15 November 2013

273: Points of Anger, Impatience, Blame and Comparison

I am continuing here from the previous blogs - 271: Stuck in the Mind and 272: Our Responsibility to Become Self-Aware. I am going to proceed with reviewing the initial blog in this series and open up some more points I wrote out about this particular moment I had in my car.

The next point here would be where I write specifically,

"While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was like, "No - I can't do that - it's red" and I reacted to her not realizing the situation that I was 'stuck' where I was. But then I got frustrated because it was like I didn't want to sit there, in her way and waiting for the light - so I said 'fuck it' within myself and made the turn. In that I reacted thinking she thought I was dumb and stupid and imagined her making a comment or having her own reactions about me and what just happened."

So there are a few points here in this paragraph that I can have a look at. The first would be this point of reacting to the women in feeling like she wasn't considering the situation I was in and was expecting me to do something that I couldn't do (or that I hadn't considered myself due to my possession within the mind) and so I reacted as a way of blaming and becoming angry with her for motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. I interpreted her action in a negative ways, where I thought she was annoyed with me and had no patience with me. I became upset because I felt as if she didn't realize I was 'stuck' where I was. The other point here would be the reactionary action I took of saying 'fuck it' to myself and made the turn in a way out of spite, like fuck you, fuck this, I will just go even though I don't think I can. And then actually a third point here would be the then reaction I had as the imagination/projection of thinking she was judging me as being dumb and stupid and thinking negatively about me and what just happened.

Okay - so I will start with this point of feeling like this women was not considering me as seeing where I was in the intersection, like thinking she should be able to read my mind and how I experienced the situation of being stuck, that she was telling me to move without realizing that I thought I couldn't. So in this reaction, a form of blame - blaming her for telling me to go without considering that perhaps I couldn't and also as interpreting this action of telling me to go as being negative, that she was annoyed with me, that she didn't have any patience for me in that moment.

Bringing this point back to myself, I can definitely see where recently in my life and basically throughout my whole life, where I am not patient with other people. I do not consider where they are within themselves or within their lives and react to them as wanting them to 'move' at the speed in which I think 'they should'. This might be an expectation I have on myself or a judgment I have on myself as how I should be moving in life, or what I should be doing, but instead project it onto others and when they do not live up to my expectations of them, I become impatient and reactive and basically want to push them to a point where I am satisfied that they are doing what I want them to do - they are seeing or realizing what I am wanting them to realize. It's like I am not taking responsibility for living up to my own expectations of myself, living up to my own potential in moments and instead of investigating and correcting this point, project this unto others and expect 'them' to move quicker, see more clearly, be more aware of their situation.

So definitely a point of separation and abdicating my own self responsibility to myself and what I am doing to others within this. Also I would say there is definitely a point here of not being patient with others and so perhaps myself as well. It's like I expect instant perfection from someone without considering the time and process it will take to get them to a place I consider they could be  - or you know, perhaps it's not really about where I think others should be. This is obviously about where I think I should be or see I can be and yet still not pushing myself or giving everything I do in my life 'my all'. But definitely a point of not being patience, I can see how that clearly comes through in my immediate relationships with family and friendship relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the woman in the intersection when she was motioning me to go and make the turn as firstly, defining her actions as being negative and upset with me and to within this react as the back chats of 'she's not being patient with me' and 'not considering the situation I am in' and "no - I can't go, it's red', so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this point of self acceptance that I've participated within my own life of not considering where others are and giving them the patience to get themselves to a point of awareness or considering their situation for themselves without my expectations or need for them to move a particular way or manner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own expectations of myself that I see I have not yet lived up to absolutely and completely where I still give in to my own limitations and not giving my all as really pushing for my potential in moments in my life and things I do in my days, unto others, where instead of investigating and correcting the points within myself where I am still limiting myself and not living up to the expectations I see I am able to live, blame others for not doing this themselves and then become reactive as blaming them for not moving or acting in ways I think they should

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of myself as what I am actually accepting and allowing as not giving my all within my life and as who I am within my own process and self development through placing expectations onto others and when they are not moving as I think they should, go into blame as becoming impatient with them instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that I will NEVER be satisfied with myself if I am always expecting others to change or to move as I think they can or at the pace in which I think they should because I am not addressing the actual problem as the source of my experience - which is me and where I am still giving in as not giving my all in every moment of my life and within all the responsibilities I participate within such as school and work and my own process and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide out from the self responsibility I have to myself, as myself, within my own life and who I am in each moment within all that I do as thinking others 'should' move or change instead of being the change myself realizing that is the only place I can implement real change that I can trust and count on - me, here, self first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with others when they are not moving or doing what I expect of them instead of realizing it's me that is not moving and doing what I see I can expect of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with myself when I see I do not move or do in ways in which I see I can expect of myself and that is simply in every moment doing what is best for me as what is best for all, such as becoming disciplined and diligent in my days in doing that which is necessary to be done to create and sustain an effective life for and as myself, where I do what is required of me such as homework and self education and research and being at work without back chats or reactions, sorting myself out to clear myself so that I can stand equal to every being and not be pre-occupied with judgments and/or desires and instead here, self directive in every moment to do that which I see is necessary for me in this life and that is to support myself to become directive principle of me within/as awareness as life in equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect of myself a change within myself within the starting point of judgment, judging myself for who I've been and who I see I am in moments and to within this decide, "I must change and I must move quickly" instead of slowing myself down to ensure I am moving at a practical pace in which I can ensure I am always within the starting point of self honesty as the breath and not within fear as energy as a reaction of a judgment or blame towards myself, realizing I cannot change me until I accept me as who I am here in/as this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to change through comparing myself to others and to within this, judge others as better then me in life and in process and to then within this, desire to be more then myself and better then the definition I have accepted of myself as not good as others and so I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize this process is about getting to know myself, learning to take care of myself and changing myself in ways that i see are best, without judgment or blame or impatience or comparisons, but instead from a starting point of realizing that there is no right or wrong way in how to move within my life or in my process, there is only moment to moment application where I have an opportunity to change myself and make decisions about what i do and what I give my time and attention to that determines who I am and what I can/will become

When and as I see myself reacting to others within my reality, within a form of blame as anger and impatience where I am expecting them to do and act and move in ways I think 'they' should - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to me, here, as my body, within/as awareness and to the realization that I am projecting my own self onto them as I see/realize/understand that it's never about what 'others' are doing, it's always about myself and so I commit myself to, when I see myself reacting to others as blaming them for what they are doing or how they are moving or not considering within their own lives, I bring this back to myself and see where/when and how in my life I am accepting and allowing that exact same point as myself and so I commit myself to stop projecting myself unto others and instead use the gift of support others are as a mirror for me to get to know myself and learn where I am still not yet standing as the potential I see I can/am able to

When and as I see myself giving in, in moments as not giving my 'all' within every moment that I am able and within all things I am currently participating within my world such as school, work, my own process and the day to day tasks that are necessary to be done, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself, within/as awareness and as the realization of what is necessary to be done and that which I should be expecting of myself as that which I am able to do in every moment as the responsibility I have to myself - to never allow less than who I am here and always push for a better version of me, guided by principles of self honesty and to do what is best for all/me so that I am never not satisfied with myself but always content in knowing I am doing all with what i Have and with where I am to become directive of myself in all ways

When and as I see myself moving into wanting to change myself and place expectations on myself of how I 'should' move in my life and in my process, from within a starting point of judgment or comparisons I stop and i breathe and I bring myself out of the possession of the mind as a character this creates for me to step into - when I react to myself and then think "I must do to make up for this" - I flag this as a creation moment for a character and so instead I stop and I breathe when I see myself wanting to push myself unrealistically and within the energy of impatience and judgment and blame and instead slow myself down with/as breath and work with what i have here in the moment  as myself as who I am and what is here as my reality - realizing that I must equalize myself with space and time which is walked within/as breath and so I commit myself to develop the patience and the discipline to not push myself unnecessarily yet always moving myself in the direction that i see I can move into and stand within and responsible for - always giving myself the opportunity to expand myself within me and within my life



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