30 June 2013

208: Do You Even Hear Yourself?

A point I would like to give direction to is 'who I am' at work. Specifically this is in regards to the communication - or rather the spew that comes out of my mouth and others while "communicating" at work.

I see how much lack of awareness and self responsibility exists, within me, when I am at work. The words that come out of other people's mouths and my own is astounding. It's like there is absolutely no consideration for life or humanity existent within our words, let alone awareness of what our words actually imply and how they so nicely reflect the reality of ourselves as what we have created and allowed ourselves to become.

I saw the point of responsibility to 'put a guard' over my mouth before I speak and for awhile there I was actually walking this application and would not allow myself to participate in certain types of conversations - such as gossip or back chat dialogue - where it's like whatever comes up in people's mind, usually the most vulgar stuff - just comes flying out of their mouth and I would not participate. I would not respond. Because from my perspective it's the ego's voice that has no substance or worth in the actual physical reality. So I would stop myself. And I would not say anything.

Slowly but surely I see myself and how I have come to 'just accept' the conversations in my work place and 'play along'. In those moments there would be like a, "ah - what are you saying - why are you participating... what are you doing" and so there was like a deliberate 'knowing' that I should not be participating in such conversations and yet I found that the desire to 'fit in' and 'belong' was greater than my will to stand within principles and integrity.

Really it was like I just stopped caring; stopped caring about myself as 'who I am' within the responsibility I have for the words I speak and what I accept and allow through the types of conversations I participate within. Because I see judgement for others words within me - knowing that it is so limited and unproductive and abusive in nature. Judgments of this is useless and abdicate my power of responsibility and change - so that must stop. But I also see how I almost like 'gave up' in trying to stop and protest of not participating. It was like I was taking a stand, but I did not see any effects of it, or I started seeing the effects of building relationships with people I work with and so within this - wanting them to accept me and thus would allow myself to 'get closer' through communication - but the communication I would allow myself to diminish within and as the words I would speak and the types of conversations I would have with others.

More so even, now I see within this, that the point that played a major influence is that when I would stop myself from participating in certain conversations or if a being would say something to me - seeing and realizing that what they are saying is not something I would want to participate within - I wouldn't know what to do. In that moment it was like I was 'expected' to speak - they were speaking to me and thus I 'must' respond. Or at least that is the reason and the accepted ways of humans interaction with each other. Like no matter what one would say, the 'rules' 'are you respond.  So when I would find myself in those moments,it would be like a "ah, what do I say - I do not want to participate but yet they are waiting for a reaction or response" and in that I didn't want to cause conflict or feared what they would think of me if I said nothing - or fuck, even the idea of standing up and speaking self directive words as a statement of who I am and that I will NOT participate in such conversations or see there is no value in what is being said - that I would not do. And so instead of facing these moments within myself - in fear of 'what to say' or how another would react to me according to what I decide to do in that moment - I allowed myself to fall and simply go along as that was somehow 'easier' then standing up.

I see this is unacceptable and not how I want to live and see that is does not support a world where beings stand equally responsible for who they are, as thoughts, words and deeds and so time to direct myself in giving myself solutions within this. To map out for myself what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow and who I will be in such moments in standing within the principle of self honesty and self integrity and the realization that all are one as equal and thus who we are is always reflected in our words and if we dare to start HEARING ourselves we would realize how much we are not HERE - we are so separated into our minds and anything/all things that come up as the vulgar, unworthiness we have created ourselves to be in relation to life - to ALL of life.

So the point here is to take responsibility for who I am as the words I speak, the communication that I participate within and basically what I am supporting, creating and manifesting as the acceptance of how people interact. Gossip, talking shit about others, complaining, blaming - these are all points that are unacceptable within communication as the point is NEVER about another - it is ALWAYS self - existent within and without and so that is the gift I must realize. I have the ability to change who I am in how I live, what I speak, share and say and I no longer accept myself to limit myself to be a portrayal of my mind as my ego that only sees self interest and separation towards others and life as a whole which takes on the nature of abuse of life.

I will continue with self forgiveness in the posts to come.


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29 June 2013

207: A Slave to Feelings and Emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on the responsibilities and commitments I have made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on certain responsibilities and commitments in my life because a new 'focus' has recently opened within my life that I define within my mind as 'better' and thus desire to give it more attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this one point as more than the other things in my life - where I judge things in my life according to the experiences I allow within myself that produce good or bad feelings and so according to this reaction - to an energetic reactions based on definitions and perceptions in my mind - determine what I will give my attention and focus on and within this define some things as responsibility and commitments in my life that I have been walking as not good enough, in producing the 'feel good' feelings that I am seeking for and thus based on this, want to give them up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way where feelings decide my life - instead of me deciding my life - where I have abdicated my ability to reason within common sense as what would be best for me within my life and instead trust the 'positive/negative' feelings that come up seemingly out of no where - yet are sustained within me according to self definitions and how I define other things within separation as either 'positive or negative' or 'good or bad' and so within this limit things within my world and reality to one point or the other, instead of stopping the judgments - stopping the 'need' for an energetic experience that I enjoy more than another - where I actual fear one of them, obviously the negative, and thus desire the opposite - the positive and so within this - allow this to direct me in how I make decisions within my life and ultimately what I spend my time on in regards to my attention and focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings (positive energy) and emotions (negative energy) to guide me throughout my life - instead of asking, but is this really me? Aren't my emotions and feelings influenced by memories and past experiences? Aren't I then always existing in the past and never present, here, in/as each new moment as each new breath? And so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to question every feeling and emotion that I experience that then determine the decisions I make in my life - in what I will walk in my life and how I judge or define some things as better than others and allow this to be the reason I do things or not or where I give my attention and focus to - according to how they MAKE ME feel - revealing it is not a self directive expression/statement of me here, I am just allowing myself to be a slave to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the things in my life that I want to 'give up on' as 'boring' and that they have 'run it's course' instead of realizing that I am simply using this as a justification to not take responsibility for the commitment I have made within such a responsibility - where instead of investigating myself in what I am accepting and allowing, such as not giving my all within these points and basically saying I don't really care about these things as it clearly shows in my actions - instead think I can just 'give it up' and not question myself or who I am showing myself to be in such a decision as my living actions

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to complete anything I have attempted to start in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the loss of interest I find myself now experiencing in relation to certain points within my world - where before it was like so cool to be doing these things and I told myself I enjoyed them - but now I am within a negative experience of thinking and believing these things are no longer enjoyable and finding any excuse I can give myself to justify WHY I am losing interest - realizing it is because a new point has opened within my life and now I define that to be the only thing that matters and thus just want to give up the rest - which is a pattern I have played out time and time again throughout my life and so see this is a cycle I must stop, as it's not a self directive cycles - it is according to who I define myself within energy and how energy moves me to make decisions in life according to positive and negative experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up within these points of responsibility and commitments within my life as a deliberate ways to not stand up and take responsibility for myself within these points in my life - instead of changing ME within WHO I AM in/as these responsibilities and commitment realizing the 'problem' is not these points; not outside/separate from me here - and to instead just walk a way, throw in the towel and give up - realizing here that this is not the process I am walking - I am walking a process of self transformation and thus here I am faced with a gift - and opportunity to change me within this experience I have accepted and allowed to influence me within myself and my life - and so I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize and see and understand the moment I have here as support to change myself within these points of responsibility and commitment - to STOP what I have been accepting and allowing and to instead CHANGE ME to no longer require energy to move me or to influence what I do in this life and instead direct myself in deciding for ME, without energy as positive/negative experiences, who I am in each and all things I do in this life and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this desire to not change, because instead I want to just give up and walk away from these points I have justified to be 'not good enough' to give me the feel good feelings I am looking for, instead of questioning and investigating who I am within this - what am I accepting and allowing and WHY am I allowing feelings and emotions according to memories and self definitions within my mind to direct me, instead of me directing me in looking at what is practical for me in this life that will best support me to walk my process and the commitment I have made in this life to create myself and a world that is best for all and stop giving into energy to be my master - I commit myself to stop being a slave - I commit myself to STOP and Stand Up and be the authority I require to see what I am accepting and allowing and to no longer participate

I commit myself to look at the things/points within my world within common sense and practical considerations within physical reality - no longer allowing the illusions of emotions and feelings that are simply illusions that I create and exist within/as my mind - to determine how my life will go, as I see/realize/understand that to allow illusionary things to direct me is quite insane, as I can stop them in ONE moment, as ONE breath thus proving they are not REAL and so I commit myself to get real with myself, assess my world and reality - see what would best support my world/reality and me to function within what is best according to what is currently here and THEN make decisions that will determine how my life will go

I commit myself to grounding myself within/as physical reality with the support of writing, breathing and self forgiveness to see past the energy as emotions and feelings that throw me in all directions without being self directive and instead get back to reality, consider within common sense what is practical for me in my life and in this PHYSICAL reality that will produce an outcome that is best for me and all




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28 June 2013

206: Do we Care About those that Go Without their Basic Human Rights? Or Just Ourselves?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a limited version of myself wherein when I am faced without a basic human right, such as electricity - to exist within loneliness and isolation and not once consider this as the reality for many other people currently existing on this same planet as me - wherein they constantly go without basic human rights, such as electricity, and that is "just the way it is" and so within this - never question and wonder or contemplate why the hell I would have this type of right and others do not and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider electricity a basic human right as a comfort and practical tool for efficient living on earth once it is removed from my reality, where I no longer have access to it, and only then consider this is the same for many others who are not in the same position as me - where I am comfortable within the current economic system as I have money to ensure I have electricity - others do not have such a means or are born into a position that does not allow for this access and so seeing the inconsideration of my existence as I do not question our world and reality and the current lack of basic human rights that exist for all because I DO have access to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, 99% of my time, not care about others who go daily without basic human rights, such as electricity, and only consider them when I find myself 'in the same boat' - revealing that humanity seems to require consequences, here in/as their reality, as the suffering that exists for so many on a daily basis, before we will start to question what is actually going on in this world and dare to stand in the shoes of another and consider solution that would be of support and honor to all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the rest of humanity while I am comfortable within the current economic system - where I have a home and electricity to light my room and turn on my computer and cook my food and all these things I do not really see how it functions or how it has become a means of separation and isolation for so many other people where they do not have access to such a lifestyle - and I am not even living the 'good life' in that I have money to support myself, but I cannot afford to splurge on things unnecessarily and yet even my life is elitist as I have the comforts and support of basic human rights such as electricity and others do not and this is unacceptable and should be daily within our  awareness as finding a solution as to no longer exist as a careless humanity but instead a giving humanity - considering others as ourselves and ensuring ALL are supported and comforted within this world

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to whine and complain with having no electricity for only three days of my life - wherein I think and believe "my life is so hard" instead of standing in the shoes of people in this world that must face this daily because our current economic system does not provide our rights to life and the support of practical tools for efficient and dignified living such as electricity and because people within the comfort of the current economic system do not dare question the reality that is here for ALL and not just ourselves - because we do not question or understand what is actually going on in this world and how it is functioning and how we support it's existence through our daily lives and participation - nothing changes, because we have not yet realized WE must be the change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer being protected by the safety bubble that money has provided me within this cruel economic system - where I basically was born in the 'right area' on earth where I have the necessities of life and do not have to taste the harshness of what is actually here and within this can turn the other cheek and not dare question our current economic system because it feeds me and no way can you bite the hand that feeds you and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear challenging the system that is here that produce and support inequality in all ways and simplistically by not providing ALL with the right to life within basic human rights where all are provided within the means necessary to actually live a life of dignity and no longer within fear or resentment because imagine how one must feel being 'cut off' by the system - where they do not have access to electricity or clean running water or a food supply -  living in the slums of the cities and seeing how 'the other side' lives - imagine what one would do to ensure their survival and how one must feel in seeing that those of us that actually have the means to create a system of worth for ALL do absolutely nothing about the rest of humanity - one would perhaps questioning the true nature of humanity and see we are not actually humane

When and as I see myself feeling safe and secure within my protection bubble of money and losing sight of what actually matters in this world, as the rest of humanity and what is here as the manifestation of "humanity" as suffering, abuse and neglect - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of my self interest comforts of life and realize that without money I am equal to those on the 'other side' of the same coin - those that live daily without support as basic human rights - and so I see/realize/understand my responsibility within the position I find myself within our world - I have resources and access to human rights that allow me to live and thus it is my responsibility to become aware and directive in being the change - within and without - in stopping the experience of isolation for all and bring humanity within the awareness of what is here as our current world system - and what it produce and who we are when we turn our cheeks - I commit myself to getting to know our current economic and social structures as the world systems to be able to find practical solutions in changing what is here into what is best for all as I see/realize/understand that to be able to live comfortably and not questioning why others are not able to be equal in the same comfort is a crime against life and actually turning my cheek from  myself as life and so I commit myself to stand in the shoes of ALL that is here and give to another as I would like to receive and love ALL as myself in no longer allowing my self interest and fear becoming the one that suffers due to our accepted economic structure, and instead face it and question it and expose it for the harshness, careless reflection humanity as become.

I commit myself to educate myself within the resources I have available so that I can never claim ignorance but instead to be a voice for the voiceless and realize that until ALL are free, none are free and so I commit myself to produce myself in such a way where I am able to give others a life I would like for myself, which is one with basic human rights that produce a life of dignity and honor - with the ability to Actually Live and exist with all of humanity where no one feels left out or abandoned, but instead ALL here, sharing in the life equal for all

I commit myself to investigate and understand solutions such as the Basic Income Grant and the Equal Money System proposed by the Equal Life Foundation as REAL solutions that are practical and will inevitable change what is being accepted and allowed on earth within realizing the ONE POINT that directs and influence ALL of humanity and our experience here and who we are is MONEY and so learn how to remove the abuse within ourselves in relation to Money where we use it as a blindfold to not have to be responsible for how it allows some to suffer and go without their right to Life and turn it into a support structure that allows ALL to LIVE here - as their birth right and so I commit myself to standing with/as a group that will GIVE to ALL their right to Life, as Basic Human Rights and never again allow myself to separate myself from the Life that is Here in fear of facing what I have created - instead I stand responsible, educate myself and position myself to be fully effective in/as this world in creating what is Best for ALL



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26 June 2013

205: Loneliness Coming Out of the Dark (Suppression)

June 23rd, 2013 - Another night without power in the house

Alone in the Dark

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to go home because there is no electricity and the darkness reminds me of loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone without electricity – because within this I feel alone, I feel lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize the loneliness that exists within me and only now see it triggered through an outside/external force that reveals to me the loneliness I have within me – realizing that it’s not my environment that ‘causes’ the loneliness, but it is in fact existent within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on my routine, which is supported with electricity/power for when I come home – within this, defining the things that I do as a normal routine as my comfort and companion and to within this suppress the loneliness existent within me in using this routine for when I come home as a distraction from facing me – from facing my self honesty that I am alone and lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am not lonely through creating a routine and structure out of my day that I use to distract myself, to ‘keep myself busy’ to not have to face the reality of myself as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe if I am alone then I am lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use outside external stimulus as a way to hide and run away from the loneliness within me – keeping myself distracted with the various ‘tasks’ I have given myself as my routine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘not myself’ when my routine is disrupted and feel as if I cannot function as I normally do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my life according to the routine I have created for myself and thus when that routine is disrupted feel as if I have been disrupted - instead of realizing I am still here and thus not defined by my routine - but only through/as the acceptance within myself that i Have created to/towards it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loneliness within me and thus attempt to hide and not face this loneliness through resisting going home – where there is no electricity – there is no internet, there is nothing I can do as my ‘normal routine’ that keeps me busy and distracted from having to actually face myself and deal with what is actually here as me such as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress lonliness within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not being able to act out the routine I Have created for myself when I am at home – where I use many things ‘outside of myself’ as a way to keep myself busy and distracted from myself so that I do not have to actually face myself, where I do not have to get to know myself because I fear myself within what I have created such as loneliness – within this realizing that once I face this, I will have to change this and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change the experience of loneliness within me and instead attempt to run away from it as if thinking that “it’s not here’ instead of realizing I am only suppressing it within me and ‘saving it for later’ where eventually I must face it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency upon my routine while I am at home, and once this routine is disrupted, feel like my life has stopped and I cannot move instead of realizing the opportunity I have now to actually face myself and the points coming up within me such as a dependency to a routine wherein I think and believing my world has stopped because I no longer have it – instead of realizing what has stopped is the distraction and ignorance I have been attempting to exist within – now being faced with the actual reality of myself as being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not have things to do as how I define ‘things to do’ that matter, such as my routine – then I am not living and I am not ‘connected’ to others and thus feel lonely and isolated

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not lonely or feeling isolated – yet within this suppressing the actual experience of myself through creating outside/external activities for me to constantly be doing and thus when that point of routine is removed or disrupted, face the actual reality of myself as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand what I do within suppression - where I push down points of self honesty that I do not want to face, such as loneliness and think and believe I do not have to sort this out - instead of realizing the influence loneliness has on my life, as it's still here within me, I have only attempted to bury it yet not actually removing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be at my house, because it’s like ‘nothing is here’ within not having electricity – I can no longer participate in my usual routine and thus have to move myself in deciding what I can do with what is here yet resist this – this point of self change and self expansion as self movement where I am supported to realize that I am not defined by the routine I have but who I am within what is here – how my reality changes and how I am able to move myself within it, realizing that if I resist this change, then I am resisting myself and attempting to hold onto a self definition of myself that is limited to that which I do not want to let go of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define loneliness within/as darkness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life according to being able to move freely as I would like with electrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and irritated with the fact that I have no electrity in my home

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to realize the frustration and irritation I experience is NOT about not having electrity – it is about not having my routine – my distraction – my suppression supporter where I do not have to actually face myself as loneliness and can instead distract myself with little activities here and there that I do to ‘keep myself busy’ as to not have to actually STOP and be HERE with myself – in facing myself as the loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a routine out of my life within/as the starting point of/as fear – fear of being/facing me as being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word lonely with a negative charge and to within this – attempting and seek ways to always avoid loneliness in fear of the association and experience I have attached to it within/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear being lonely is to fear being alone and to fear being alone is to fear myself and to fear myself is to fear being all-one and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with/as myself as the actuality of myself within/as every moment as every breath - I am always alone within who I am as what I accept and allow as the nature of me - as the expression of me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do not have anything to do now that my ‘routine’ has been disrupted

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life has stopped because I no longer have my routine to depend upon to move my life and so within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to move myself according to a routine instead of/as self honesty – here, as breath as self movement within/as physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability to self movement to be within/as a routine I have created for myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here as self movement with/as each breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the support I am being giving in this moment as having to face myself and the gift of being able to move myself without needing a routine to move me or my life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the support I am being given in realizing that I require to STOP and reassess what I have been accepting and allowing as creating a routine as a way to abdicare (abdicate) self responsibility within self honesty to take a real good look at what is going on within/as me as now I am faced with this loneliness in which I did not realize was here until this point of dependency as my routine was removed and so the picture as the veil being removed I see what is actually here- behind the picture – and it is me, within fear of facing my loneliness

When and as I see myself attempting to suppress, hide and run away from points of self honesty within/as me such as being lonely - I stop and I breathe and I embrace myself in such a moment, embracing me as who I am within/as loneliness in no longer running away from myself, but instead turn and face myself, face this loneliness - get to know where it comes from and why I allow it here as an underlining experience of/as myself as I see/realize/understand that suppression does not mean it goes away, it means I give it more power to influence without my awareness and actually learn to not trust myself as I do not trust myself with this loneliness and instead think and believe I have to bury it within me - instead I commit myself to investigate all points within me, such a loneliness, that i have attempted to suppress within myself in not wanting to face it - not wanting to actually face me - I commit myself to face myself in/as writing, within/as my journey to life - to see what is here as the actuality of me in all aspects, parts and dimensions so that no experience 'comes out of no where' and takes me over in a moment where it's like "where did this come from" - instead I commit myself to get to know myself in all ways, to be able to change and direct myself in ways that are always best for me and best for all and no longer allow suppression to exist within me as I realize it's not going away, it's only being put off for later - which is like, why wait - and so I commit myself to embrace the points that come up for me in each moment as the process of getting to know myself and how I Have designed myself and learn ways to change myself where I am no longer a slave to outside/external forces that I depend upon for a certain feeling or experience or method of suppression and instead stand here, clear, in absolute certainty of who I am and as self trust - trusting myself to be in any situation knowing that I am able to stand self directive in each moment within who I am as each breath and so I commit myself to walking this process of becoming self directive of/as myself and no longer influenced by the experiences I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to bury within/as myself/my mind


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24 June 2013

204: STOP

*This blog was actually written the night of the storms, Friday, June 21st.

Let's be honest. Not only do I require to stop this fastness character at work because self honestly - that is not the only place this character exists. Obviously, I am this and it's not actually the environment - it is me.

I have written a bit about this speedy being I have a tendency to go into, and what I now realize is that it's only something I am now becoming aware of. Meaning - I have always existed as this 'fastness character" but only now am I seeing the patterns and cycles of it and the points that trigger it's activation.

My fastness comes from an extreme energetic high. When I perceive or react to something within my reality as something 'good' or 'positive' - or to be self honesty, the one thing I have always believed I wanted in life - then I am like on cloud nine, way ahead of myself, on top of the world and flying like superman at lightening speed.

At this moment I am sitting in the candle light. The power is out and I am writing these words with a pen, which I seldom do. And still this 'fastness' is here. Like not only do I require to slow down - I require a complete stop to really SEE what is going on within me.

I was just discussing this with another in how we think we must move so fast in our lives - that we must, as quickly as possible, "get the job done," or get to our destination, meanwhile we miss so much that is right here, in front of us. And actually we miss ourselves; who we are and what we have become and what we are actually doing and accepting and allowing in our rush to some finish line.

Life is not a race and yet we are the Human Race and in our race we have yet to face what we are creating as our World, in our rush to some illusionary reality. There is nothing for us in the future if we do not STOP and see what we are doing here, in this moment, in each moment as that is what creates the path to where we are heading.

So for me - it has taken wind, rain and "lights out" for me to actually consider stopping. Who knows if I would of if the storms that came through my city didn't - although reveals the storms moving through me. The high I exist on, the energy, the power I depend on, as the feelings that drive me forward, are not sustainable. I will eventually have a 'black-out' and be brought back to reality - to the actions I live in every moment that is creating the life that I am and the life that is here for all.

So am I being considerate or am I being selfish - selfish because in my positive-driving fastness character I am consumed by my own desires and pleasures, sustaining the existence of our consumerism world and not seeing the real matters at hand - what truly matters in our World.

And our words only hold so much weight when they are not lived. In fact, we just become the waiting words on the fast track to destruction because we do not care enough about the rest of our reality - only our motivation that keeps us getting out of bed each day. And these are according to self interest definitions. According to what I define as "good" and "positive" and worthy and valuable to me - Usually according to how it makes me feel. I will be content in not questioning myself or anything of this world for that matter.

What is required of me? To STOP. To Stop and SEE who/what/where I am and what I live as my physical actions each day and ask myself, "Does this action as acceptance add to the equality equation as accumulating myself and my world into the eventual manifestation of a world and a life that is best for all?" If not - why am I accepting and allowing it? What value, as the hold it has on me, have I given to it to where I cannot STOP and direct myself in ANY moment. What is my actual starting point for living? What is my driving force? What is pushing me and where do I think it will leave (lead) me?

Obviously these questions indicate the lack of awareness as the realization that it's ME. All of my own accepted and allowed self definitions as my relationship to ALL that is here. So time to STOP and get real with myself and stop thinking the negative is more apparently the points to sort out. It's the positive side of the same coin that is the most dangerous - as one becomes blind and misses Reality completely.



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22 June 2013

203: "Lights Out" for Reality to be Faced

I am typing these words at a coffee shop next to my school. I cannot recall writing even one of my blogs at a coffee shop. The reason I haven't is because I have internet at my home and so in the comfort of such space and the protection of money, I am able to sign online at any moment I choose and move about how I would like with 'free' access.

The reason today I am sitting in a coffee shop to write this blog is because last night my city was hit with two extreme storms. It did not last long but the effects are still being felt today. Winds tore down trees, power lines, street lights. The city turned to black and the night was just starting.

I awoke this morning in hopes the power had returned. It had not. Daylight revealed the effects of the storms to be much more clear. Street upon street have been blocked off; trees on houses and in middle of intersections. More than 200,000 Minneapolis residents are without power today, and the news is telling us some may not have it back until Tuesday.

It's interesting the dependency we have created to electricity. I mean, it's not even a dependency, so much as a necessity. It provide a more comfortable life; a more efficient and practical life even - yet what this storm - mother nature - is showing me through this experience is just how much we take for granted and even fail to recognize that a basic human right, such as electricity, is not provided to All. And for those of us living the cushy life, where we are accustomed to such a thing - don't realize the difficulties within life when one does not have access to such a basic thing as electricity.

I came to a coffee shop and to no surprise, so did the rest of the city. Everyone plugging in their cells phones and computers and tablets - making sure they are 'charged up' and with power. It's interesting to hear so many gasp at the situation - how 'hard' it is now that we are without power in our homes and what an inconvenience we must adjust to in order to make sure 'our world' moves smoothly.

We don't realize that half the population exists as this. And it's not the electricity they desire to charge their phones; it's to heat in their homes or to power a generator or to cook a meal. I mean - we have no clue the luxury we are living in in contrast to what the reality is for the rest of the world.

Not until it is here, in our faces, shaking up our world and taking the rug out from under our feet, do we only begin to taste the harshness of our reality we have created ourselves within.

What is the bubble we have protected ourselves within - to not have to feel the effects of the 'real world' as the nature that moves without our consent? Money. We have Money to, even in the midst of a storm that takes out our ability to cool our food, or to write with a light on - we can still get in our cars and drive to the other side of our city to sit in a coffee shop and write a blog.

So it's fascinating the moment that is here for me and the other residents of my area. "Stop" and take a look at what is actually going on in this world. We are not the unfortunate ones. We are the spoiled ones, because in our comfort zone built with money, we do not have to give a damn about those that do not have the same structure. They are 'out there' in the 'real world' facing the brutality of our current, uncaring economic system and the empty words of apparent Basic Human Rights. Maybe in the middle of all of this we can stop and consider what really matters and the responsibility we have with the 'freedoms' we experience with our access to resources, all coming from our ability to spend money, what we must do to ensure we create this for All. Where no One must live without the comfort of a life supported, honored and dignified. The ability to actually give to themselves a life we would want for our own.

Or we will get our 'power' back  - return to our (ab)normal lifestyles of ignorantly chasing our next energy fix; where our individual pursuit of happiness trumps the concerns of the rest of the world. What is in our Nature?

Investigate the Equal Life Foundation and Basic Income Grant as proposed Solutions to our current condition on Earth, where we have conditioned ourselves to accept that humans do not in fact receive their basic human rights and those of us that have them, do not give them to others equally as we would/do for ourselves. Be the Change - Be the Solution - Get to know Our World and Stand/Walk until All are Free to Live Here.


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20 June 2013

202: Directing Myself within the Part I must Play At Work

This is a continuation of the previous post in regards to the 'fastness character' I must embody while in my work environment and how I saw myself carrying it into a moment that it was no longer required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive principle of myself when/as I see I must embody the 'work character' in which I must 'be here' and move quickly and swiftly and absolutely clear of any thoughts as distractions in my mind as I see/realize/understand the necessity for a smooth and effective work shift that allows me to support myself financially, yet I also see realize and understand that this work character must be able to be turned off when I am no longer in that environment and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to be directive in turning on and off the work character as the fastness I must act out to function properly within an equally as the fast work environment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, when taking a moment to step out side and sit down and be present, here with myself, in the environment as my physical reality, to carry and allow this fastness character that is practical for my work environment, to still run and not allowing myself to be directive in stopping/turning off the character as I no longer require it in the environment outside of my job

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fastness character outside of my work environment, when I take a break outside to be in the sun and sit down, as the physical movements of turning my head, fidgeting and looking around - like I am still in the work environment assessing and considering 'what must be done', not realizing that I am here, in/as a new moment, in/as a new breath that I do not require to 'take on that part' as the fastness character, instead I have a moment to give myself a moment to slow down, stop and breathe and relax my body as giving it physical support and a break from the physical labor I must do in my job

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not be directive principle of/as the fastness work character when I see I am leaving my job, as I see I continue to exist within this point - physically acting out ways in which I must while I am working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself when/as I am outside of the work environment that requires me to act as the part as a 'fastness character' in which I must be moving quickly and swiftly in order to do the job effectively and to within this not allow myself to let go of this character outside of it as it is no longer required outside of the work environment and so in general I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to exist within a 'fastness character' outside of physical environments that require it of me within consideration of practical reality, and to instead allow it to exist within/as me within/as my mind wherein I am in this constant 'go, go, go, do, do, do' experience where everything is moving super fast and yet the physical reality that is here surrounding is not requiring that role of me - and so here seeing the responsibility I have to assess my physical reality in acting in ways that support me effectively within all types of environments and to be able to 'change' from the perspective of what is required of me in each and every environment and thus able to adapt and change and not limited to one type of being but instead directive in seeing what is necessary from me, within awareness, as what is best from/as me to produce the best results in each environment

When and as I see myself acting out the the role I must play while in my work environment when I am outside of my work environment, as the fastness character, that has no time to stop or slow down, but must move, here, assessing what is necessary in each moment to have an effective work shift that produce financially that which supports me in this world, as fidgeting and moving and not be able to 'sit still', I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to give myself that moment with/as myself as physical support for/as my body, in allowing myself to let go of the fastness character that is no longer required of me when/as I am no longer in that work environment, as I see/realize/understand that if I am directive principle of myself then I should be able to turn off or on this character in one moment as a decision I make, but if I allow myself to carry this character outside of my work environment, without my awareness, then I am just a slave to the experience or role I must play, and instead I commit myself to become self directive and aware of what is required of me within each moment as each environment I walk into, to either 'take on' this fastness character to be able to function effectively in my work environment to produce the best result, or to simply stop in the moment I no longer require it in realizing that I have that ability and so I commit myself to become aware of myself when I am leaving work, to turn off this character in no longer carrying it with me as in my mind, where I exist in the constant state of assessing and considering 'what must be done' and thinking and believe I must 'go, go, go, do, do, do, move, move, move," but instead allow myself to STOP, BREATHE and SLOW DOWN in being here with/as my physical body and no longer in the various parts that one must play and instead  I commit myself to become directive principle of/as myself in assessing what is required of me as the physical movements and considerations that I must make in order to function effectively in each type of physical environment, able to turn of the 'parts I must play' in one moment as the decision I make of who I am in each and every moment and thus no longer allow it to run automatically without the awareness of myself here



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18 June 2013

201: Turning On and Off the Work Character

The other day at work, I took a moment in between shifts - meaning, I was working a 'double shift' where I was working both the morning and afternoon/evening shifts at my work, which can be quite a long day for my physical body considering the nature of my job being physically demanding. Anyways, about the time the morning shift was ending and the afternoon/evening shift was beginning, I stepped outside and took a short break.

While I was enjoying the ability to sit down and be in the sun, I found myself experiencing myself 'very fast.' Where it's like I was constantly looking around me, and I was fidgeting and I was experiencing this 'rushing' feeling within me where the only way to explain this would be to say I was not slowing down.

What I saw in that moment was carrying the 'experience' of my job/work with me into that moment as 'my break.' I work in a restaurant and the environment in general is 'fast paced' where there is like literally no time to think about anything - you must just being 'going, going, going', doing what you need to do for your guests and with managing multiple tables, it can get quite crazy. It is cool support in terms of there is no room for me to be in my head, I must be 'completely here' and focused on what I am doing and what I need to be doing in order for my shift to run effectively and ensure I am providing the service the guests are paying for - obviously one mistake can cause a ripple effect/consequences on all the other tables/guests I am taking care of and so here prevention is also the best cure - to ensure the shift run as smoothly as possible.

But as I was saying, the environment is very go, go go - rush, rush, rush, - move, move, move. Again this is cool in terms of the nature of my job because my ability to get paid/support myself financially is determined by the guests, and so the busier it is, the more people are coming in and the more opportunity I have to make money. However, in that type of environment, I have found it is very difficult to 'slow down' and be aware of myself breathing. Like generally during the shifts, when it is most busy, I am not aware of my breathing. It's only at the beginning of my shift or as I am walking out to my car at the end of the shift do I remember - oh yes, breeeeeeeathe.

So what I found in that moment of 'taking a break' the last time I worked, is while I was sitting there - not doing anything, just sitting there and taking a moment for myself in the sun, this experience of how the work environment runs was still 'with me'. It's like who I am at work; constantly considering what I must be doing, what needs to be done, who needs what, etc was still active in me. Like I could not slow down and this 'fastness' as my experience was coming out physically, in moving my head in all sorts of directions, looking at people, looking in one direction and then the next. Crossing my legs, then uncrossing my legs. Adjusting myself in my seat. It was like I could not STOP and just breathe and let go of this fastness that is my work environment.

So this was interesting to see, how in that moment it was like I was carrying with me the work character I must embody to ensure a successful shift - where I see it's necessary for me to go into 'that role' in order to make the money I require in order to support me in my life, but as I was sitting outside, all I showed myself in still displaying that 'fastness character' was that I was not directing the 'on/off' switch - if that makes sense. There was no reason or purpose for that fastness experience while I was sitting outside. That was my moment to take a moment - as in take a breath and bring myself back to myself in SLOWING DOWN this speediness I must assume at my job. When I saw this, I went to breathe and found it was quite difficult at first, like I could not take a deep breath into my belly, but they were shallow and in my chest only. So had to take a few of these at least before I was experiencing my actual breathing as the whole being of body.

Alright, I will go into some self forgiveness in the post to follow.


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16 June 2013

200: Reasoning with Myself for a Dishonest Starting Point

Continuing on with the Self Forgiveness process from the writing of Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation. 

Here I am looking at a statement that, as(at) quick glance, seems 'innocent' - yet when I look further in my writing, I see this specific statement, "But as I was doing my work this evening, I saw that I was doing a lot of reading, and it was getting late and while considering the different points I could write about - ultimately I decided I would not write a blog." The reason this statement stands out is because later in the this blog, I go on to reveal my 'real' starting point - so this statement here above is the justifications and excuses I was giving myself in attempt to 'make okay' and validate the 'real' starting point.

So this is cool to see because that is what the Mind tends to do - give us points to consider that seem practical, yet what is lying behind this justifications, that make it sound 'so right' in our minds, is the truth of ourselves, as 'where we are coming from.' So it's key to not trust the thoughts in our mind and to investigate or look deeper within ourselves to see what we are attempting to hide from ourselves through/as our justifications. Because as I said, this statement looks like I was being self honest in my consideration, yet I was not. I was just giving myself excuses as to why I was allowing the starting point of self judgment to be the reason for not writing a blog, but I made up these thoughts as a means to make right what I was accepting and allowing. So tricky and deceiving actually - because we are in essence lying to ourselves, because what LIES behind these considerations is the truth, and if self dare to see, it is clearly here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use 'I have been reading a lot tonight' as a reason, excuse and justification for not writing a blog, instead of realizing this is just a smoke screen I was using to cover my eyes from seeing the truth of myself in what I was accepting and allowing as the actual starting point for NOT writing a blog - which was in the nature of self judgments and inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use "It is getting late" as a reason, excuse and justification for not writing a blog, in attempting to fool myself with making myself believe I was being practical in my considerations instead of realizing that that is not a valid reason to not make a blog - I was going to stay up and do other things anyway and so the fact that I 'tried' to make myself believe that I decided to not write a blog based within the idea that "it's getting late" is just bullshit and was attempting to hide/not face the reality of the starting point from which I was moving/deciding to not write a blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself in thinking that when I am giving myself excuses as to why I cannot write a blog, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the starting point must be clear and within self honesty and the reasons i have given to myself of, "I have been doing a lot of reading tonight" and "it's getting late" are not valid from the perspective that what does it matter how much I have read - how does that determine whether I am able to write a blog? Or that it's getting late, that is an excuse I have used time and time again to justify myself falling in not walking the commitment I made in walking a blog daily for 7 years, as the Journey to Life, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and question myself when I see myself justifying why I will not write a blog, and ask myself if they are valid in terms of actual physical reality considerations, or if I am just attempting to validate and hide the real starting point as not taking self responsibility for myself and thus become self honest with myself in these moments to ensure that I am not allowing myself to not live up to my full potential as giving myself excuses and justifications for the limitations I place on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question every single thought or idea that pops into my head instead of questioning everything/all of it as I have seen/realized/understand how manipulative I am within my mind in keeping myself trapped within a limited expression of myself, where I allow myself to believe I am not capable of moving beyond what i Have accepted as my nature and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust one single thought or idea that pops into my head that tells me "I don't have to write a blog" and instead investigate and look behind these thoughts or ideas to see what is LYING behind the justification and get to know if it is actually valid or not, as I have tricked myself one too many times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of myself through thoughts of justification and excuses and reasons I use to justify why I am not writing a blog and instead stop and look within myself, within that moment and see if I am hiding something, because in my experience I usually am and so instead of allowing the 'just fucking up' as justification - I face the truth of myself as the real reason I do not want to write a blog and no longer trust the smoke screen I play in order to 'make right' my decision for not writing a blog, or for writing a blog even and ensure I am always pushing for self honesty in every moment as to not fuck with myself in self trust, because if I continue to exist in a starting point of separation or self judgment or abuse or limitation, then I prove to myself that I cannot trust myself and if I continue to accept the thoughts that come up telling me why I can or cannot write a blog I am also not trusting myself as I prove that when I am influenced by these thoughts or ideas, then I tell myself I am not willing to direct myself, to see more of myself, to see deep within myself of/as what is actually here as the starting point of who I am

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts or back chats of "It's getting late and I have read too much tonight/done too much work tonight" or any other statements I give myself as the nature of 'reasoning' why I cannot write a blog, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, within self honesty and take a moment to look at what I am actually saying to myself and question whether it is real or not or if I am just fucking with myself as lying to myself in hiding the 'real reason' I do not want to write a blog as the starting point from which the decision was made, as I see/realize/understand that by the time I am feeding myself with excuses and justifications as to why I cannot do something, such as write a blog, I know I am already past the stage of deciding that I will not write a blog, I have already created who I am as the starting point and have moved from this starting point and now am at the stage of 'making right' the dishonesty I am actually accepting and allowing as a starting point of separation and so I commit myself to slow myself down in these moments to check within myself the 'real' reason I am attempting to hide, as to why I decided to not write a blog - see what is lying behind the lies as excuses and justifications I am giving to myself as to not write a blog and in that moment become self honest, trust myself to see myself for real and to take responsibility for the creation of myself as accepting and allowing a starting point of/as self judgment, inferiority, separation and abuse and instead commit myself to 'clear myself' from/as the starting point with either writing, self forgiveness or breathing to bring myself back to actual physical reality and no longer allow myself to exist in thoughts that I make myself believe are considering practically what is best for me - instead I find out for myself, through/as physical reality and the process I walk of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements - no longer allowing myself to manipulate myself but instead walk the process of developing self trust through trusting myself to become self honest with myself in seeing and getting to know what lies behind the picture or ideas or thoughts I show myself within my mind - getting to the truth of me



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14 June 2013

199: Starting Point for NOT Creating a Blog

Continuing here from the original blog I started in this series, Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation.

I am looking through this blog and addressing each point I see requires alignment with self forgiveness. I started this process in yesterday's blog, Day 198: Starting Point for Creating a Blog.

I am going to jump ahead in the original blog with the point of, "as even in consideration of writing a blog about the 'ethics experience' I have been having - within looking at that, I went into self judgments as not being 'clear' on what I was seeing, and from that starting point - made the decision to NOT write a blog. Within the the starting point that "I am not good enough to take on such a point in relation to ethics - it's too intellectual - it's too vast"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting point of self judgment for the reason/decision to NOT write a blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self judgments of myself in relation to ethics as a topic/points to open within myself in a blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'not intellectual' enough in relation to writing a blog about ethics - instead of realizing that the level of one's intelligence really has nothing to do with one's capabilities of growth and prove that I have only inferiorized myself within defining myself as 'not intellectual enough' as seeing one being 'intellectual' as greater than me and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less then one who I would define as 'intellectual' as one being able to dissect and deconstruct ethics as it currently exists within our world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before I begin in relation to writing about, opening up, understanding and getting to know ethics as a study that currently exists within our world and even plays a role to a certain extent in how policy and politics move and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to get to know 'what is here' as our current world system through the belief and self judgment that I am not 'intellectual' enough to understand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ethics as a study and philosophy from which some of our current world systems function and move - as being more than me, more than my ability to see/realize/understand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I am not capable of writing about ethics within my blog and from this self definition - of not being 'intellectual' or the subject being too vast, move from this starting point to not make a blog and so within this accepting myself as a limitation, as not understanding, as a slave essentially as I am saying 'this thing/ethics is more than me, I can never understand thus I shall not even 'go there'' and so I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enslave myself to my own self created limitation, instead of realizing that all it requires is my willingness and self direction to research, learn and understand what is here and with the principles in which I am able to apply within myself and in the education process - actually see 'what is here' as ethics within common sense, thus redefining it/seeing it within actual physical reality as practical solutions that can be applied as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I was not 'clear' in what I was experiencing in relation to my ethics class - as this 'vastness of blankness' - think and believe and actually accept that that experience was real and thus I must accept it and not question nor challenge it and thus forever limit myself to my own self created experiences, instead of investigating within myself, with/through writing, to see what it is I am not 'clear' on and find ways to become crystal clear in the study, to actually be able to stand equal to it and thus direct it, as I direct myself, within common sense perspectives that can be used/applied into practical reality living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my self worth or self value according to the experience I have towards/in relation to ethics as a subject and to within this, define myself as 'not good enough' to understand the subject in all it's forms and so within this, accept this as the starting point for not even attempting or trying to investigate it, get to know it, understand it and align it into the context of practical physical reality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define ethics as a subject as being 'too vast' as being 'too much' to know and understand and so within this, feel like "I can never understand this, I am not good enough/intellectual enough' to understand this instead of realizing that I am simple reacting/accepting such an idea according to my own perception - how I see myself in relation to ethics as a subject, and so it's not 'ethics' that is 'too vast' - it is me within my own self created limitation of what I am or am not capable of and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own perception or self definition of who I am in relation to ethics, define it as more than me and then accept this through/as reacting to it and then allow this to be my starting point for not 'taking it on' within my blog

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define self value and self worth according to one's level of intelligence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intelligence in separation of who I am here and place more value on the idea of 'what it means to be intelligent' instead of common sense as what is best for all in practical, physical reality

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and others according to their level of intelligence, instead of realizing that none are equal in their education process because of our current accepted systems of inequality, where according to the money you have, defines your ability to be educated and thus intelligent in this world and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that intelligence does not define who a being is, but is a tool to be used to get to know what we have created in/as our world and how we are able to change/transform it into a system that is best for all - where all are equal in their ability and support to become education, to become intelligent, to be able to live and express and get to know themselves and our world equally - all with the ability to grow and expand

When and as I see myself defining myself according to 'intelligence' and seeing myself as inferior or less than or not good enough to investigate, research or get to know a certain study, such as ethics, and allow this to be my starting point as a decision I make to do it or not, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself, back to the point of clearing my starting point in no longer accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to my own self created definition as limitation that I believe determine what I am capable of in this world as getting to know what is 'here' as our world; how it functions, how it operate, what sustains it such as the philosophies and principles of ethics within seeing/realizing/understanding that until I stand equal to such a study or subject, as being crystal clear in it's functionality and influence in our world, I will be forever enslaved to it and so I commit myself to stand equal to ethics as study/subject through allowing myself to investigate, research, dissect and deconstruct it to be able to see it within common sense physical reality context, as what is best for all, seeing how it can be redefined into a livable solution for all and no longer something that some might fear in defining themselves as 'less than it' - instead I commit myself to let go of my ideas of myself as being 'intellectual' or not and instead realize that within willingness and self direction and the principles of self honesty and common sense as what is best for all, I actually have the ability to see, grow, expand in my understanding about what is here as our world and so I commit myself to walk myself in my education process within the principled starting point of 'what is necessary to be done' in terms of getting to know our world, it's systems and how it effect the lives of all, to thus be able to change/transform it into a system of life support - where all are able to exist equally within the ability to grow, learn, express and LIVE


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198 - Starting Point for Creating a Blog

I am continuing here from my previous blog, Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation and I am going to apply self forgiveness for the points I see are within the writing.

What I first see is, "I noticed one being's blog and then another's, connected these two blogs together and according to how I saw/defined them, from there decided I "wanted" to write a blog"

This indicate my starting point for 'wanting' to write a blog was within desire - and what I am coming to see/realize/understand is that desire stems from, or comes from the starting point of fear. And when I look within myself, in that moment, yes that is where I was 'coming from'. I reacted to these two blogs sitting next to each other. lol - sounds ridiculous, but from there I compared myself, assumed something,  projected some alternate reality within my mind and then decided, "I must write a blog." Because I did not like what I was 'seeing' as my reaction, yet I was validating my reaction because I accepted it, as what I saw, accepted it was real and that point alone moved me to write a blog - to make myself more than another, to ensure I was visible and was not out of sight, meaning - I went into competition with another in attempt to 'win' something. This something is ownership and possession. Wow - a lot here in just one statement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself when seeing two blogs in my daily blog list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automatic response as a reaction within my mind when seeing these two blogs in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ideas and assumptions about the two blogs in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and alternate reality as a 'hidden meaning' of seeing two blogs in my list and from here go into fear, fear of how I was associating/connecting the two blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as I write these self forgiveness for the points I see within/as myself within this point - judging myself as silly and ridiculous for having these reactions - instead of taking responsibility for myself and not judging myself, but accepting what I have created as me and walk the process of self forgiveness and self correction because I see/realize/understand it is ridiculous to have such reactions - to have the existence within my mind as a view point and assumption for every little thing that I see - so I do not judge myself, instead face it with self honesty and walk the process of correcting it so it longer influence/exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I was seeing within my mind as the reaction to seeing two blogs in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a connection between the two blogs I was seeing in the list

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the connection I allowed as how I saw the two blogs in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into jealousy as a reaction for the two blogs I saw in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move into comparison as a reaction to the two blogs I saw in my list

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to formulate a self definition of myself as 'who I am' within reaction as jealousy and competition in relation to the two blogs I saw in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then move into competition when seeing the two blogs in my list

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was losing something within how I defined/saw/perceived the two blogs in my list and from here attempt to 'win back' what I apparently was losing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within competition, desire to win that which I believe I have ownership of and is my possession

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened within/as a reaction in my mind in seeing two blogs in my list

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to, within this 'feeling threatened', want to assert some kind of power and thus leading to the decision as my starting point to write a blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the starting point of jealousy, fear, desire, comparison, competition, feeling threatened and thus attempting to assert my power

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a  blog within/as a starting point of separation as dishonesty - as I was clearly not self directive in the decision to write a blog. but instead fighting for my perceived survival as my ego in how I define myself and others

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the starting point of fear - fear of not being visible or not being seen and how others might see me because of this

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the desire to present myself for others to see/perceive and define me as something in separation of who I really am

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the starting point of jealousy, in being jealous of another being for writing a specific blog and to within this, want to write a blog out of my jealousy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the starting point of comparison - as comparing myself to another being and their blog as seeing them as 'better' than me for writing a specific blog and it's placement within the list and from here decide I must also write a blog in attempt to 'bring myself up' and 'not accept' the feeling I was actually accepting as feeling threatened

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the starting point of feeling threatened, where through my acceptance and allowance of jealousy and comparison, feel I was being threatened, instead of realizing it was all in my mind - it was not real at all, I was making it all up, yet I validated this existence as me through moving myself from/as this starting point of 'feeling threatened' and so attempting to regain my perceived power I thought I was losing in the experience of being threatened

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to write a blog within/as the starting point of competition - in thinking and believing I must 'win' as being better than another through/as my blogs, instead of realizing that I am only trying to 'get back' the power I believe I have lost, but in fact given away through my own acceptance of competition as creating conflict within myself towards another and not allowing myself to realize that this it NOT what my journey to life is about - yet it is about seeing/facing this within me as the nature I have accepted of myself and to no longer allow it as the statement of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not clear myself as the decision, each day, I make to write a blog, as a self commitment within my self agreement in walking my process of self transformation - so always moving myself within a point of self directed honesty as self movement to be here for me, to support me, to change me, to get to know me, to change my nature as what I have accepted and allowed as I see/realize/understand that what exists within me in not what is best for all or best for me or best for others, it is of separation, self interest and deceit and so I commit myself to walk my process of investigating myself as the starting point of who I am in each moment as each decision I make to take an action or not, to speak certain words or not, to be who I am that is of/as the starting point that is always coming from what is best for all, as self honesty, self directed equality and oneness here as each breath.

When and as I see myself moving myself from/as the starting point of fear, desire, jealousy, comparison, competition, feeling threatened and an attempt to assert some kind of power as proving myself to something or someone, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to move from/as these points. Instead I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to clear myself with either writing out the points or applying self forgiveness or breathing myself until I see that that is no longer the reason as the decision from which I move as I see/realize/understand that the outflow consequences of this only support and perpetuate the current existence/nature of myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, which is of separate and self dishonesty and so I no longer allow myself to move from this point, instead I commit myself to walk my process of self investigation, self forgiveness and self commitment to always move myself within/as the starting point of/as principles that are best for all within realizing that if a reaction or feelings or emotions or ideas or anything that is of the mind is moving me that I am just a slave and not self directed as me, here as the breath of/as life, and so I commit myself to bringing myself to the point to always stand within/as the starting point of life of equality and oneness as the decision I make in this life to commit myself to this process, to this journey back to the original starting point as the creation of myself into/as this world and change it to be that which is in/as the starting point of real life, here in this physical reality, equal and one with/as all that is here



Featured Artwork By: Kelly Posey

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