05 October 2013

254: Self-Created Anger

Tonight at work I saw myself become angry - which I have not seen in awhile. There was like this rage that wanted to come out and the trigger were the words of a co-worker.

The specifics of what he was saying triggered a reaction within me that I see I have been participating in the last few days or weeks even - where I have been feeling unworthy and not good enough in certain moments and instead of directing myself out of this point, I have been looking outside of myself to find this point that says "You are worthy and good enough". Perhaps I was not looking for these specific words, I was looking for an indicator that implied this, something I could use to interpret for myself that "this means I'm good enough and worthy."

Well, where I have been looking for it - it does not exist. Obviously - it cannot exist outside of me and the fact that I am thinking and believing that I will find it outside of myself is a key indicator of why I allowed myself to become angry and rage-full inside of myself.

Throughout my life it has been clear that I have used relationships as a defining point within/for me - relationships to define me as worthy and good enough. When that point is not here, or not 'going' as it should in terms of my collecting this expectation - this point of self definition for me, I react and think something must be wrong.

When really, what I am doing is firstly, defining myself and thus depending myself unto another/outside source to give to me that which I am looking for - which is the feeling of being worthy and good enough. The fact that I am looking outside of myself for it suggests that within me - here as my inner being - I have defined myself as not good enough and unworthy. Here lies the problem.

In my attempt to find this point outside of myself and being unsuccessful - first one defines the relationship to the point in which one is seeking this point of self definition as being 'wrong' or 'something not right' - we begin to question the point that we 'thought' we were to find what we were looking for. Yet, of course, we will never find that which is within us, outside of us and so instead of questioning ourselves in what we are actually doing - we then blame that point that is not giving to us what we are wanting to receive.

Without any awareness of this - without self honesty - one will continue on the rampage of blame and spite towards this point that apparently is suppose to give to us what we are looking for and probably end the relationship or end the connection to whatever it is that is not supplying us with our 'need' for this fulfillment of self definition.

What we fail to realize here is that it's not 'them' or 'the relationship' that is to blame or that we are actually angry with - it is absolutely in all ways about ourselves. So when I saw myself become angry today at work - I was surprised initially at the rage I saw myself wanting to express. It was something I had not seen in quite a while. As I continued working - I recalled the words that were spoken that triggered this  point - and it absolutely was words that I read as me not doing enough, not being good enough, failing even. And I was angry that my co-worker saw me this way - that he spoke these words. And so clearly - I am angry at myself - because I have accepted that within me and through my actions of looking outside of myself to correct this point - this self acceptance, I was implying that it was real and that I actually believed it - that that is actually who I am. Yet I then had the audacity to deny this and become angry at another for mirroring to me how I actually saw myself.

So the anger is at myself, firstly for not stopping myself and investigating why and where I have come to define myself as not good enough and unworthy as this can also be seen through comparisons. Also this point of realizing that I'm angry for looking outside of myself, believing I will find this outside of myself and angry that I didn't.

I mean - it's quite clear that I did all of this to myself - that I am in fact the creator of this whole experience and situation within me. What is most interesting, even after seeing this - this accumulation over the last few days - it's like I still don't want to stop it. I don't want to actually stop requiring another to define me as worthy and good enough, I want this point/relationship to tell me that I am good enough and that I am worthy because I have so utterly defined myself as such in relationships that I cannot imagine being able to do this for myself. Not ever considering that there was a time in my life I'm sure where I was quite content and comfortable with myself - that I did not require a relationship to give to me anything.

Okay - so I am back here writing, I took a few hours 'off' after writing this out and so will recap for myself what I have placed here.

I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy and not good enough.

I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another

I expected another to 'make' me feel good enough and worthy

When they did not - I became angry and spiteful towards them and the relationship and believed 'it' or 'they' were doing something wrong - for not giving to me what I was thinking, believing and expecting them to

I did not direct this point within myself - instead I suppressed it and at work, a co-worker, being the gift they are - expressed words towards me that I reacted to as saying I was not good enough and unworthy - I became angry

I became angry at my co-worker for saying that I am unworthy and not good enough - clearly indicating that I have accepted that as myself. So I was angry at them for mirroring to me my own acceptances and allowances.

Anger and rage then completely at myself for defining myself as not good enough and unworthy, and then looking outside of myself for this point to be defined as good enough and worthy.

So quite a conundrum we create for ourselves because firstly - no one can ever, EVER, give to me that which I am looking for - this self definition of being good enough or not good enough, worthy or not worthy enough, ALL exists within me; how I see myself, how I have come to define myself, how I have come to relate to myself - I mean it's really about this relationships I have with myself. And I have for too long looked outside of myself for my self worth. What I realize is that this is something that has become so automated - so inherently programmed into me as 'how I exists' and 'how I function' and I never realized or even questioned who I have been in relationships. Well now I see and it's my responsibility to stop it. And so I shall because to subject myself to the existence of another or a relationship with another to be my source of self worth is forever enslaving myself unnecessarily. So time to stop and sort this out. I will continue in the following blog.



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