive in turning on and off the work character as the fastness I must act out to function properly within an equally as the fast work environment I forgive myself that i have

The other day at work, I took a moment in between shifts - meaning, I was working a 'double shift' where I was working both the morning and afternoon/evening shifts at my work, which can be quite a long day for my physical body considering the nature of my job being physically demanding. Anyways, about the time the morning shift was ending and the afternoon/evening shift was beginning, I stepped outside and took a short break. While I was enjoying the ability to sit down and be in the sun, I found myself experiencing myself 'very fast.' Where it's like I was constantly looking around me, and I was fidgeting and I was experiencing this 'rushing' feeling within me where the only way to explain this would be to say I was not slowing down. What I saw in that moment was carrying the 'experience' of my job/work with me into that moment as 'my break.' I work in a restaurant and the environment in general is 'fast paced' where there is

Continuing on with the Self Forgiveness process from the writing of Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation.  Here I am looking at a statement that, as(at) quick glance, seems 'innocent' - yet when I look further in my writing, I see this specific statement, "But as I was doing my work this evening, I saw that I was doing a lot of reading, and it was getting late and while considering the different points I could write about - ultimately I decided I would not write a blog." The reason this statement stands out is because later in the this blog, I go on to reveal my 'real' starting point - so this statement here above is the justifications and excuses I was giving myself in attempt to 'make okay' and validate the 'real' starting point. So this is cool to see because that is what the Mind tends to do - give us points to consider that seem practical, yet what is lying behind this justifications, that make it sound 'so right'

Continuing here from the original blog I started in this series, Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation . I am looking through this blog and addressing each point I see requires alignment with self forgiveness. I started this process in yesterday's blog, Day 198: Starting Point for Creating a Blog . I am going to jump ahead in the original blog with the point of, "as even in consideration of writing a blog about the 'ethics experience' I have been having - within looking at that, I went into self judgments as not being 'clear' on what I was seeing, and from that starting point - made the decision to NOT write a blog. Within the the starting point that "I am not good enough to take on such a point in relation to ethics - it's too intellectual - it's too vast" I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting point of self judgment for the reason/decision to NOT write a blog I forgive myself

I am continuing here from my previous blog, Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation and I am going to apply self forgiveness for the points I see are within the writing. What I first see is, "I noticed one being's blog and then another's, connected these two blogs together and according to how I saw/defined them, from there decided I "wanted" to write a blog" This indicate my starting point for 'wanting' to write a blog was within desire - and what I am coming to see/realize/understand is that desire stems from, or comes from the starting point of fear. And when I look within myself, in that moment, yes that is where I was 'coming from'. I reacted to these two blogs sitting next to each other. lol - sounds ridiculous, but from there I compared myself, assumed something,  projected some alternate reality within my mind and then decided, "I must write a blog." Because I did not like what I was 'seeing' as my r