So I stopped this and the self forgiveness I applied for the fears I was allowing grounded me and solidified my decision to stop this addiction. It has been three days since this moment/decision, like I said, and I have been walking since this moment with this anticipation and awe within myself of, "wow - am I really doing this? I can't believe I am doing this - how the hell am I doing this?" Because within me there is an absolute certainty that I will remain within my decision to never again allow this addiction within/as me.
There is like a surprise within me because the fear I had to letting go of this point of addiction was so great - yet what I have realized in the last three days is that it was my creation.
I try to look at the difference in terms of how I was able to make the decision and stand within my decision to actually walk this and will myself to say "NO" each time the addiction energy came up within me attempting to drive me into the point again - how is it that this time around I am able to actually be certain within myself that I will not accept and allow this of myself - to go back into the addiction.
One thing I see is that this time around I saw how the addiction was indirectly influencing who I am and thus what kind of consequences it created as the 'who I am' - as what I was accepting and allowing within myself is a point I accept and allow in others and existence as a whole. So my responsibility here is obviously within myself, yet within the awareness that who I am in each moment as my Acceptances and Allowances - I accept and allow equally externally. As within so without. As above so below. So this time I saw how the inner was affecting the outer and from here I was able to make a decision.
This is also proof of a 4 year process I have been walking. The fact that I am able to forgive myself for fear and addiction and actually GIFT myself with the will and know myself well enough to say I WILL not give into the addiction - till here no further - is proof of the Desteni Message and Tools. Breathing has been one of the greatest supports in the past three days because as I complete certain tasks throughout the day - the program I have created through my participation in my addiction will go off as if to say, "Ok - time for your reward - go into your addiction" and I experience it physically like this high-pitched pleasure-teasing energy that jumps up and grips me in the moment and I see I ALWAYS have a choice in that moment - and I have chosen each time to say NO - BREATHE and this too shall pass.
So breathing has assisted greatly in getting me through those moments where I think I will eternally be stuck in the program that says "now - addiction now - go into it here" - instead I remind myself that I am walking a PROCESS and this process is a re-programming myself and like the time it took to script myself to go into certain patterns and habits at certain moments or after certain things - instead I breathe through this and re-script myself by NOT going into my addiction and say to myself, I do not require this - I no longer accept this of myself - this will pass - and I breathe.
So the process I have been walking the last 4 years have given me the ability to reason with myself in common sense - to not just give into thoughts and feelings and emotions that tend to take one over in a moment where we become automated robots with no sense of responsibility for ourselves - we just go into the easiest point because it's our program - it's how we have 'always' existed - as what we have accepted ourselves to exist as and so to change this is a CHALLENGE - yet it is the GREATEST challenge one can face as I can say for myself - the last 3 days have been a TESTimony to myself - in testing myself in terms of asking "Who am I?" Am I directive principle of myself HERE, or am I just a willing slave to my pre-program life design that determines how I relate to things and how I function in this world. The last three days I have proven to myself that I DO have the will to walk my process, to be able to trust myself, to breathe through moments that seem I will never get through - that the tools I have been applying of writing, breathing, self honesty and especially self forgiveness with self corrective application WORK in changing my nature.
The addiction I have been letting go of and am absolutely, in all ways committed to continue giving up and stopping, was something I NEVER thought I could let go of. And yet the last three days I have proven to myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings and I am not my emotions that act as the script I must follow - instead I decide who I am and I have offered this ability to myself. So it's been quite cool.
Do not get my wrong - the last three days have been quite difficult in terms of facing and stopping my addiction each time the point come up - yet without the tools of Desteni and the starting point of my decision within common sense as what is best for all - I would have never been able to do it. Proof that I am changing myself and human nature can be changed and it is as easy or as difficult as we make it.
The point from the beginning of this blog - WE are the CREATORS of what we ACCEPT and ALLOW within and without - thus why would one choose anything other than LIFE with the tools that make it easier to effectively do so? Why do we make our lives more difficult by choosing to fall time and time again to the self inflicted beliefs that 'we cannot' and 'we will never make it' and "it's too much, i'm not good enough, it's greater than me"... we have created who we are and we solidify that statement in each moment - so WHO are we choosing to be?
Investigate Desteni and the Destonians who are Proving Human Nature can be changed and there is no actual reason that can justify otherwise - that just prove we choose to live in abuse. Dare to Chose Life as what is Best for All - become Responsible for the Reflection you are as what you see in this World as your Mirror. Face yourself. Face your Fears. Face your Addiction and Make the Decision to ONCE and for ALL - Change.
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