27 October 2016

479: Reliving the Past - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 13

Today I was looking at the point of fitting in. I was working on a DIP Pro assignment - specifically some memories from the first time I drank alcohol. I was with some friends, in high school, and I defined one of them as so cool, and I really wanted to fit in with her. Based on this desire, I then acted in ways to ensure or to attempt to ensure that I 'fit in'. So that is what the memory was revealing - this nature of wanting to fit in with others, and within that, a fear of not actually fitting in, of being inferior, and less than others.

What was interesting that this specific memory I was working with was showing how I have, for a very long time, participated and lived out this self-definition as this fear and desire because earlier today I faced that very same point again.

My partner and I went to a 'power luncheon' put on by the local commerce group, and it was held at the Fairmont Hotel. It was quite a fancy lunch - very nice, with a spectacular speaker regarding social ethics and change, and different aspects of how our perception can be influenced and formed, and why, socially, we defend certain ideas despite facts or research to suggest otherwise.

Anyways - it was not something him and I have done before, but seeing who the speaker would be, and the subject matter, we thought it would be en engaging discussion. It was also a point of getting out and meeting more people in our community, and of course, networking.

Though, almost immediately upon arriving, seeing the space, and the set up, and with the idea of "these are all business owners", I felt quite intimidated and inferior. I perceived the people there as 'upper class', and I felt almost inadequate being there, because firstly, I am not a business owner (yet), and I don't have much experience being around a lot of successful business owners. So I felt a bit out of my element, and comfort zone... but really, that is why we went.

What I faced was the core fear that I saw again in working with my memory form high school - this fear of not fitting in. I didn't fit in at all, or at least that is what I decided was the case, and from this decision, tainted with fear, I saw myself close up and invert quite drastically. I really couldn't speak, or move, I was almost stuck where I was - afraid to do or say anything that might 'give me away'. lol - it's a bit uncomfortable at the thought of publishing this because it's like exposing a vulnerable point within me... a weakness, a fear, with the idea that if I expose this part of myself, others might assume the same belief about me. Well - just goes to show.. it's actually my self-definition, and I have no control over what others think about me. It's how I think about me that matters.

So yes - I faced this fear of not fitting in head on today, and while I am not satisfied with how I directed myself, in that I allowed this fear to influence me and my behavior, it was a direct look at a pattern I've still accepted and allowed to exist within/as me, and so it's now an opportunity to release from myself, and change within myself.

People are people - no matter what job they have, how much money they make, their level of education... people are inherently equal in their value as simply being a human being... as being life. It's the ideas we then form about ourselves, and so others, that influence how we see ourselves and others, and that's where we create separation... inequality... more or less beings... superiority, and inferiority. When in fact... those are just constructs. They are not real.

Something I must let go of, as it's so dis-empowering. I am essentially giving the power and authority to others to determine whether I'm acceptable or not, or whether I 'fit in' when in reality, I must accept myself. I must fit with myself in the sense of, be content and satisfied with who I am, comfortable within myself, confident in my ability to direct myself within my utmost potential. If I am not doing that for me, then yes of course I will always seek out something external to do that for me. But alas, that is why we have self-forGIVEness - where self can give back to self those missing pieces we've placed outside of ourselves.

I will continue with this tomorrow...

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