222: Denying My Existence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the reactions and internal movements that exist within me as my mind and how I act them out and only once I have allowed myself to express myself as my mind, where I am not directive principle, but simply allow whatever to come up and out to do so – then react for ‘having a mind’ and all these various characters and personalities I go into and essentially 'act' out
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind and internal mind movement as reactions and characters and personalities I present to others and then project this onto others thinking and believing ‘they’ are the ones judging me or fearing they are judging me instead of realizing that I have been judging myself and suppressing who I am as my mind to not have to take an active role in actually investigating myself and facing myself as my mind - actually standing equal to my inner world as my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the passenger seat when it comes to investigating myself and facing myself where I have accepted this belief that I can just simple walk through my days and my life waiting for ‘points to come’ up within me, not directing myself through my mind, but instead waiting for my mind to activate so only then will I face myself – basically creating consequences for myself as allowing myself to be influenced by my mind and then go into reaction for having a mind and wishing I didn't and regret expressing myself as what I did in fear of others judging me instead of realizing that since I started this process I have been like tip toeing around facing my mind and not really wanting to dive in – as what is here within/as me as my mind and just passively waiting for points to emerge themselves instead of directing myself through my mind as taking the preventative measure in not allowing myself to 'act out' my mind as my reactions, personalities and characters that seem to turn on and off at a drop of a hat depending on where I am or who is in my environment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be ashamed of myself as my mind, as the reactions I have, the back chats I have, the character and personalities I go into when I see it 'suits me' to do so, instead of realizing that judging myself, being ashamed of myself and basically trying to deny the existence of me as my mind does not change the fact that there still exists within me a mind that sees and accepts life in separation, where i have not yet established a relationship with all that is here as life in equality and oneness and thus there are movements and reactions that happen within me - and so realizing this is the process that I am walking and have been walking but instead of sitting back and waiting for points to come to me - which is like waiting for a savior or waiting for someone/something to tell me what to do or to direct me - take the directive principle role of actually walking my process, in realizing how simple it could/can be if I allow it of myself, to use daily the tools I have to support myself and no longer allow accumulation of energy to build within me where I then become overwhelmed and find this journey to be difficult
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and the experience I create through my participation in the mind - as thoughts, feelings and emotions, as difficult and hard and to within this create a resistance to walking my process as self investigation through writing and so instead step back and just wait for everything to come at me instead of taking the initiative and looking for myself, what is here within me, what is going on within me, what is the reason I am allowing myself to feel as if I have no control over my experience and thus apply the tools I have that work effectively in gifting myself back the ability to actually live, to be here in a physical moment as a physical breath and allow myself to simply be - being here with that is in the moment and thus stopping the mind participation which in it's separation from reality I become overwhelmed and give away my power and control to actually walk this life and this process and changing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand absolutely equal and one with/as my mind in realizing it is who I am - a limited version of myself that has abdicated the potential that exists within me through suppressing/denying/ignoring what is here as my mind, trying to 'pretend' it doesn't exist and continue on my process in not really going deep into myself, in really sorting out myself, in clearing the mess within myself that i see comes at me as the accumulation of energy I allow when I do not apply myself daily and so here I commit myself to apply and support myself with the tools I have of writing and self honesty and self forgiveness daily, as to create a consistent flow of support and self grounding, always bringing myself back to earth and the points I see I tend to project outward, back to me here and so taking self responsibility daily with what it is I experience, finding out why, where it was created in my life, through what acceptances, allowances and self definitions and to once and for all direct myself within my process of learning what it actually means to live self directive instead of allowing energy to move me or reactions to move me or the influence of a limited version of me as my mind as who I have designed, accepted and allowed myself to be and become
When and as I see myself reacting to myself as expression a reactions or a movement originating within my mind as energy, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my physical body and back to the realization that this is the process I must walk, out of the mind as what i Have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and take back directive principle as the active role in expressing and being who I am for real and so I see/realize/understand that if I am judging myself or reacting to myself as the mind in moments where I 'lose control' as expressing points from within/as my mind as the characters or personalities I go into to suit my self interest, then I am essentially attempting to pretend it's not me and suppress what it is that I am experience or seeing as me, and so here I commit myself to become self honesty in standing equal to and one with who I am as my Mind, in accepting myself to accept me as my mind, embrace me as my mind in realizing this is the only way I can change me as my mind - because if I am judging or reacting to me as my mind - then I am separating myself from myself as the mind as either blame or denial as abdication of self responsibility and so I commit myself to become self responsible daily within the support of writing to stand equal to me as my mind, to face me as my mind, to embrace me as my mind and to get to know me as my mind in realizing this is the only way I will find practical solutions that i can physically live in realizing that how I live now is through/as my mind and so I must go through a process to correct it - and that starts with sorting out myself and so I commit myself to this journey - cleaning up the mess I've made and no longer sweeping things under the rug
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