Day 79 "If I do this, then I will feel gooooood!"

This blog is in relation to a point I see within myself, wherein I will 'need' something, such as a motivation, to move myself. Specifically it's when I am faced with a resistance to do something, and I have, in that moment a choice to make - either walk through the wall I have created, or give in, accept it and just give up on the task at hand, in the moment. I can see where, one of the "reasons" or motivations I use to "push through the resistance" is a reward for completing a task, such as "feeling good about myself for getting this thing done".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energetic experience within myself of "feeling good about myself" when I am faced with a resistance to doing/completing something, as a reason/purpose for me to get this thing done - instead of it being a decision within and as myself as self honesty of what is required to be done in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience to "pushing through resistance" as once done, and walked through a point of resistance, go into my mind and praise myself for being "so good" for facing and not allowing a resistance, revealing to myself that I am still a slave to energy, wherein I have not yet made the decision to walk through my life as me, yet require some kind of energy/feeling/emotion as a reward for doing such things that are necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the positive energetic experience of "I am so good for pushing through a resistance" when I am faced with a task that I react to, such as having thoughts about not wanting to do it, and doing it later - to in that moment, separate myself into the future moment of walking through the resistance, and completing the task, and imagine the nice feeling I will experience within myself for doing that, and thus within that, making the decision, because of the reward, to walk through the resistance - instead of stopping myself in the moment I see myself wonder into separation of the mind as a future projection, breathe and make the decision within self honesty of what is necessary to be done, without the desire/need/want for some kind of reward - revealing here the true nature of my living - within self interest of "what I can get from this" and not at all unconditional in my expression of doing something without needing something in return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do only that which I will receive something in return

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept self interest within who I am and how I live, instead of the unconditional expressing of life, here in each moment of breath, without needing anything in return

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only give if I am able to get something back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the positive polarity of "I feel good when I push through a resistance", also exist within the polarity play out of, "when I don't push through resistance, I am a shitty person... I am so bad at life" - instead of equalizing both within myself, realizing that the 2 are only creating conflict and friction, and thus revealing that energy and polarity of life is not eternal, is not stable, as it does not exist within consistency, it is always fluctuating from one polarity to the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define "pushing through a resistance" and the positive polarity of "good" and "not pushing through resistance/giving up/giving in" as "bad" and to thus exist from one extreme to the other within myself, instead of realizing Life is not polar, life is here, stable, consistent as each breath and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live life as polarity, instead of life for real, as stability and consistency as each breath

When and as I see myself facing a moment of resistance, and I attempt to go into my mind to play out the situation of "If I do this, I will feel good" as a way to seek a reward of 'feeling good' if I push through a resistance, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness that in that moment, I am creating separation, by not breathing in self honesty in making the decision to not allow resistance to direct me, and in stead desiring a reward for my daily responsibility and thus I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself for seeking self interest as a reward for what I do in this life, and instead give unconditionally of who I am within all that I do

When and as I see myself participating within the positive polarity energy of "pushing through a resistance" of "feeling good about my self" I stop and I breathe and I realize I am not defined by these feelings of positivity, wherein I am only allowing self interest to direct me, as I have seeked a reward, and give it to myself by believing "I am a good person for doing this" without realizing that I DO NOT need beliefs or definitions about who I am in this life, only simple being here, breathing and doing what is necessary to be done

I commit myself to stopping the polarities within myself that say, "when I do this, I am bad, and when I do that, I am good", and instead live without polarity/separation and stand equal and one as life as each breath, stable, consistent and the same, today, yesterday and tomorrow

I commit myself to stop seeking self interest of a reward system for doing things in my life, and allow myself to realize the decisions must be made within self honesty, in directly seeing what is pushing me to do something, and no longer accept such dictation and to instead direct myself in each moment as each breath

I commit myself to no longer needing a reward as a motivation to LIVE

I commit myself to exposing to myself and all how the desire for reward as a motivation for taking actions/living in this world, is the exact same way we exist as the Money system - and thus equally responsible for ourselves and this world

I commit myself to stopping defining myself according to my experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to breathe in self honesty in every moment

I commit myself to stop being direct by my desire for a reward, and start giving unconditionally as who I am as what is best for all

I commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective/commitment application - to expose to myself what I accept and allow as my reason for being, to erase that which is of self interest, and re affirm who I am as life and what I will stand for and live in this life