motivated me, wherein it had become more of a struggle to do things during me day, and in looking at when this specifically started I noticed it was exactly the day I went back to work.
So I was looking at this point within writing today, and I noticed this point within me of how I, in an attempt to not create an uncomfortable experience as work - such as being tired, or physical sluggish, I resist doing anything really during my day. (I work evenings, so my days are usual open.) So I attempt to preserve as much energy as I can the days I'm working, in hopes of making it through the evening shift as stable as possible.
Though what I create is, when I absolutely have to go out in the day, like for instance yesterday I had a commitment a couple hours before work, that kept me out of the house until I was done with work that evening. By the time I was heading home, I was quite physically exhausted, had a headache, and overall was not feeling good at all. Though I can see this has more to do with the ideas I create around how my experience is going to be when I'm busy on the days I work, rather than the actual activities causing the exhaustion. So basically - because of how I react to how I expect to feel (tired/exhausted) at the end of the day, I actually create it as the mental activity is more strenuous than the actual physical activities.
So an interesting pattern I can see I've been creating for myself for quite awhile though more obvious to me now because I had that time off for a month, where I was basically running around everyday doing things I wanted to do, and things I needed to do, yet completely satisfied and stable throughout it all. Whereas now, with only being back at work as the point of change, I changed. The way I direct myself during the days I work changed quite drastically to how I direct myself when I'm not working.
Another aspect to this is how I see when I'm at work, and say I'm tired, or physically uncomfortable within myself, I feel trapped in a way - like I cannot just go home, and lay down and rest. I'm at work, and must finish the shift before I can do anything else. So it's like wanting to prevent this experience of feeling trapped when I don't feel my most stable physically. And in an attempt to prevent this, the days I work, I will not dare exhaust more energy than needed, but in turn create days where I feel like I'm not living my utmost potential, or enjoying my life even. It's like I compromise a day of my life, simply because I have to work, and fear that experience of being physically tired while at work.
So something I will now practice - stopping the belief that just because I'm out and about, away from the house on the days I work, or busy with things at home, that I will automatically be tired and exhausted by the end of my work shift. When perhaps if I was not reacting as the emotional experience of fear, worry, resistance, and avoidance, I wouldn't be using the energy needed to create a consistent stability within myself physically. After all - our mind activity takes physical resource as well. If I'm consuming energy to fuel my minds emotions and reaction, that utilizes the resources that I could have for the physical labor of my job.
I will continue with this in tomorrow's blog...
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