15 July 2013

216: Stopping Addictions = Ending Relationships

I am well into Day 8 of stopping an addiction I once saw as so much greater than me. But man what a cool week I have walked, in stopping and standing up and seeing just how much of a distraction I was allowing within myself as my own addiction. So cool to stop and get back to reality and to the matters at hand.

There is an experience in relation to this stopping the addiction that I want to address - it's like the 'urge' to go into my addiction has become quite less and less, where I experienced it initially as a physical urge, then I saw how it was a mental desire in the form of thoughts and back chats attempting to justify the decision to go back into the addiction. I did not FALL for it.

So the decision still remain and I am still clear in what I must do/walk in order to get myself through this point of no longer being influenced by any point outside/separate from me here through my own participation and creation.

The experience I am seeing now within this - 8 days later of stopping an addiction - is this point of 'missing' and experience of 'loss'. Where it's like I am actually grieving for this addiction I am no longer giving to myself. I experience it like a death. The point will come up quickly and quietly - to go into my addiction - not making a lot of sound or movement within me, but still here slightly and when this happens the following experience is expressed in the words of "I will never have this again", "I will never be able to do this again", "I will never have this experience again", and it's like looking forward to the rest of your life without this one point and within that the emotions (negative energy) is like 'missing' and 'loss'.

And I see how automatically I still become this moment as it arise within me - granted I don't sit and stay in that experience as I realize it's not real, I am just perpetuating/sustaining it through accepting it - so I will stop immediately as I see I go into that experience. However, the point is it's still coming up and I can see how within myself there still exists a point of hope within it.

It's like I lost a friend, a companion - a buddy that I was use to spending so much time with and that gave me special feelings that I become accustomed to and enjoyed - whether I questioned the validity of this experience or not - the point is I created this relationship that I then turned into a dependency that dominated and controlled me/my life - yet that I willingly activated and participated within.

I have not ended this relationship (Interesting point here - I wrote 'not' with the intention to write 'now' and so this reveal to me the relationship/addiction still exists within me, obviously, as I am writing about this point of 'missing' it). I have removed this relationship from my life and the death experience in relation to it is like grieving the loss of my friend, my companion - my buddy that kept me company/busy/distracted.

Within this 'missing' and 'loss' experience of my 'friend' (my addiction) there exists hope. Hope that one day, sometime down the road, perhaps in my future... I can... I will be able to... just once more... have my addiction (hang out with my 'friend'). This is a red flag for me as I see/realize/understand that this is a seed I am/have planted within me/my physical body/my mind that will grow if I do not remove it. It is a weed that will grow and overtake me if I do not address it and pull it out.

So I will do this in the blog post to follow - remove the weed in my mind that tells me one day I will be reunited with the relationship I have given up.


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