I recapped the points that I placed in the blog and so here I will take that first line of what I see was the cause/source/origin for the reactions and experiences I have been having the last few days and specifically what triggered the anger and rage within me.
"I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy and not good enough."
I mean this is clear to me that due to this acceptance and allowance as a self definition of 'who I am', I have created all sorts of relationships and play-outs in my life that were perhaps preventable; causing myself unnecessary strife in accepting such an idea about myself and then actually believing if another offer this to me, it would be real and make 'okay' the already established self definition of me. Obviously it can't, it wont and it hasn't.
So what I am looking at here is - where and how does one come to accept such an idea about self? That I am not good enough and unworthy. Of whom? In relation to what? I mean it seems so vague and general and so one could say it's the nature of the world we live in. Where money defines your life and the value of the life you live - because let's get real - the more money you have the more ability you have to 'live' the type of lifestyle that is portrayed in this world to be the life WORTH living. Ah - so that is interesting - I mean how many people feel unworthy and not good enough because of the amount of money they don't have? How many people define myself according to the type of jobs they have or the level of education they have? How many people have simply accepted their position in this world, whether it be one of the richest people or the one that starves and because of the way that we have designed this world - where we say money matters and money defines your life - how many question 'where' they are and use that point as a measure of self?
I would not be surprised if many felt this way - they were not good enough, because despite our efforts or willingness even to be in this world, educate ourselves, work 2 or 3 jobs - we are still barely getting by and the more we buy and try to fit into the picture that is presented of the 'good life' - we just can't seem to get there - it's like we are never enough - it's never enough; our efforts to purchase the life we see many live and that we so desperately believe we want. Thus I mean it becomes obvious how one would, in a world such as ours, see themselves as not good enough or not worthy enough - because we see images and movies and stars and glamour and fashion and all these things of the rich and famous that tells us what is good, what is valuable, what is worthy. And we accept this and look outside of ourselves to 'find it' - the perfect partner, the perfect hair, the perfect body, the perfect clothes - anything we can do to just fit it - to be good enough, to be worthy enough.
But alas, it's not real. The dream we are chasing - the product we have been sold. The life has been a lie and it's sustained through the suffering of many. The ignorance we allow within ourselves in such participation makes us equally as responsible as those with the millions of dollars or even our political leaders - who within the power positions they have, are not doing a damn thing to actually correct our world; to stop the inequality, to end the starvation, to end poverty, to end war - to stop the children killing themselves because they can't seem to fit into the picture that is presented to them that says 'when you look like this, you are good enough... when you are acting like this, then you are cool enough... when you make this amount of money, then you've made it...' I mean we can stop these unobtainable goals that have no actual real substance in this world... we can stop the beliefs within ourselves that says we are not good enough as we are; that we need all kinds of things outside of us to feel okay with us. We do not require anything actually - that is not currently here as ourselves - to determine who we are and that we are good enough or worthy. The fact that we are living, breathing beings - we are the value of life. The fact that we are physical and our physicality in this world being our equality gives all the equal value of life. The moment you enter into this world; that first breath - you are defined as life. That first breathe is the proof of who you are - that you are life and that is an equal value all share.
It's the moment we see one as more than another. To define one thing as greater than another. The moment we allow polarity into the picture - the 'good' and 'bad', the 'positive' and the 'negative' is the moment we have lost the point - split actual life into a pretend life where we than cast judgments on all.
It's the moment we see through the eyes of comparison that we allow ourselves to become diminished, limited and separate from who we really are and the real expression of ourselves as life. And have a look - our world is the proof in that. So it really will take each one to stop their own acceptances and allowances within who they are to actually change this world.
And so I realize I must stop my own comparison judgments, my own existence of polarity, my own limited definition of who I am and bring myself back to the real source of myself - which is life and in that, here - as the breath of life - I am enough. And I am worthy. And the worth is determined by who I am in each moment, of each breath - whether I am living in self honesty as who I really am or whether I am cutting myself off from what and where life is truly able to be expressed; and that is here, in/as our physical bodies in/as this physical reality. The moment we enter into our minds that sees through polarity, that sees through comparisons, that sees through judgments - we have separated ourselves and see one as more or less than another and begin the process of self definitions.
What I realize about this whole process of self definitions is it seems to exist only in relation to another or to others or something outside of ourselves. It's as if we are walking around saying, "well in relation to this - I am this, and in relation to that, I am this... and oh, I'm way better than that point.. and oh no, I am not good enough for that point" It's like why the hell do we do this to ourselves? Well - obviously - brainwashing. We have bought into the bullshit that is our world, that is consumerism, that is of consciousness and have lost touch with the actual reality that is here for all and equal as all - that is of life. And so we walk the process.. and I will continue with the process of re-aligning myself to the real worth of life, of me here, in the blogs to follow. Thanks for reading.
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