03 November 2016

486: When Driving Becomes Personal - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 20

Today as I was leaving a grocery store with my dad, I was waiting in the car at a cross section to turn left. The car to my left had the right away, but waved me to go ahead. I looked quickly to the right as I was already accepting the 'go ahead' and as I am mid way through the intersection, another car is closer than I realized, and I basically cut the person off. That was totally my bad... a mistake, of course that I did not mean.

I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the person I just pulled in front of flipping me off. I turned around waving, as if to say I am sorry - I see what I did, I apologize, it was a mistake. I felt very bad, and nervous and slowly anxiety started to grow. I was nervous about how this person took my action - the flipping off implied they took in personally, and I thought "I wish they could understand it was a mistake, and I didn't mean for it to be an attack against them, or to some how try and get in front of them.' If I was paying more attention, and noticed the car, I would have been glad to wait my turn.

But I didn't - I was moving too fast, without seeing all the environment, and thus a miss-take was made. I also realized that while this person took my actions while driving personally, I too take other driver's actions personally - meaning I do believe when someone cuts me off, or is moving to slow, or is riding my tail, or doing anything that prohibits me driving the way I want, that it's deliberate... meaning - I take it personally.

I have quite the driving character - wherein I will deliberately slow down when someone is too close to my back, or I will ride someone's tail if they cut me off to get in front of me. I THINK they are doing something deliberately, within awareness, as like something against me. When really - chances are most cases are accidental or without any awareness at all... like it's not specifically towards me. Just like today I did not drive in such a way to deliberate cut someone off. Even though they took it as though I did.

So I must realize that everything is not about me, lol - drivers on the same road as me are not zeroed in on what I'm doing, and moving according to what I am doing - as like deliberately trying to slow me down, or imply I'm not going fast enough. It's not about me. I just make it about me within my mind. I must stop taking things personally while driving - rather slow down and be aware of what I'm doing when I'm driving as to not cause an accident, or unnecessarily cause friction or a reaction within another.

I must realize that while I DO act sometimes in ways that are deliberate when driving, If I allow this, I cannot expect another not to allow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive without awareness as not slowing down, and being aware of all cars on the road, and where/how they are moving to ensure I do not cause an accident or mistake that could have more severe consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others when they take my driving personally as if I did something to deliberately piss them off (the moments I'm not being deliberate), or to 'put them down' or 'in their place' as if I'm the best - fearing conflict within another towards me and not wanting them to be upset and understand rather that I did not do anything intentional to piss them off (this time).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and  understand that while I'm not intending to cut anyone off or piss anyone off with my driving, my 'no intending' is exactly the problem as my intentions and awareness is not in the moment as driving according to what is best for all... observing and seeing all cars in the area, and driving within the responsibility to ensure I don't deliberately or not deliberately cause an accident

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other people's driving personal as if they are deliberately driving to piss me off, or to cut me off, or to slow me down instead of realizing that when I am in their shoes, I want others to understand I am not doing anything specifically towards them, as my starting point, and so not to assume someone is doing something deliberately to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful within my driving wherein if someone is too close to my tail, want to slow down to piss them off or to 'teach them a lesson'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make driving become personal wherein I go into little wars and battles within my mind towards other drivers - judging them according to how they move, and assume they are doing to me what I do to them which is drive within spite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself while driving - almost like needing a drama to entertain myself with, and so the car on the road, and other drivers becomes my active entertainment to keep me preoccupied within thoughts, and emotions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the want to create conflict while driving,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how they drive instead of understanding that perhaps they simply made a mistake, without intending to, as I have done myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others think about me in relation to driving - fearing to piss others off

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to become more directive in my driving as being completely and absolutely aware of each moment, each movement of the car as to ensure I am considering others equally as I would like to be considered from them - thus walking the principle of do unto another as you would done unto yourself

When and as I see myself fearing other people getting upset with me, and interpreting my driving as a personal attack against them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I can do more to ensure no accidents or mistakes as becoming more aware of myself, the moment and movement of the car, and to ensure I am driving in ways wherein I consider others and so I commit myself to practice slowing down while driving, ensure I am making moves that consider others on the street, and is within a point of responsibility for the lives in my hands as myself and others

When and as I see myself reacting to other's driving as a personal attack against me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that while I've made mistakes while driving wherein I did not intentionally mean to cut someone off, or do something to compromise them, or get ahead of them, I too should realize that others will also make mistakes on the road, and not intentionally mean to cut me off, or compromise me, or get ahead of me. And so I commit myself to stand in their shoes, and not assume others are doing anything deliberately against me, and it's not personal towards me.. so I commit myself to not take driving personal

When and as I see myself driving within a starting point of spite, as to deliberately not consider, and be rude while driving as if to teach another driver a lesson as a reaction to how they drive, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this mini-drama I'm making up in my head is absolutely useless, and not real at all, and I'm just participating in an illusory reality within my mind, and projecting it unto my reality. I commit myself to realize that the wars and conflict I create with other drivers is not actually about them... but revealing I'm actually going to war and conflict with myself and so I commit myself to investigate where I'm going to war with myself, and for what reason.

I commit myself to stop using other drivers as a source to project frustrations and anger

I commit myself to not use driving as a way to harm others, and act out behaviors of the mind

I commit myself to not drive within spite

I commit myself to be more aware of myself while I drive

I commit myself to stop creating friction within myself, and others while I drive, as not participate in the drama of the mind where I take other driver's personally, and create a scenario where they can take me personally

I commit myself to realize and walk the responsibility I have within driving, and so be considerate at all times of others on the road, as I would like others to consider me on the road


























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