I was just going through some pictures C… and at the end of the roll – there were many pictures of her dog. I fell guilty after seeing them, as I have defined his life as something that could be better. I think he doesn’t get enough attention and doesn’t get out enough and feels alone. I fear I have created an unhappy dog as I put him in the care of someone that abuses animals.. and now he is aggressive towards people. The guilt also that I could do more for him – but I don’t, as I feel busy all the time and that I have barely any time to take care of myself. I feel like C has given up on him.. and she doesn’t give him any attention. He just sits in his house. There are moments I wished that I did not have cats, as he is quick to attack them – and so I would then take him and care for him. Yet I know it’s quite a responsibility – and there is anger towards C for taking him in/on and not living up to it. Not giving him a quality life.
I realize this are all projections of myself.. and I realize there is a solution within this. Yet – Am I to move from the starting point of ‘desiring to do something good for him’ because I define his life as inadequate… what would be the consequences of this? To proceed in living a solution to this – would be to forgive myself for the feelings and emotions and thoughts I have about it – and then self move myself to do something every day to get him out – instead of back chatting in my head about how he doesn’t get out enough. I realize that If I want something done – I should do it myself. This will assist C as well – in taking on some of the responsibility, as she is also busy with raising a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the negative experience as guilt after looking at C's pictures and seeing all her photos of the dog
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of guilt within seeing photos of the dog while existing within the memory I have accepted and allowed to store within my flesh, wherein I access it in moments to create energy within myself as guilt
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the dog's life as something that could be better
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the dog as not getting enough attention
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project myself onto the dog in believing he feels alone – instead of always directing back these thoughts to myself and ask myself in self honesty, where within my life do I feel alone?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having created an unpleasant life for the dog because of a past decision I made within fear to put him the care of an animal abuser
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide within fear that one known to abuse animals should care for neko – and not consider putting myself in his shoes in placing him in that environment and instead exist within my own self interest as fear of protecting myself from him – in fear he would hurt me
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project my guilt and lack of self responsibility when making the decision to place the dog in the hands of an abuser, onto C – where I blame her for not giving him a better environment and quality of life, and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not giving the dog a better environment, instead of finding solutions to live this within my world/reality that is best for him
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of allowing fear to direct me within the decision to allow the dog to go to the care of an animal abuser and still exist within this memory today in seeing him through this memory as ‘not having a good life’ – instead of releasing myself of the guilt I have placed onto myself and allow myself to forgive myself for what I Have accepted and allowed and allow myself to face the consequences I have created in allowing myself to exist within the separation of myself through making decisions within fear and self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility for the creation I created in a dog being aggressive towards others because of the environment in which he lived – where he was ignored and abused and now within his own fear believes he has to protect him from humans and thus cannot be trusted around others – and within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility to this creation through blaming C for how she allows him to exist currently – where I define his existence as not ‘the best quality’ and that he could ‘live a better life’ as a way to not face the manifested consequences of my decisions.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the dog when he was staying with me based on my fear and definitions of pit-bulls being ‘aggressive’ and thus allow myself to exist within this fear and decide within this fear to send him to another – who was an animal abuser and did not give him the best care possible and thus now, based on this memory, project my giving up on the dog onto C through defining her as giving up on the dog – instead of taking self responsibility for my participation and creation of the dog and his behavior
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge C for leaving the dog alone all day and blame her for not caring enough for the dog – instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that this is ME I see – wherein it is not ‘her’ – it is me and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I was in the past as allowing the dog to be left in the care of people that did not truly care for animals and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to the dog the best quality of life I could have when I had the opportunity to and instead allow fear of him to control and direct me to send him away
Will continue with this point in Self Forgiveness and Self Correction/Commitment Statements in tomorrow’s blog