16 June 2013

200: Reasoning with Myself for a Dishonest Starting Point

Continuing on with the Self Forgiveness process from the writing of Day 197: The Starting Point as Moment of Creation. 

Here I am looking at a statement that, as(at) quick glance, seems 'innocent' - yet when I look further in my writing, I see this specific statement, "But as I was doing my work this evening, I saw that I was doing a lot of reading, and it was getting late and while considering the different points I could write about - ultimately I decided I would not write a blog." The reason this statement stands out is because later in the this blog, I go on to reveal my 'real' starting point - so this statement here above is the justifications and excuses I was giving myself in attempt to 'make okay' and validate the 'real' starting point.

So this is cool to see because that is what the Mind tends to do - give us points to consider that seem practical, yet what is lying behind this justifications, that make it sound 'so right' in our minds, is the truth of ourselves, as 'where we are coming from.' So it's key to not trust the thoughts in our mind and to investigate or look deeper within ourselves to see what we are attempting to hide from ourselves through/as our justifications. Because as I said, this statement looks like I was being self honest in my consideration, yet I was not. I was just giving myself excuses as to why I was allowing the starting point of self judgment to be the reason for not writing a blog, but I made up these thoughts as a means to make right what I was accepting and allowing. So tricky and deceiving actually - because we are in essence lying to ourselves, because what LIES behind these considerations is the truth, and if self dare to see, it is clearly here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use 'I have been reading a lot tonight' as a reason, excuse and justification for not writing a blog, instead of realizing this is just a smoke screen I was using to cover my eyes from seeing the truth of myself in what I was accepting and allowing as the actual starting point for NOT writing a blog - which was in the nature of self judgments and inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use "It is getting late" as a reason, excuse and justification for not writing a blog, in attempting to fool myself with making myself believe I was being practical in my considerations instead of realizing that that is not a valid reason to not make a blog - I was going to stay up and do other things anyway and so the fact that I 'tried' to make myself believe that I decided to not write a blog based within the idea that "it's getting late" is just bullshit and was attempting to hide/not face the reality of the starting point from which I was moving/deciding to not write a blog

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself in thinking that when I am giving myself excuses as to why I cannot write a blog, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the starting point must be clear and within self honesty and the reasons i have given to myself of, "I have been doing a lot of reading tonight" and "it's getting late" are not valid from the perspective that what does it matter how much I have read - how does that determine whether I am able to write a blog? Or that it's getting late, that is an excuse I have used time and time again to justify myself falling in not walking the commitment I made in walking a blog daily for 7 years, as the Journey to Life, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and question myself when I see myself justifying why I will not write a blog, and ask myself if they are valid in terms of actual physical reality considerations, or if I am just attempting to validate and hide the real starting point as not taking self responsibility for myself and thus become self honest with myself in these moments to ensure that I am not allowing myself to not live up to my full potential as giving myself excuses and justifications for the limitations I place on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question every single thought or idea that pops into my head instead of questioning everything/all of it as I have seen/realized/understand how manipulative I am within my mind in keeping myself trapped within a limited expression of myself, where I allow myself to believe I am not capable of moving beyond what i Have accepted as my nature and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust one single thought or idea that pops into my head that tells me "I don't have to write a blog" and instead investigate and look behind these thoughts or ideas to see what is LYING behind the justification and get to know if it is actually valid or not, as I have tricked myself one too many times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of myself through thoughts of justification and excuses and reasons I use to justify why I am not writing a blog and instead stop and look within myself, within that moment and see if I am hiding something, because in my experience I usually am and so instead of allowing the 'just fucking up' as justification - I face the truth of myself as the real reason I do not want to write a blog and no longer trust the smoke screen I play in order to 'make right' my decision for not writing a blog, or for writing a blog even and ensure I am always pushing for self honesty in every moment as to not fuck with myself in self trust, because if I continue to exist in a starting point of separation or self judgment or abuse or limitation, then I prove to myself that I cannot trust myself and if I continue to accept the thoughts that come up telling me why I can or cannot write a blog I am also not trusting myself as I prove that when I am influenced by these thoughts or ideas, then I tell myself I am not willing to direct myself, to see more of myself, to see deep within myself of/as what is actually here as the starting point of who I am

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts or back chats of "It's getting late and I have read too much tonight/done too much work tonight" or any other statements I give myself as the nature of 'reasoning' why I cannot write a blog, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, within self honesty and take a moment to look at what I am actually saying to myself and question whether it is real or not or if I am just fucking with myself as lying to myself in hiding the 'real reason' I do not want to write a blog as the starting point from which the decision was made, as I see/realize/understand that by the time I am feeding myself with excuses and justifications as to why I cannot do something, such as write a blog, I know I am already past the stage of deciding that I will not write a blog, I have already created who I am as the starting point and have moved from this starting point and now am at the stage of 'making right' the dishonesty I am actually accepting and allowing as a starting point of separation and so I commit myself to slow myself down in these moments to check within myself the 'real' reason I am attempting to hide, as to why I decided to not write a blog - see what is lying behind the lies as excuses and justifications I am giving to myself as to not write a blog and in that moment become self honest, trust myself to see myself for real and to take responsibility for the creation of myself as accepting and allowing a starting point of/as self judgment, inferiority, separation and abuse and instead commit myself to 'clear myself' from/as the starting point with either writing, self forgiveness or breathing to bring myself back to actual physical reality and no longer allow myself to exist in thoughts that I make myself believe are considering practically what is best for me - instead I find out for myself, through/as physical reality and the process I walk of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements - no longer allowing myself to manipulate myself but instead walk the process of developing self trust through trusting myself to become self honest with myself in seeing and getting to know what lies behind the picture or ideas or thoughts I show myself within my mind - getting to the truth of me



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